Design your dream house in words

in one word: sunny
two: sunny and trees
three: sunny, trees, and cozy
four: sunny,trees, cozy, and inviting

• I want a LOT of windows, and would not mind living in a place that was so surrounded by trees that I did not have to close the blinds, although I would so I was not in a fish bowl! 

• I want trees, I love southern trees, but I just want a lot of trees. 
• I would like a jetted tub that had a fabulous view. 
• Since we are dreaming, I would put in a sound system, high quality and able to have music, and talking to one another from room to room. 
• I want a huge shower with a bench and swash and waterfall shower head overhead, and a stationary shower head where a normal one would go and a detachable one by bench. (this of course would require dual water heaters that feed into one another so it is always warm). 
• I want wood floors in main areas. 
• I want a huge master closet and bedroom big enough to have a sitting area and fireplace. 
• I want a fireplace in the den/family room. 
• I want a very nice modern kitchen that I will never use!
•  I want a big pantry and a separate closet for vacuum, broom, and cleaning products off of the laundry room. 
• I would like a table/island/counter for folding in the laundry room, and a hanging area with a heater vent so they will dry quicker. 
• I used to want 2 dryers and 2 dishwashers as there was never enough time without  those, however, even with 2 of us here when Eva is in the hospital it is 2 weeks before we even have close to enough dishes to start a load! And 3 loads of laundry a week for me, so that hardly calls for 2 dryers. 
• And I do want a one floor home - non negotiable if we are dreaming
• I want a garage that I can drive into and go into the house thru the garage. 
• I want a stand up deep freeze in the room for storage, next to pantry? part of pantry? 
• I would like a guest room that is used for nothing but guests, stays nice, like the formal living room that is used for nothing but visitors that stays nice. 
• I want a room for grandkids that visit. 
• I would LOVE an atrium in my house, life and breath and just plain fun. 
• I would love an enclosed patio. I love sitting on the porch/patio area but can only do it right after I purchase the chairs or when I hose them off because the thought of bugs keeps me from sitting on them. I want floor to ceiling windows in the patio sunroom that will open when the weather permits and closed to keep the air conditioner inside when not. 
• Oh yeah, central air/heat. 
• I would love a pool, at the least a lap pool, and I would love it to be enclosed but with a wall in windows that can open on the perfect day. 
• of course the dream of having 50+ acres and having four houses on 10 acre lots, with sustainable business on one plot - the idea was a grocery store, and we could work a certain amount of hours for free supplies, and 8 plex or something similar on one plot for income and friends that need it. This dream comes with community garden/barn/horses etc/4 wheelers at each home to ride the property and for my grand kids to zip over to grandmas house! And a medical clinic for Ash to run that will be income and for us, same with herb store/health store/restaurant. but alas, this last one may be stretching it lol

I think that is it... sounds pretty awesome to me!

Missing the Posts

I get that we are all busy, I am too. I am trying to get 2 weeks of hw done in 3 days so that I can enjoy visiting with everyone over the next few weeks, but dang, I miss reading all of your posts. I am so very homesick at times, and I wish circumstances were different, however I know they are as they are for a reason. I hope that we can one day all be closer, or I will win the sweepstakes and be able to travel to you quickly and frequently!!! But for now, I realize we cannot do daily blogs, but can we do every other day or a couple of times a week like we talked about?? and Yes, I do know I am not doing it either...would just like to.

Love and miss you all very much. Will be seeing you soon.

Stupid Day

There are times when you wake up and feel good and are ready to take the world by storm. There are times that you are still sleepy, not feeling well, just do not want to get out of bed, and as I say far to often, the list goes on and on. Today I was so tired, I had no desire to get up. This could have been due to the late night/early morning, or due to the fact that I had therapy this morning, or because I had to see the lawyer after?? Not sure but because I had a commitment, I rolled out. (actually I put the leg rest down and stood up as I was in the chair)

I have cancelled several appointments lately. Eva is back in the hospital, and Mike works all day and then stops to see Eva, sometimes until late and goes straight to bed when he gets home, so it is really easy to never leave. I have my fridge stocked with salads, celery, carrots, cucumbers, almond milk, lunch meat etc. so I have zero reason to leave for sustenance. I purposely shopped wisely, so as to only have good choices when needing something to munch on.

However, on Tuesday I was so mad at myself for not getting even one treat at the store that I ordered a bag of M&Ms from Wal-Mart and had them ship it!! It was supposed to arrive today...I can officially say, this is the rock bottom of my addiction and desire never to leave the house combined!! WOW!

So that said, Texas does not have good donuts in my opinion. TONS of donut places, tons. But for me they are not good, everything has filling..yuk. the Kolache's is the big thing, and I am not all that fond of them. But next to the hair place we go to there is a little donut shop that oh my oh my does indeed make really good donuts, but thankfully they close at 1. So by the time I talk myself into leaving the house, if I do, it is generally later than 1, so I have missed a lot of opportunities. My lawyer happens to be near there, so when I schedule appts. I make them late enough that even if I leave a bit early it will be too late. as a side note - this is a sad way to live lol - However, today I had to go to the lawyers to drop off a paper, and I was not making a second trip out of the house, and therapy is at 11 so...I now have a dozen donuts sitting next to me. If the M&Ms are on the porch, it could be an all out sugar coma tonight.

