There is not anything going on...I just realized I had some cash in my new phone case. This of course made me think about the cash I had hidden in my old phone case....this led me to remember some cash I had hidden in the cd case in my car...and on and on it went.
I know you have all commented on this before, but I really wanted to reiterate it. please, please, please check everything when I can no longer do that for myself. I had at one time put some cash in a pair of tennis shoes I never wore and an empty toothpaste box that looked like part of the storage. It will not be riches but I generally have some around. Wait as long as you need, do it immediately as you toss stuff...but look at everything!! Love you all
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Monday, January 29, 2018
Vulnerable
I am not a victim. I am not a survivor...yet. I have survived so far. I am still vulnerable, still jump at my own shadow, still feel so scared, nervous, and alone. I do not want to feel like this. I do not want to be the person that fears walking downstairs here because there are window panes next to the front door and someone may see me. I am staying awake at night and sleeping during the daylight hours because there is a smaller chance that anyone would risk coming thru the door in the light of day. I had plans to do a lot of cleaning and organizing while they were gone as I feel like it will be my last big push for them before I leave here. But I am nervous, scared. I have an appt. tomorrow and I do not want to go because the house will be empty and vulnerable while I am gone and I cannot search every corner because that would freak me out. I have work to do in my room, at my desk, but I cannot because my back would be to the door aka everything. I am scared, and will be for 8 more days....
I really do not want to feel like this. What makes it worse is that I do not want to return to Kimberly's house because I do not want to bring this to their door. So what is the alternative?? Do I stay here? No, because they leave all of the time and this house is too big to be alone in for a week to 3 weeks at a time. I could do a couple of days to a week at Kimberly's because no one could see me go to the front door. If they are in the backyard, the intention has already been announced. As no one would have invited me into the back yard...
OK...I do not know what to do about this, oh that sounds familiar. I doubt very seriously that I will ever figure it out. I would like to fake it so that I am not a bother to anyone. What a head case!!
I really do not want to feel like this. What makes it worse is that I do not want to return to Kimberly's house because I do not want to bring this to their door. So what is the alternative?? Do I stay here? No, because they leave all of the time and this house is too big to be alone in for a week to 3 weeks at a time. I could do a couple of days to a week at Kimberly's because no one could see me go to the front door. If they are in the backyard, the intention has already been announced. As no one would have invited me into the back yard...
OK...I do not know what to do about this, oh that sounds familiar. I doubt very seriously that I will ever figure it out. I would like to fake it so that I am not a bother to anyone. What a head case!!
Monday, January 22, 2018
Pain and healing go hand in hand at times
I know that the time of my death that no one will say, she was always so happy. I do strive to be a person that they can say, she tried to be positive, if not "always" at least, "most of the time". I do pray that I do not fail as often as I fear I do fail.
I pray that I do not diminish mine or anyone else's pain - it is not a big deal, it is pinky pain, it is not important...for there are things that may not be important to someone else, but they are important to me or vice versa. Again...I pray that I do not fail in this as often as I fear I have.
I do hope that with that I can always remember that my pain is real. That is may not seem so to others, but if I feel it, it is real. That goes with everyone else also...I should not, my daughters should not, nor others should not...feel that they should not grieve or struggle because others have gone thru far worse, or .... etc. apples and oranges. I imagine that even those that appear to have never had a bad day or a struggle in life, have had just that, just as we all have had.
In trying to fix my life, I have had to regurgitate several events that I wish never to remember. I wish lobotomy level to forget. I do not believe that we need to relive every lousy event in our lives to heal, nor do I believe it is healthy to dwell on those events for longer than it takes to work thru the particular item that needs worked thru. However, there are times that we need to visit a time or event to understand the aspects we need to. In future times, we may need to call upon this event again to work on a different aspect of the same event. Regardless, this is a painful process. I do wish that there was no pain, or at least not the level of pain that my heart is feeling right now. It is a wonder how we can survive these events. And I imagine it is far too much to ask that we remain unscathed thru them...
