I get it...I am sorry for the past. I am sorry that there has been pain and suffering and loss of childhood. I get that I did not do what was needed to protect my children. I get it all. I get the guilt and pain from what I went thru, what I allowed in my life which allowed in their lives. I get it.
All of us suffer from regret, pain, guilt...and all of the other emotions and things that go along with being abused in one or more forms.
I have a ton of guilt and regrets. However, I did the best I could with that I had. I did. NEVER at any time say, lets see, this will be better for me and destroy the girls so that will be ok. NEVER did I say/think/do at ANY time, ANYTHING that would adversely affect anyone in my life for the worst on purpose. I KNOW I was weak, I KNOW I was wrong, I KNOW I failed as a parent. I KNOW I did not do what I had envisioned I was going to do when I started out as a new mother. Despite moving to Texas when all of my children were capable adults have I EVER abandoned or stopped loving any of my children. I failed to prepare you all properly for life, responsibility, productiveness....I did, but I will no longer apologize. Not because I am no longer sorry or feeling any responsibility but because it is done and gone and I unfortunately can no longer change it. I can only move on. I have been unable to move on because I am still reliving what I did or did not do for my girls. I can no longer do that. I need to start living. I need to start my life.
I hope that one day I can have a relationship with each of my daughters and their partners/spouses and their children. I hope that one day we can have a normal (ish) get together and have fun. Play games, eat, watch movies, laugh until we cry moments.
I am not responsible for anything that you do from this day forward. It has been that way for a while but I still clung on to you and your lives, some more than others. I WANT the VERY best of EVERYTHING for each and everyone of you. I want your children to be 100% better than you are, as you are already 100% better than I am. I hope that one day you will understand what I have already figured out with my parents. I can love and respect them DESPITE the issues that we had when I was a kid. I do not forget it, I do not even understand the reasons behind it. However, I was not in their shoes, their heads, or in their level of understanding and therefore do not hold it against them. I have NO DOUBT that my parents have rethought a decision or two, and action or two with regards to me. They may think they would do the same, they may think they would do it differently, I do not know, nor does it change anything. I have NO DOUBT that I have rethought a decision or two, and action or a thousand....I may or may not think I would do it differently, however, I CANNOT CHANGE IT NOW, I CANNOT MAKE IT DIFFERENT I DID WHAT I DID AT THE TIME BECAUSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE AWARE OF. Does not matter. I was weak and continue to be weak, and have allowed myself to do and say things that I never thought possible.
I may never be forgiven for what I did or did not do but I, unfortunately, can do nothing about that. That is all on you. It is on you how you live your lives. It is all on you how you raise your children. It is all on you how you work, play, or any other thing that you choose. I am not responsible for what or what not... you do. I absolutely want the best for you all, I hope you start from today, if you have not already done so, to live and live well. Love well, give love well, be loved well, follow the path that you choose. I DO support you on that path. I will NOT agree with everything you choose, I will NOT understand everything you choose, I WILL love you ALWAYS. I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU. If we lose touch....I do not care how long it is between visits or communications....I WILL BE HERE WHEN YOU CHOOSE. I HAVE NEVER LEFT, I HAVE NEVER NOT BEEN AVAILABLE TO YOU.
Please understand that I love each and every one of you. I will continue trying to the best of my ability to be the best me I can be.
I personally understand all of that, but as much as I wish that things were different, sometimes we just cannot be around each other without being frustrated. There are times when I am frustrated and times when I am not. All we can do is to try our best, and I know for myself, I often fall short. I wish I could claim perfection and never snap or be unkind to anyone I love, but unfortunately that isn't the case. For myself, I want a relationship with my mother and all of my sisters, whether it be close or at a distance. Sometimes, though, the past will affect that. Hopefully we can all take those days that it does with a grain of salt and move forward hopeful for the next good day.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I agree that we make it hard on each other at times by just being in the same room. We are each at a different place of the healing process and that will be a long process I believe. I do love each one of my girls, I do want each one of my girls in my life. I also understand that those times may be fewer than others due to our own process. I just want everyone to know that I am here when they need me. I do not take any moments for granted anymore. I used to think that it would always be something that would be there, and that is just not the case. If that is what my girls need, then I understand that better now. Of course I wish it were not, but I love and appreciate the times that I get, or had. I know I for one did not plan it this way when I started out. As I am sure none of you plan for it to be that way. I am so so so grateful that you are all in a better place than I was in every area, and grateful that those that follow will be in a different situation. I absolutely agree that I have hope that we can all take those times with a grain of salt and move forward hopeful for the next good day!!
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