I have had a lot of loss in the past several years. Some told me the same thing, some different. Edward said he would get every treatment possible to have one more day with his kids. Clara told me she wanted to go home, more badly than anything else. Nancy told me she was done with treatments but that her family was not ready, so she would do more for them. More sickness, more pain, more painful treatment, for them. We would do anything we could for our family. We have all heard stories that the patient was/is ready to go, but the loved ones were not. That the patient was hanging on for them. For the sister/brother/spouse etc. to arrive and say good-bye.
I am not ready to say good-bye to my family, my girls, my grand kids, my mom. I am not ready. The older I get, the older she gets the more friends my age or within the decade I lose, I realize that my time to lose her is coming. And I am not ready. My mom and I have not had the time that I wanted. My fault. I get that there were other factors, but it is my fault I did not spend more time with my mom. That I worried about stupid things and missed the time I could have had cooking, sewing, shopping, or some things I liked. To hear all the stories about family events in her life. I did not start to concern myself with those things early enough. Was not open and honest enough early enough. I am not ready to lose her. I get that I still have her. I have been asking questions about family. I have been trying to change and get some of the things I missed out on, but age gets in the way with some. My mom runs circles around me on many levels, I still want what I missed.
I was grateful to meet Larry, my biological father. I never thought I would, I also did not think I would like him much. He is not my daddy, he never will be. However, he is my dad. I love him. I am so very grateful for the extra time and medical miracles that have kept him hanging on this long. I have held his hand during a heart attack, him turning gray and gasping for air, lips blue, clutching his chest with one hand, saying good-bye. And he is still here. We laugh when he can and say that he is too stubborn to die. No one wants him yet. But I think a lot of it has been a gift for me. I have had times when I have been so frustrated with his neanderthal thinking about what I could or could not do if I moved there that I have not wanted to talk to him. The pressure/chore/duty it was to call at a certain time made me angry. I have worked thru emotions with him quickly because I did not have my whole life to do it. I have repeated that I would not have liked him had he raised me when I was a teenager trying to figure out why I was so self destructive, we would have clashed big time!
He has been in the hospital for a few days. Had a surgery Friday. And honestly, thru the last month we have said good-bye and he has reminded me of things that I will need to do. The last visit which was under 48 hours, was just another comfortable good-bye and list of things that have been done, and will need done. That too had me frustrated at one time. I hated saying a final good-bye every time I talked to him. It hurt. I was not wanting our whole conversation/relationship to be a good-bye. I too, stepped back from that situation to look at it thru his eyes and stopped being frustrated. He needed to do that.
Tomorrow I told him I would call. He has yet another surgery on Monday. The doctors keep telling him there is zero they can do for him. That no surgery will help. He has saturation rates of 97-100, he does not need oxygen. He cannot breathe because his heart does not work. The oxygen helps him thru the episode, but that is it. So he keeps calling them over and over and over. He keeps going to the ER, because he is in pain. Because he cannot live like this. I hate that. I hate that death for some cannot be quick, painless, while you are sleeping. I hate that he looks at those 4 walls, not even turning on the TV for sound. He looks out at the yard and cries. He can no longer water his trees, the flowers have been gone for years. He says they need to get used to it because no one will water them when he is gone. He says he is ready. He says he is done. But when he is hurting, fighting for air, the instinct to breathe, to take nitro or have oxygen kicks in. Unfortunately he is not living a pain free life, not dying a pain free death. His doctors will keep doing what they need to keep doing to keep him happy/from calling, because he calls all the time. Until he is ready to let go, until he is ready to die, they will honor his wish to keep him alive until he is so bad his DNR kicks in. I have said, while holding his hand, I love you, I am so thankful I met you and spent time getting to know you, but go see Margaret. Go give your honey a hug. Go dance and laugh and breathe again. I need to tell him all of this again tomorrow. His greatest gift at this point would be to die on the operating table while in a medically induced sleep. I have to let him know that it is ok again. I have to let him know that I am ok with him going, to be happy again. I asked if he wanted me down there and he said no, we have said good-bye before, there is nothing for you to do. So I have to tell him. I have to call him on the phone and let him know, so he can be on morphine and at least as pain free as possible. Because despite the doctors performing 2 procedures in a few days time, this will not last. It may be for 1 day or 1 week, or 1 month, but it will not last. The pain and frustration will return the minute he is home. He will still not be able to water his trees. Those days are gone. I will tell him to go get Margaret and see their mansion in heaven with the beautiful flowers and trees.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Nightmare extraordinaire...Do not read if you get ideas and get your own from it!