OK...so the reason I got on is because I cannot get on minecraft, have not been able to for a few days. Today I was so tired of the other stupid games and cleaning I have been doing and boredom I have been experiencing that I read how to start a server, which version, which plug ins, and a whole lot of other things, so I made a minecraft world I could get on .... of course I got a free one and it expires in an hour, although you just need to renew, and then I gave myself admin privileges but I do not know what to do with them lol It is so much easier when I have hw, and a purpose to sitting here on the computer all day.....so the day is just a stupid waste of a day and I hope that tomorrow is better.

Sleep

Who needs sleep...you're never gonna get it

And if I were sitting with my girls I would say, name that song...and all would get it right because they are awesome like that!! And of course, either after, or instead of saying the answer we would all break out in song, and Shadow would look at us like we had lost our minds, although he has heard it often enough that he ignores us now lol

However this is a lack of sleep blog. I have been staying up until approx. 3-5 for a long time. I turn everything off early so that I can shut down. I read, I listen to music, I do a lot of different things. And if I should happen to go to bed at 10 or 11 ish I wake up by 12 or 1 ish... it is baffling.

Long gone are the nights I need to be alert to hear the babies crying, about 23 years (and this is not because Amanda was old enough not to cry, but because Ashley cried, or more accurately, screamed, until she was 7!! lol) JK Long gone are the nights that I have had to work a graveyard, wow it is a long gone thing, and long gone are the nights that I need to be awake and alert to keep peace, or to make sure he does not come in from shed or out from bedroom drunk and cause issues with kids.

So why am I still not sleeping you ask? It must be my head. Nightmares are less frequent than they used to be, but still there. We all know the fear of closing our eyes, dark, unknown...

I imagine this new bout is due to the 14th. He does not know where I am, but I am not near my babies, who are no longer babies and who no longer need me to protect them, as I did not protect them. I still remember the best night sleep I have gotten in the last 30 years. It was in Philadelphia. Hotel room was on 15th floor, dark, quiet, All of my girls were accounted for, away from AF ... I do not imagine there was any other reason, bed was good but not so spectacular it put me in an 8 hour coma...but sleep I did. I have often thought of returning there to see if it was the hotel ...

Well it is 4 am, and I guess if I am going to stay up, I should go finish my paper that is due tonight. Final paper in this class yay!! Only 6 more classes to go, and then I will be smart - s - m - r - t!!

WARNING!!! This is a letter from Donovan to Michael. Feel free to read or not

I have been talking to Michael and asking for things he may know. He did quit talking to Donovan months ago, but informed me this morning that he received a letter from him. I asked if he would share it, if he felt ok doing that. This is the part he sent.

Apparently he has a torn rotator cuff and melanoma cancer. The melanoma does not surprise me given his life, however this may not be the case.

I say that because of the time he was trying to win me back to his side and he told me he had cancer. Told me he went to AF Hospital for tests/confirmation. Told me that they were instructed not to tell me anything so not to call. I responded, by calling. Told the hospital I was the insurance carrier and he had given them the wrong address so that if they wanted paid .... he had no record of being there, at all. To which I was not surprised. When I did not believe him, he said he was going to Huntsman to get it removed. Headed out, I watched the time and he was not gone long enough to go there and back, much less go there get a procedure done and back. But he had his cotton ball in his belly button with tape over it, so I would know it was real. Wow. I could believe either way...So, this may or may not be the case, you can draw your own conclusion, or not think of it at all.

Despite it all, I hope he is truly going to leave you all alone, and keep his word. I hope he has learned some sort of lesson and will never ever hurt any of you again. I hope he will never again hurt anyone else on this planet. I hope he truly grasps what he did.

Live Wealthy or Die Remembered

I choose to die remembered .... for being wealthy!!!

I am not going to lie, I have lived with nothing to my name including a roof. I have lived with not a whole lot more than a roof over my head. I would not mind winning the sweepstakes and get enough money after taxes to not worry about a home or car for the rest of my life. I do not need a lot. I do not think my life would change. I have had this conversation before. I would like enough to not worry about the bills, or whether I can pick up prescriptions today or have to wait until payday. I would love to go somewhere and see something (small box size something) and admire it and buy it, and not have to walk away from it. I would keep my car, I rather love it. And I do not want a large home, I would love to build a small home near enough to my babies to see them often, and attend my grand kids events. So...

I would love for those that knew me say things that they cannot say now. The attributes that I would love to have, I hope that I have them when I pass on so that I can be remembered as that person. I think one of the challenges is to write your own eulogy, maybe I will do that next. A today one, and one I can aspire to.

Are You Seeking Security or Adventure?

Well my easy answer is security. And in a relationship, that would be number one. In my life right now, with school being the priority, adventure is an incredible gift. We all know that I am not adventurous. I do not like scary movies or haunted houses, carnival rides, meeting new people, and the list goes on. The last year and a half however, I have done a lot of things that would be considered an adventure, traveling being chief on that list. So security in relationship and adventure until then, Done!!