Friday, August 12, 2022

1191 N 210 W American Fork Utah84003

 My heart is so broken today. My things are bring moved out of the house I have lived in longer than I have ever lived anywhere in my 58 years and I am not there. 

I returned to Utah unscheduled and went over there 2 days in a row this week to make sure that everything was done in my rooms. Of course, this is after I was supposed to have been here the last 2 months. Well, I guess not. So Michael Jones picked me up the end of April to go on a TransAtlantic cruise on May 8th 2022. Then I was to return to Utah for a bit, and then head to Oregon. So I guess I might not have been here anyway. But the fact that I stayed in Texas to help Michael move, and keep him company until he was ready to head west and then to be here but yet not be here was killing me all day. How I ended up here without him, unscheduled, is yet another story ...

But on Wednesday, Ash took me home so I could make sure things were secure. Kimberly, Shad and Desi had just returned from a vacation at Bear Lake and were exhausted, Kimberly said there would be no welcome home party lol I absolutely understood. Desi surprisingly, and amazingly came down to visit while we were there, which I loved. My bed had stuff on it, my sheets and blankets were packed, and with them so tired and not able to visit I felt like it was just easier to go back to Ashleys. Then I went alone on Thursday, planning to look for a couple of items that I thought I needed and to visit with the kids. Unfortunately, Kimberly was still not feeling well and tired. Shad and I got to visit, and he let Desi know I was there. She went in and walked on the treadmill so I headed downstairs. I was there for a couple of hours and found all but one paper I was looking for. So I went upstairs to see if they were up and about yet. It was still just Shad so he asked Desi if she would come down, so we could visit and do gifts, but she was in the bath and Kimberly was still in her room, not feeling well/tired. So I was very sad. I missed them more being there, in the house, than I did while I was in Texas. I had been asking what the schedule was, and Shad was going back and forth upstairs to find out. 

However, we (Kimberly and I) have run into several issues when I hear things from Shad and not from her. I feel like there are times when she does not talk to me and he does, so I go with what I can. But I should have learned my lesson by now, even a slow learner should have grasped it at this point!! But we talked about how the movers were coming today to move all of my things, and a few of the unwanted items of theirs and I asked when should I come, etc. and he felt I would be more in the way than helpful. I told him to be sure and let Kimberly know he told me that! So I was very sad, feeling very overwhelmingly unwelcomed and unneeded and headed to Ashley's. With work and school she is gone so very much, but it was better to be in an empty house and lonely than a full one and feel lonely. Then today, she was at work from 8 am to 6:30 pm so I sat here so sad, thinking of all of the memories in that house, the fact that I would never again sleep there, and on it went. 

Like I said, Desi came down on Wednesday night when I was there, to say hello. Was so very good to see her. What an amazing young woman she is! She will be 15 next month and has already become such an independent, strong minded and able person like her mother. I have lived with Destiny most of her life. It is truly breaking my heart to know that I will never again randomly hear her bust out in song while bathing, cooking etc. Never hear her walk on the treadmill, or hear her steps coming up or down the stairs to visit. To share a new song, to read me a chapter of her book, to tell me about what was goig on in life. Oh my gosh, so very many things that I will miss about my time in that house, with Kimberly, Kimberly's family, with Shad, and with my amazing pumpkin. 


Fast forward a few hours, to Kimberly sending a pic of the storage unit, increasing my sadness, wishing I were there getting hugs, laughs, and memories with them when I get a text from Kimberly saying that she was sad and disappointed that I had not been there on moving day. That even while in Texas I said I would be there, and I was not......

I know what it feels like to lose a child, a feeling I will NEVER get over. However, the feeling you get knowing you disappointed your child, weighs as much as a ton of bricks sitting on your heart. That I disappointed her yet again, that she could not count on me yet again to be there for her, while she was hurting. I can never make those moments come back. I can never make those moments up to her. They are gone forever, and I have ruined more than her fair share of moments. 

I need to find out what day they are moving out and move heaven and earth to be here for it. No matter what I am doing, where I am at. I will not be stupid enough to tell her I will be here, only to risk disappointing her again. But I will do what I can for sure. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Understanding Dad

 So a bit of a preamble. Towards the end of dad Larry's life, he used to look out at his trees/yard and get sad. He would say that he could no longer water his trees, take care of his yard, take out his own trash. He would get sad, but also mad. When he saw technology,  or companies would say they were going paperless he would be angry, not everyone understands etc. I felt his frustration from both sides.

However, when dad Dave gets upset, or sends back my gifts, I have baggage with him so I take it personally. I have recently been trying hard to take the personal out of it and see it from his point of view, using Dad Larry and his experiences as a guide. And I have more compassion now, no anger, and no hurt over that situation. 

Last time I was at mom and dads, dad kept hopping up out of his chair and going into the craft room. After a few trips mom asked if we got to know what he was doing. He was angry and said some snarky remark about how he was just that important. So mom and I buried our heads in our books/games and went about our business. So a few trips later mom asked again. Now my dad is rude, unkind, etc. at times, but he doesn't yell and scream. But dad got loud and said if you must know, I need to print this off but I am too stupid to do it and walked out. Mom just said that dad gets so frustrated when he cannot do things. I have thought a lot about that, and since dad has been doing those types of things for so long I take for granted that he knows how and it comes easily. Same thing I told myself about the electronic frame I sent. He has been setting stuff like this up for years, just add email and password etc. that I took for granted that he can still easily do it. But the fact is, even things he has been doing, are now not something he can do easily. As we get older, even things we have done a hundred times make us pause to think sometimes. So I have let go of the anger that he sent the gift back, the hurt that the gift was not good enough or up to his standards, and I have replaced it with understanding and compassion for his frustration it must have made him feel. I have added compassion that I must have rubbed salt in the wound by saying I had researched it and it was supposed to be easy to setup. I know that I get frustrated when I cannot do the seemingly simple things in my life even after looking up how, watching a you tube on it, things the kids do for me, and I will try to remember that in gifts I give from now on. 

I also look back and think the times that he is the biggest jerk is when something evokes a lot of personal emotion for him. He may not handle it correctly, but I will try to look at it from his perspective from now on and understand that he is not able to handle highly emotional things for whatever reason. I cannot do anything about that, I can, however, learn how to understand and handle the emotion on my end.