June 6th, 2017
Bad dreams are a part of our lives. I have gone thru periods of having so many I do not want to sleep, and I know others close to me that have as well. Nightmares, night terrors, insomnia and just plain not wanting to go to sleep are part of our lives, and an ugly part I wish never happened to anyone.
Do not read about the dream, if it will set you up for one of your own nightmares!! Stop now!!
Dreaming about bugs would be bad after the tree roach incident, but expected. So no big deal on that part, but how my mind made up the rest of it I have no idea.
I was in an apt. more like a hotel room, but was supposed to be my new apt. And of course he was there, he is always present like the gift that keeps on giving, the song that never ends etc etc etc.
I had money stashed to get away, counting it. Small things like that in my dream. Then one morning I wake up and there are ants around the window, I figure the screen had a hole and they were coming in, but then the whole wall was covered in a half a minute, and they were a hybrid type of ant, fluffy wings and huge. Scary, but I just go to the bathroom, but there are ants all over the floor. There was some other bug thing but I do not remember if that was before the ants appeared, or cannot remember what it was. So since the ants have taken over I tell him I am going to the manager to complain, and when I step out of the door I am in the halls of a huge high school. The halls were long and went every which way imaginable. I can see outside, but cannot seem to reach it. I wander the halls. I see old friends I went to school with, and they are in high school, so this is weird. I see Jody and we hug and catch up a minute. Then all hell breaks loose. They are announcing that a group of terrorists have attacked Long Beach CA. and they are headed our way. They are focusing on schools and we need to get out. So Jody and I set out but neither of us know this school so we are running into classrooms and locker rooms and getting no where. There is an elevator to the garage but we do not dare take it so we look for stairs. The girl to our left found them but we could not. So we run some more. Then I am alone. There are some friends of mine in a car lined up with a lot of cars trying to get out, but they have a full car and cannot take me, I say I will jump on a lap and no that is not ok. So I look for other ways out. Now the terrorists are in the school halls and everyone is screaming. They have a canister that is spraying a chemical in the air and it is making peoples skin fall off and they die. They are spraying it out on the trees and saying that by morning the whole town will be smelling it. My mom was watching and trying to talk to me but no idea how. I check my phone but they have cut off all communications, so I can see that Donovan is calling repeatedly but no way to talk, I was happy about that in the dream, despite the circumstances. I am trying to hide. There seems to be a lady in charge, most everyone is down now. I have skin peeling off of my cheeks, I am using paper towels to keep them on, and Jody gives me a hug. Do not know where she comes from or where she goes but I just told her I really felt like I would live thru this, guess I was wrong. Then I am alone and I am in the hallway behind the main lady. She is searching room by room for people to spray, everything is quiet as most are on the floor now. She comes out of a locker room so I go in when she goes to next room, my thinking is that she has searched it so it will be safe. She must have heard me because she was there. She sprayed me and was saying something in a language I did not understand, and she kept spraying. I was mad because one spray would have been sufficient. then I hide behind a partition and someone else is there. I feel bad because they have avoided her so far and I was who she was seeking so I effectively outed this persons hiding place. I take off and end up in a bedroom with a crib. I crawl under and try to hide. She comes in a sprays again, then a couple of her minions come in. They ask why I am not dead and she does not know but I am lethargic at this point and she said they could come back to check in a bit. I find nail polish and try to write a note to my girls about how much I love them, my mom, and that I am so glad they are in small places that the terrorist will not attack. She comes back, says that was not good and destroys the note, leaves. I find a paint brush and try again in a more obscure spot. (handy to have a red paint filled paint brush under the crib!) She comes back and now is impatient that I am not dead and pulls out a gun. Her and her cronies think that I am not dying quickly enough, but someone says they need to take samples from me to see why not so they can alter for others like me, she cannot shoot me, but this does not please her so she shoots me in the knee. I expect to feel pain, but I do not so she shoots me again and the bullet bounces off my knee, and again. Now they are fascinated by this and call is something that I cannot remember. Her knee is _____ so we will leave it for now. They leave, the lady takes blood and checks out all of the others in the room. They come back again and I close my eyes and try to appear dead, they do not say anything but leave. Then Amanda comes in to the room, she is little, big enough to know what is happening but small enough to still talk a mile a minute. I have her lay down and play dead, but outside of the crib so they will not know I am trying to protect her. I hold her hand. She talks but I hear them coming so I tell her to play dead. She keeps talking, I cannot get her to stop, so I crawl out, make a big dying scene like an exaggerated movie death and basically fall on top of her to keep her quiet and hopefully safe. She keeps talking and they move me, and say they need to take care of her. Then I talk them into leaving her and taking me to be experimented on because I am not dying. Now there are a bunch of alive people with falling skin being led out to big trucks for who knows what. They line me up and off we go. I tell them that I need to use the restroom, and they say that is the chemical, but ok. So I am escorted, three or four of them, and I wake up.
