As I get older some things start to click. It is amazing to me that I have heard something a thousand times, read it, learned it etc. and it never stuck, until one day it just literally smacks you upside the head and says, hey idiot, you have known this forever, now DO IT!!
I send out a blanket I'm Sorry to everyone that I have ever crossed paths with, and exchanged words or actions with, because if I did more than smile and move on, I did something wrong. Maybe I did not smile, but moved on. Maybe I did not notice your pain because of my pain (not an excuse btw, just a fact, unfortunately), maybe I said something without thinking, or in a hurry, or asked a question and did not take the time to listen, or spoke over you to get my thought/point across. Whatever it was, if we have had an interaction I could have done it wrong. I also could have done it right and you took it wrong, I could have done it right but you saw thru it to my lack of understanding and forgave me then and there, not sure, just know I have done and said a LOT wrong.
I will tell you, I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life. I have been angry at some, hurt by many, but even in the darkest pain, rarely did I want to cause harm. (I say rarely, because there were a few times I wished Donovan struck down while hurting me). Other than that, I never wished or intentionally set out to hurt or seek revenge on anyone.
I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life. I believe that we meet people for a reason. I do not think those that are in my life, are there by random chance. If I am paying attention, I learn a lot from those around me. I have not paid a lot of attention overall. I wish I could say that was different. I wish I could say that I have listened when needed, hugged when needed, wept with those that needed it, shut up when needed, and been exactly what others needed me to be, but I cannot. I do need to take care of myself, but never at the expense of someone I love. That said, I do believe that I do no good to someone if I am hiding and ignoring my stuff to make you feel better, that is not what I mean. However, I would never intentionally sacrifice someone I loved for me to be happy or content.
I am learning now. I am understanding more now. I am going to continue to do so.
One lesson I have learned quite clearly (and this is another, oh my gosh how did you not apply that to your life yet? situations. When someone is forced to act, be, do, say something that they themselves do not believe in, they will not only not appreciate it or find the joy and fulfillment you may want them to find, but they will more than likely resent the heck out of you and the item you are asking them to act, be, do, or say for a long long time if not forever.
There are no instruction manuals on how to be a parent/person, yes there are a million books. But everyone of us has and will continue to make mistakes. Learning from those mistakes is what makes us who we are. Learning, growing, and changing for the better. I am old, I am a very very slow learner. I appreciate all of you that understand and forgive, are patient, and know that I love you regardless of my ignorance. I am trying now. I am out of the fog enough to focus, to understand. Please keep teaching me. Please keep being my examples. Please keep loving me despite me. I am so lucky to have you in my life. I am trying to understand and learn and grow along with you all.
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