Tree Roaches!!!

so Nghi and I were watching Sweet Home Alabama, enjoying a nice break with a cute movie...Nghi says, oh a cockroach. Well Mike is gone so I must be the one in charge of chasing those right?? So I get up and put on my slippers, meander a few steps and see it...scream, which of course makes Nghi scream.

I ask what am I going to do? she says here, I look at her extended hand which has in it a piece of plastic the size of a half dollar - as she is standing on the couch out of the roaches path mind you!

I ask what in tarnation she expects me to do with the 1/4 inch wide 1-1/4 inch long thing barreling at us???  (NOT A MATCH FOR THE DINOSAUR SIZE COCKROACH COMING AT US!!)

I scream what the bloody hell does she want me to do with that???? take it out, she says?? Right, picking it up with that was my first thought!

I grab one of the plastic containers we are sorting things into - 12 gallon or so?? and I slam it down on top of it, now Nghi is asking why I hit it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Self preservation comes to mind!

so I pick it up and slam it down 5-6 more times, just to be sure. She is wondering if I have gone mad by now. So I get a paper towel, that will work to throw away this thing right?? I lift it up, no, too big. So I get the vacuum, that will work. So I get it ready and lift up the container and that son of a biscuit is running again. Oh my heck I sucked him up in the vacuum and left it running. We can leave it running for 11 days until Mike returns right???

Nghi took her leave and went upstairs by the way, leaving me alone on the first floor to wonder if he can get out of the vacuum. I did turn it off but I will confess that I have turned it back on a dozen or so times just to ensure he stays at the bottom if he has managed to crawl up a bit. 

Everything is bigger in Texas, except my courage against bugs!!

Going/Coming Home

there are times when you are on vacation and you are so very excited to be there and do what you are doing, then you hit that wall and you just say, I am ready to go home, ready to be in my bed around my things...getting on with life. I had that feeling driving home today. It was so bizarre to have that feeling coming home.

I did not want to go to Texas, did not want to leave my kids and grandkids. My grandkids more only because they change so fast, I badly do not want them to forget me or to not want me to be a huge part of their lives because they are not used to me. I know that is insecurity on my part but I do not want that. I want to see all of their dance recitals/school programs/sports events...I cannot do that if I live 25 hours away.

However, despite all of my arguing about it I absolutely know that I was supposed to go, no idea why but I did know I was. When I tried to work it out to stay here, it did not feel right, all went wrong. I set it up to leave and like dominoes the obstacles fell out of the way.

Now I am home for a visit, 4th of July/Tysons bday/Destiny s dance class etc and I have been here for a week and a half and I feel like I need to be moving on. It is almost like ... ok you said yes, you went, now you are back and are wanting to stay so I need to give you yet another push that this is not where you are supposed to be.

I have no idea why I need to be gone from here, but I know I do. so many emotions about that.

All I can do is follow the opportunities and see what happens. Wish me luck!!

Blow it up

I think the reason I will not be in charge of my own world is because I would blow it up. I think I would look at us today and say, you know what, epic fail, game over...

What have we created??? 

You watch the news for 3 minutes and you hear several horrific events from individuals that are so beyond messed up that you despise them, cry for them and what horrific event got them to that place, and you mourn for the loss they created. Families ripped apart by the event, sometimes by their own family members. 

There are compassionate people, kind people, those who serve one another, those who work hard for their community not only themselves, non-judgemental, those who are truly loving...but all in the same person??? there are a very small handful.

Then you look at the GOOD side...we have what?? a well educated hard working individual that makes it in the world, and what does that mean...they have to sacrifice family because we have progressed so far. Pioneers had it so hard and lost a lot of lives because of lack of medical knowledge/tools...they worked from sun up to sun down, but they were a team. They stuck together and worked together, to succeed we leave our families for 40-100 hours a week, and when we come home we still work. Wow, aren't we great. We sacrifice everything to get ahead, we have to sacrifice time with our family just to pay the monthly bills...we have created a world where you can no longer afford to have any extras. It is work work work to keep a roof over your head. there are starving individuals who aren't taking advantage of the system or hooked on drugs, there are homeless that missed just a paycheck or two. the percentage of those of us that are that close to that fate is astronomical. 

We are messed up...epic fail, game over

So this last year I have had a lot of thoughts about Tarah. Most of it has been brought on by Diederik calling and telling me stories about Tarah. I have appreciated hearing new stories and have been able to learn about aspects of her life that I would never have otherwise known. Another link was Pam Gustman. She comes to our company and does massages every month and one time something was mentioned about Nedra and after talking it came out that she used to babysit Tarah, and her kids played with her. Her daughter also works there and told the story of her and Tarah trying to do dishes but neither knowing how, due to lack of doing it. They loaded the dishwasher and then put in regular dish soap not dishwasher soap and it bubbled all over the kitchen floor so they just started playing in the suds.
Then through Diederik I have talked to 2 other individuals that knew Tarah very well, one of which is her step sister Michelle Tischner. Troy Fullmer, a family friend, works with her and we did a 3 way call. We also set up a time to go to dinner next week, and I learned a few things. Michelle said her and Tarah used to write letters and she has laminated them and will bring them. In the letters Michelle said she talks about her biological mother. I CANNOT wait to read them.
It would have been so much better if I could have talked to her in person, but since that is not possible, I am looking forward to continue hearing and learning anything and everything I can...