I moved to the chair and tried to force myself to stay awake, because when I close my eyes I am back with the bugs, and the chemical lady, lots of bodies. I wake up 3 times before I can come out of it.
I really dislike knowing I am in one, knowing that I need to come out of it, but it weighs so heavy on my mind that I go right back where I do not want to go.
I wish no one ever had to have a nightmare again...ever. This one was bizarre to say the least.
Bad dreams are a part of our lives. I have gone thru periods of having so many I do not want to sleep, and I know others close to me that have as well. Nightmares, night terrors, insomnia and just plain not wanting to go to sleep are part of our lives, and an ugly part I wish never happened to anyone.
Do not read about the dream, if it will set you up for one of your own nightmares!! Stop now!!
Dreaming about bugs would be bad after the tree roach incident, but expected. So no big deal on that part, but how my mind made up the rest of it I have no idea.
I was in an apt. more like a hotel room, but was supposed to be my new apt. And of course he was there, he is always present like the gift that keeps on giving, the song that never ends etc etc etc.
I had money stashed to get away, counting it. Small things like that in my dream. Then one morning I wake up and there are ants around the window, I figure the screen had a hole and they were coming in, but then the whole wall was covered in a half a minute, and they were a hybrid type of ant, fluffy wings and huge. Scary, but I just go to the bathroom, but there are ants all over the floor. There was some other bug thing but I do not remember if that was before the ants appeared, or cannot remember what it was. So since the ants have taken over I tell him I am going to the manager to complain, and when I step out of the door I am in the halls of a huge high school. The halls were long and went every which way imaginable. I can see outside, but cannot seem to reach it. I wander the halls. I see old friends I went to school with, and they are in high school, so this is weird. I see Jody and we hug and catch up a minute. Then all hell breaks loose. They are announcing that a group of terrorists have attacked Long Beach CA. and they are headed our way. They are focusing on schools and we need to get out. So Jody and I set out but neither of us know this school so we are running into classrooms and locker rooms and getting no where. There is an elevator to the garage but we do not dare take it so we look for stairs. The girl to our left found them but we could not. So we run some more. Then I am alone. There are some friends of mine in a car lined up with a lot of cars trying to get out, but they have a full car and cannot take me, I say I will jump on a lap and no that is not ok. So I look for other ways out. Now the terrorists are in the school halls and everyone is screaming. They have a canister that is spraying a chemical in the air and it is making peoples skin fall off and they die. They are spraying it out on the trees and saying that by morning the whole town will be smelling it. My mom was watching and trying to talk to me but no idea how. I check my phone but they have cut off all communications, so I can see that Donovan is calling repeatedly but no way to talk, I was happy about that in the dream, despite the circumstances. I am trying to hide. There seems to be a lady in charge, most everyone is down now. I have skin peeling off of my cheeks, I am using paper towels to keep them on, and Jody gives me a hug. Do not know where she comes from or where she goes but I just told her I really felt like I would live thru this, guess I was wrong. Then I am alone and I am in the hallway behind the main lady. She is searching room by room for people to spray, everything is quiet as most are on the floor now. She comes out of a locker room so I go in when she goes to next room, my thinking is that she has searched it so it will be safe. She must have heard me because she was there. She sprayed me and was saying something in a language I did not understand, and she kept spraying. I was mad because one spray would have been sufficient. then I hide behind a partition and someone else is there. I feel bad because they have avoided her so far and I was who she was seeking so I effectively outed this persons hiding place. I take off and end up in a bedroom with a crib. I crawl under and try to hide. She comes in a sprays again, then a couple of her minions come in. They ask why I am not dead and she does not know but I am lethargic at this point and she said they could come back to check in a bit. I find nail polish and try to write a note to my girls about how much I love them, my mom, and that I am so glad they are in small places that