Oh how I wish I were done with the healing process. Oh how I pray my girls are ok when they decide to go thru it. That they have a huge support in the ones that they choose to yoke themselves too, and that they not only can but are encouraged to talk, cry, scream, and heal as they are accepted and loved thru them.
I felt like I would not make it thru today. I was alone in my own thoughts for most of it. I do not want to burden anyone. I do not think that anyone needs to go thru this with me. That is what a companion is for, to walk that walk with you. I do not have one ... obviously, although I am so grateful that I have none rather than the wrong one!! I did make it thru, I will continue to make it thru. I will never give up trying to look at the positive side, and at least attempting to be that one that tries to be positive in all situations as often as humanly possible.
I pray that I do not diminish mine or anyone else's pain - it is not a big deal, it is pinky pain, it is not important...for there are things that may not be important to someone else, but they are important to me or vice versa. Again...I pray that I do not fail in this as often as I fear I have.
I do hope that with that I can always remember that my pain is real. That is may not seem so to others, but if I feel it, it is real. That goes with everyone else also...I should not, my daughters should not, nor others should not...feel that they should not grieve or struggle because others have gone thru far worse, or .... etc. apples and oranges. I imagine that even those that appear to have never had a bad day or a struggle in life, have had just that, just as we all have had.
In trying to fix my life, I have had to regurgitate several events that I wish never to remember. I wish lobotomy level to forget. I do not believe that we need to relive every lousy event in our lives to heal, nor do I believe it is healthy to dwell on those events for longer than it takes to work thru the particular item that needs worked thru. However, there are times that we need to visit a time or event to understand the aspects we need to. In future times, we may need to call upon this event again to work on a different aspect of the same event. Regardless, this is a painful process. I do wish that there was no pain, or at least not the level of pain that my heart is feeling right now. It is a wonder how we can survive these events. And I imagine it is far too much to ask that we remain unscathed thru them...
Oh how I wish I were done with the healing process. Oh how I pray my girls are ok when they decide to go thru it. That they have a huge support in the ones that they choose to yoke themselves too, and that they not only can but are encouraged to talk, cry, scream, and heal as they are accepted and loved thru them.
I felt like I would not make it thru today. I was alone in my own thoughts for most of it. I do not want to burden anyone. I do not think that anyone needs to go thru this with me. That is what a companion is for, to walk that walk with you. I do not have one ... obviously, although I am so grateful that I have none rather than the wrong one!! I did make it thru, I will continue to make it thru. I will never give up trying to look at the positive side, and at least attempting to be that one that tries to be positive in all situations as often as humanly possible.
Friday, January 19, 2018
Gastric Bypass/ "Pouch Diet"
https://www.obesitycoverage.
I spent 3 hours talking about the extreme option a gastric bypass is today, then about the post habits, how if you do not change your habits you end up the same way etc. there are a lot of doctors that have a patient do something similar to this story...details, before they will preform surgery on them. Basic premise is that if you cannot do this/control/change habits, you will not be successful for surgery. The weight will come back with a vengeance. I just asked, then why do they not share the "pouch diet" or whatever. After you are sick, or skip meals, your stomach "shrinks"
When you have surgery you compromise the integrity of the stomach and do damage if you do not relearn/change habits. If you can do this, you can lose weight, bottom line.
Anyway, I was very interested. So much willpower is involved in a healthier lifestyle. When I exercise it I lose. When I did great in 8 I lost. When I went dairy/sugar free I lost. Then I resort back to old habits...habits....habits. I was reading/learning and I thought I would share. I am not trying to sound like an infomercial lol. And it would be easier for me now that I am alone, than it would have been when I had a hubby/children to feed and that did not need the lifestyle changes I did. However, no one is hurt by eating healthier, exercising, and taking smaller portions and chewing more...I just do not know if I can have this much strength over it!!!