June was quite the month, well it isn't even over. The month started with birthday dinner for Joel and I...it seems that it was a crazy day but I cannot recall why at this point, should have written then. Anyway, I prepared to head to Nebraska/South Dakota with Ashley and Amanda for David and Emily's wedding. It was so awesome. We drove 15+ hours and arrived at the address we had for the hotel and it was an awning with a door and a couple of doors up some steps but nothing looked like was a hotel/no desk/room numbers that we could see etc. So I call the number I had for the hotel and they laughed, yes, we were in right spot, just head up the stairs and punch in the code...umm, what code? more laughter, and then she told me the code. Room was fun. When you walk in there is an antique desk to left of door, a round table and old fashioned lace cloth and lamp, day bed to right of door on wall, then same wall was fridge, microwave, wire rack with china etc. then cute bathroom with pedestal sink and tub with rounded edges where it was not against wall. Then in bedroom was a huge bed that was the most comfortable thing I have ever in my life encountered. An old fashioned dresser with mirror, stand alone full length mirror that was beautiful, a lattice screen with shelves etc behind it for dressing area, and then a tiled raised area with HUGE claw foot tub for two...was a little weird for my daughters and I lol. We got Burger King and went to bed. The next day Michele arrived and we went to help unload cars and start decorating. We decorated for several hours - 5 or 6 - then we went with Michele to Mexican restaurant and then shopping at WalMart. Then back to hotel. The following day we started off by decorating reception hall again, then headed to golf course club house to decorate for grooms dinner, then to church to decorate. After all day of decorating we ran home to change and headed back for rehearsal. We were all fine until David wiped his cheek after Emily walked towards him, oh my gosh, we all lost it, mildly. So sweet. Emily and her bridesmaids were all dressed so nicely and all of the groomsmen were in jeans etc. was funny. Then we went to the grooms dinner and David gave a very sweet talk and they handed out gifts. Then we ate dinner and dessert, and dismantled the decorations, and headed home to hotel in South Dakota - hotel and reception in South Dakota, grooms dinner and wedding in Nebraska. Then Sat we woke up and headed to wedding which was absolutely beautiful and amazing. David was crying as he led mom and dad up aisle and gave them a hug, then he cried while Emily came up the aisle, red eyes and discreet wiping, then both he and Emily had shaky voices as they said their vows. Then we left the church in rows and when it was almost empty we headed to front to dismantle the decorations there. We finished before David and Emily went out to limo. Amazing how many hours it takes to put it up and how little time to take down, reminds me of Thanksgiving dinner that takes so long to make/prepare and how 20 minutes later everyone is full and gone. Anyway, then we headed to reception and had such a nice time. Dinner/Dessert etc then dances/cutting of cake etc etc etc and then Ash Manda and I headed back to hotel for a while. We went back a couple of times to see what was going on and then about 11:45 we went back and started taking down lobby decorations. Michele came back about midnight and we all started going full steam as everyone started to leave. We worked around several but they had migrated down towards bar and stayed on dance floor. So with all of us working it was not bad. Home in bed by 2. Then we woke up and headed to Michele and Dougs hotel room where everyone gathered for gift opening and lunch. We watched the gift opening and then said our goodbyes. Hit Wendys and hit the road. I drove until it was dark and then Ashley took over. got home safely and was very glad to get out of car!! Then Ash and I returned the rental car the next day and just took it easy. That evening I received an email from Candy that her son was missing and that a dead body was found in the vehicle him and step brother were driving. Next couple of days I kept in touch and on Wednesday, 2 days later, they confirmed that the body was her son Steven. I could not believe it. So I told my work that I had to head out again. I had Kim and Amanda take car up to Tom's as I did not want to spend money to rent one again but spent $362 to get it ready to go...ugh. Headed out Sat morn around 4 and arrived there around noon. Mom had flown in on Friday and Angie (my sister) was already there as was Tanya and Natasha (Candys daughters)  Candy Tanya Natasha and I then jumped back in car to go to LA where they found the vehicle. Candy wanted to put flowers, candles, and card there. Stevens half sisters went and added more flowers etc later. Later that night mom and I did some shopping, filled my car up with gas and I got a hotel room. Sunday we did...I don't know what. Pretty much Sunday and Monday we were copying pictures, painting items, getting flowers and items ready to go to funeral. Tues night George Tanya Sage (Tanyas son) and I went to LAX to pick up Michele. then on Wed we drove to Big Bear/Running Springs for funeral. Thursday we just shopped etc. trying to keep Candy busy. Michele mom and I went to Angies and went thru items to load my car with. Candy Tanya and Natasha arrived several hours later and we went out to eat then swam in pool/jacuzzi at Angies. Then on Friday we went to Newport Beach where we all proceeded to burn although Michele and I were lobsters. Michele and I went back to hotel and got cleaned up, shopped and got pizza for dinner. Sat morn we had talked about going to Catalina but Michele was way hurting so we just hung at Candys, cleaned out her fridge and then Angie came out to eat KFC.. Then I headed out to dads house. I know way to dads but was tired so decided to let GPS do work and got a little lost. They wanted me to turn up road that did not look good so I passed it but because I did not think for myself I was turned around and so did U Turn and turned on road but literally stopped after 2 feet and decided not to chance it, but was stuck. After going forward and backward I got out but had ripped off 2 huge plastic deals that protect under carriage and my bumper was hanging down on both sides! So I called dad, he came and put parts in his trunk and took my car to jerry to fix. Jerry lifted car and said no damage and re-connected the bumper for me so I could drive home. I was bawling because of emotions and how tired I was!! I was so upset. Had a short but nice visit with dad then set alarm for 3 but was up and out by time it went off and was gone by 3:15. Had uneventful drive home and I pray I do not have to get in car for long ride for a long long time. OK enough for tonight!!!!