the terrorist will not attack. She comes back, says that was not good and destroys the note, leaves. I find a paint brush and try again in a more obscure spot. (handy to have a red paint filled paint brush under the crib!) She comes back and now is impatient that I am not dead and pulls out a gun. Her and her cronies think that I am not dying quickly enough, but someone says they need to take samples from me to see why not so they can alter for others like me, she cannot shoot me, but this does not please her so she shoots me in the knee. I expect to feel pain, but I do not so she shoots me again and the bullet bounces off my knee, and again. Now they are fascinated by this and call is something that I cannot remember. Her knee is _____ so we will leave it for now. They leave, the lady takes blood and checks out all of the others in the room. They come back again and I close my eyes and try to appear dead, they do not say anything but leave. Then Amanda comes in to the room, she is little, big enough to know what is happening but small enough to still talk a mile a minute. I have her lay down and play dead, but outside of the crib so they will not know I am trying to protect her. I hold her hand. She talks but I hear them coming so I tell her to play dead. She keeps talking, I cannot get her to stop, so I crawl out, make a big dying scene like an exaggerated movie death and basically fall on top of her to keep her quiet and hopefully safe. She keeps talking and they move me, and say they need to take care of her. Then I talk them into leaving her and taking me to be experimented on because I am not dying. Now there are a bunch of alive people with falling skin being led out to big trucks for who knows what. They line me up and off we go. I tell them that I need to use the restroom, and they say that is the chemical, but ok. So I am escorted, three or four of them, and I wake up.
I moved to the chair and tried to force myself to stay awake, because when I close my eyes I am back with the bugs, and the chemical lady, lots of bodies. I wake up 3 times before I can come out of it.
I really dislike knowing I am in one, knowing that I need to come out of it, but it weighs so heavy on my mind that I go right back where I do not want to go.
I wish no one ever had to have a nightmare again...ever. This one was bizarre to say the least.
Tree Roaches Part 2
June 6, 2017
Almost 2 years later and I was attacked last night! OK that may be a bit of a stretch...
We had gone bowling and out to eat for my bday (post finals) and I came upstairs to relax. I was sitting in the dark reading on my iPad mini. Completely relaxed. I hear a rustling sound. I think it might have started raining and it was hitting my window or something, no big deal. I hear it a couple more times so I wonder. Pull out the flashlight app on my phone and look and see nothing. Hear it again, point, see nothing. Hear it again, move stand next to chair, point flashlight, see nothing. Once again, and see a HUGE tree roach. I have my feet up so I feel safe with him crawling on the floor (NOT!!!) and text Mike, if he is awake could he please come save me as I am about to be eaten alive from a tree roach and I cannot put my feet down on the floor on which he resides. No answer. Text again, please be awake because the tree roach certainly is. No answer. Well that is ok, I have reached behind me to turn on the floor lamp and have a good view of this sucker walking around like he owns the place, which in fairness, he now does! He goes under the dresser. Not good because he could use the wood to climb up in my drawers, and because I cannot see him so now I definitely cannot move, as the dresser is between myself and the door. He struts back out and back by the wall behind me. I run out of the room, he can have it. I cannot sleep in the guest room 2 doors down as that is too close, however I can reside downstairs on the couch until, oh...hell freezes over maybe??
No lights on. Ugh, Mike has chosen the one day of the year when he goes to bed before 1 poorly! OK, I do not want to surrender my whole room to this monster, so back in I go. I grab my old friend the vacuum, and a tennis shoe. He is still strutting around the corner so I calmly (yeah right!!) approach him and whack him. He looked at me and laughed by the way! So I whack him again, still laughing. So one more whack for good times, and out comes the weapon of choice, the vacuum! I have the hose so I can guarantee he will go in there, and there he goes. I run the vacuum for a while, hoping I am not waking everyone up with my summer cleaning!! And then promptly remove the vacuum from my room. I have conquered yet another Texas dragon aka tree roach. Go me!!! PS, I must start planning my escape before the next 2 year mark!!
