The Mom Manual

Now there are so many self help books, parenting books etc. that you can read your way thru parenting. But as they say, there is no manual for being a parent.

I will be the first to say that I did a lot wrong as a parent. We do not even have to talk about having the atomic bomb atmosphere that we did.

I personally made a lot of mistakes. We go by what our parents did, we think we change what they did that we did not like but we often do not. We liked how this friends parents did things so we try to emulate those items but the bottom line is that we are who we are and we are trying to learn and change as people while we are trying to build young people to be contributing members of society and good people.

We do not always like the choices our adult (or even not adult) children make, and I can only speak for me personally, but I felt it was my duty to make sure I reacted when my kids did something I saw as dangerous...not running out into the street dangerous...but any habit that might move them towards being like their father and I. I know I went about this the wrong way most of the time, if not all, but I did not realize it at the time.

For instance, and I hope she is ok with me using this as an example, but when I found out Christina was drinking. I freaked. I did not handle it well. I was not only upset with that choice but felt that it was dangerous given the long list of addictions her parents had gone thru, not all given up. To me it was like watching a loved one put dynamite down their throat and thinking all would be well.

I could list a thousand reactions and choices I made with my kids that I handled incorrectly, now that I have matured a bit, learned some more, and have gone thru counseling about my reactions. However, I never once loved my kids any less. I never once wanted anything but a pain free path for them as adults. Saving them from others, and themselves brought out the worst in me at times, as I did not want them to learn the hard way as I did.

I had a dream of living in the same house forever. My kids growing up going out for any sport or activity that they wanted and me supporting them financially and emotionally. I wanted them to have life long friends and roots, traditions and plans that were everything they could dream of. Not all dreams come true.

I really do not like the thought...I wish I could go back. I always feel like if we did we would repeat the same mistakes, because we were the same people. Like moving to a new place will help with a fresh start, but you take you with you so there really is no such thing. You can stay where you are and do the changing.

I hope my kids know that I apologize for all of the mistakes and over reactions I have made in my life. I hope they know that I have always and will always love them even if I disagree with their choices, and I hope they love me even when they disagree with mine. I hope they know I wanted the world for them and I wanted them to know they could accomplish anything. I truly believe that they still can. I truly believe that I have extraordinary children, and not just because I am their mom. They have all risen up out of the ashes and made a life they are happy with. That is an extraordinary statement to be able to make about your kids. A mom could want no more.

I am so grateful that my kids that have kids are doing it better. They are being the parents that I am proud of. I know they are making good decisions and choices for their lives and children that they are happy with. Even when we do not agree, I love them and am proud of them.

I am so grateful that all of my children are learning earlier than I did to take care of themselves and their relationships. I am so grateful that they have partners that agree with them on how to live, how to raise children etc. and that they do not have to do it alone or beat their head against a brick wall to try and get anything done their way, only to fail.

I hope my kids that read this know that this is an upbeat thought. I am truly happy that I am in a place mentally that I can see most of what I did wrong, I say most because I am sure I missed some or have forgotten some. I am not depressed that I did it wrong. I do wish I had not, but I cannot have regrets to the point of depression because that would get me no where. What I can have is realizations of what I did wrong, and pray that I never make those same mistakes with any other human beings again. I can realize that I made mistakes as a parent and pray my kids recognize my human nature and realization enough to know I wanted more for them, from me to them.  I cannot relive their child hoods, nor my mistakes to change them. I can acknowledge them and work towards loving them as they are, regardless.

I am grateful I am learning things, and learning to accept my failures as part of life...it is what it was and I can only move forward from here. I hope you all do better, continue to do better as you are all way ahead of me at your ages. Love you all...