So I was thinking last week about how you are supposed to get it all done. You need to work to make sure you keep a roof over your head etc. you need to exercise and you need to eat right, which of course entails shopping and cooking not eating out, then you need to enlighten your mind which requires reading, learning, then you have to keep your house clean etc. and it goes on and on and on...each of those subjects require a lot of time and energy and one begets another. ie if you do not exercise and  eat right then you do not have the energy to work and clean etc. and so on and so forth. so with needing sleep how is one to balance all of these things while still having a bit of fun and finding joy in life? Wait wait wait, this is not to discourage you, I have the answer....we just need to be one of the Cullens!!!! no sleeping, smart due to time, talents enhanced, money due to knowing everything and so it goes, see...the solution!! LOL oh well, guess I will just get some sleep and try to succeed in all areas again tomorrow!

so you hear about people writing a blog and making money doing it. how does one do this?

More thoughts

I think blogs are like journals, we do not write a lot but even if we do we want to delete/tear out pages because we do not want others seeing us at our most vulnerable. We may write when something is so amazing and exciting but for the most part I think we write when we are contemplative/pondering/pensive/hurting. I for one have thrown away many a journal page because of not wanting anyone to know what pain and stupidity are within its pages.  just a thought.

Anyway, I really want to quit work. As far as jobs go, I have a good one. But I often think about life and where I thought I would be at - almost - 48, and this is not it. I would like my self sustaining property with my kids on their own 10 acres if they would like it. Or even here in my apt. minus the people upstairs. I have thought of many things I would like to do in order to attain this goal, other jobs, businesses but they would be run by me and my rules/hours. Not in a way that would make it to where I did nothing, although on some days that sounds good, but more in the way of doing something I would love to do. That I could be passionate about instead of just liking a paycheck. Bed and breakfast. Restaurant - small and cozy with couches as well as tables (the Chocolate that Chrissy took me to is almost exactly what I had in my head, seeing it just made me realize that my thought could become a reality) although I would want to provide delivery service. Book store before e-books took over the world lol. The ultimate dream would be to build this or convert this house on top of an Irish cliff overlooking the ocean, fireplace blazing. But I would settle for Utah County!

I have started a book, although I have no idea where it is going or even if it could go anywhere. How is it some people have so much confidence? They know what they want to do and then believe in themselves and their abilities and just go for it, regardless??? They fail, and fail, and then succeed. What is that ingredient that makes some seemingly better than others? They are not, they just fake it til they make it. The Slight Edge (book) talks about doing one small thing, seemingly insignificant, each day that makes a difference. ie. save one dollar, read 10 pages of a self help book instead of a novel, pass by the cake one time, do one sit up etc. Add those up and soon you are financially, mentally, socially, physically improving. One small item, one baby step, one step on your journey of a thousand miles. Will I take that step?

Tonight I thought of a series of kids books about traveling. Somehow to make it fun for kids but yet educational so parents will buy it. My dream when my kids were little was to take them out of school for a year and get in a motor home and go. We would hit historical sites, and I wanted to hit church history sites, but to stay as long or as little as we would like in each place learning as much as we could. I want to put that adventure in books. One book per site or state or country, something like that. illustrations, stories, characters etc. I would love to publish these and be able to retire in a while. Anyway, I need to go to bed but I wanted to write it down so I would not forget. I told Amanda about my idea, and asked her to, so now it will be in 2 spots!! Good night all!!