July 12, 2015
So Nghi and I were watching Sweet Home Alabama, enjoying a nice break with a cute movie...Nghi says, oh a cockroach. Well Mike is gone so I must be the one in charge of chasing those right?? So I get up and put on my slippers, meander a few steps and see it...scream, which of course makes Nghi scream.
Almost 2 years later and I was attacked last night! OK that may be a bit of a stretch...
We had gone bowling and out to eat for my bday (post finals) and I came upstairs to relax. I was sitting in the dark reading on my iPad mini. Completely relaxed. I hear a rustling sound. I think it might have started raining and it was hitting my window or something, no big deal. I hear it a couple more times so I wonder. Pull out the flashlight app on my phone and look and see nothing. Hear it again, point, see nothing. Hear it again, move stand next to chair, point flashlight, see nothing. Once again, and see a HUGE tree roach. I have my feet up so I feel safe with him crawling on the floor (NOT!!!) and text Mike, if he is awake could he please come save me as I am about to be eaten alive from a tree roach and I cannot put my feet down on the floor on which he resides. No answer. Text again, please be awake because the tree roach certainly is. No answer. Well that is ok, I have reached behind me to turn on the floor lamp and have a good view of this sucker walking around like he owns the place, which in fairness, he now does! He goes under the dresser. Not good because he could use the wood to climb up in my drawers, and because I cannot see him so now I definitely cannot move, as the dresser is between myself and the door. He struts back out and back by the wall behind me. I run out of the room, he can have it. I cannot sleep in the guest room 2 doors down as that is too close, however I can reside downstairs on the couch until, oh...hell freezes over maybe??
No lights on. Ugh, Mike has chosen the one day of the year when he goes to bed before 1 poorly! OK, I do not want to surrender my whole room to this monster, so back in I go. I grab my old friend the vacuum, and a tennis shoe. He is still strutting around the corner so I calmly (yeah right!!) approach him and whack him. He looked at me and laughed by the way! So I whack him again, still laughing. So one more whack for good times, and out comes the weapon of choice, the vacuum! I have the hose so I can guarantee he will go in there, and there he goes. I run the vacuum for a while, hoping I am not waking everyone up with my summer cleaning!! And then promptly remove the vacuum from my room. I have conquered yet another Texas dragon aka tree roach. Go me!!! PS, I must start planning my escape before the next 2 year mark!!
July 12, 2015
So Nghi and I were watching Sweet Home Alabama, enjoying a nice break with a cute movie...Nghi says, oh a cockroach. Well Mike is gone so I must be the one in charge of chasing those right?? So I get up and put on my slippers, meander a few steps and see it...scream, which of course makes Nghi scream.
I ask what am I going to do? she says here, I look at her extended hand which has in it a piece of plastic the size of a half dollar - as she is standing on the couch out of the roaches path mind you!
I ask what in tarnation she expects me to do with the 1/4 inch wide piece of plastic against the 1-1/4 inch long thing barreling at us??? (NOT A MATCH FOR THE DINOSAUR SIZE COCKROACH COMING AT US!!)
I scream what the bloody hell does she want me to do with that???? take it out, she says?? Right, picking it up, carrying it calmly across 3 rooms to let it live peacefully outside, that was my first thought!
I grab one of the plastic containers we are sorting things into - 12 gallon or so?? and I slam it down on top of it, now Nghi is asking why I hit it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Self preservation comes to mind!
so I pick it up and slam it down 5-6 more times, just to be sure. She is wondering if I have gone mad by now. So I get a paper towel, that will work to throw away this thing right?? I lift it up, no, too big. So I get the vacuum, that will work. So I get it ready and lift up the container and that son of a biscuit is running again. Oh my heck I sucked him up in the vacuum and left it running. We can leave it running for 11 days until Mike returns, right???
Nghi took her leave and went upstairs by the way, leaving me alone on the first floor to wonder if he can get out of the vacuum. I did turn it off but I will confess that I have turned it back on a dozen or so times just to ensure he stays at the bottom if he has managed to crawl up a bit.
Everything is bigger in Texas, except my courage against bugs!!
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