Monday, January 15, 2018
Thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts....
So many times I keep quiet because I feel I do not speak eloquently enough. I cannot express the "right" words. I do not intentionally offend anyone, although I have in my life. Some things do not sound offensive in my head but when I replay them I realize how awful or hurtful they might be/are to others. I am sorry.
I keep quiet about the spiritual side of my life because I do not want to offend anyone. I do not know how to put into words the feeling that I have about it. And, some do not want to hear. there are some, or many, that would even doubt how much it truly does mean to me.
I have been blessed with knowing that my Father in Heaven lives and watches out for me. I have never doubted His existence in my life, since I found out He was there. I can describe paths and feelings that to me are so clear, they ARE my neon sign that others are looking for. Through the heartache and trials I have been thru, starting with Tarah, He has walked me thru them all. I realize He must have been there before that, and I do not doubt it, I was just unaware.
I am more of a follower than a leader. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I feel that in this area that has been a good thing to a certain extent. I will go along with what is going on around me, to a point, and not set out on my own. However, I believe that although this has not made me the strongest missionary for my beliefs, it has also kept me from ever doubting Him either. I am not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. But I sit quietly and never doubt. I do not think that bad things happen to me because I believe or do not believe or because there is or isn't a God in heaven. I just know that there is and this is life.
I watch those that are so strong willed, intelligent, or those that need to know answers to find the way to the top - whether that be in business, life, spiritual matters etc. and they are often knocked down because they cannot figure it all out. There is not one concrete answer for them. There are several scenarios that fit.... and so they doubt. I am so grateful that I do not face that challenge. Because this knowledge that I have that He is watching me, that He knows who I am and what my struggles are, that I will one day be able to see Him brings me comfort.
I was privileged to be in the chapel for Mark Benson's missionary farewell talk, when his grandfather President Benson came in. We were in the first or second pew and so we did not see him, but I can swear on a stack of bibles in court that I felt the spirit the second he was in the room. I can only imagine how close they need to be in spirit to our Father in Heaven to be called upon to lead the saints, the world back to Heavenly Father. How they must study and pray and be close to Him. Wow. I doubt I will ever achieve such a status on this earth, but how amazing it must feel to have such a warm, comforting blanket around you at all times. He was very kind, held Ashley in his arms, talked to us, and yes, he was just a human, a man. But that man knows our Father in Heaven as he does his earthly father.
My girls have gone thru such struggles. I doubt I will ever be able to comprehend the struggles they have faced. I know I could never offer them the level of comfort and love that our Father in Heaven could. Although I wish I could. I wish I could offer up just one millionth of the acceptance I know He offers them. He understands in a way that I wish I could. I think my girls are amazing. I do not say that lightly. I do not say that as an off the cuff response that I should say. I have watched them be strong, be kind to others, be independent, be smart, be loving, be industrious, hard working, and there for each other and others, even when they did not particularly want to be.
It is incredible to me how these four individuals did not curl up and stay there after their ordeals. They did not stop with one ordeal, or a thousand, they keep trudging up that hill. they feel like they are not strong, or worthy, but I absolutely know differently. One day they will see and understand what I mean. Each one of them has amazed me time and again. Christina has lived at least 5 times that she had no right to, and I pray that what she was spared for will be fulfilled by her. The times she was spared were so unreal. The drowning of course, and the times with the vehicles...but the one that amazes me the most, the one that makes everyone gasp and say she should be scarred for life if not dead is the bullet. The bullet inside the bullet. No one lives to tell that story. What a strong individual, spirit, she is. What a task she must have to do!! Kimberly could have died when she was a baby. 90% chance of it, hit by a car....just small things! This brave woman was tasked with bringing a spirit to earth and giving him a body only to return him to our Father in Heaven before getting to know him. What strength. Both Ashley and Amanda faced trials after being in the home that would break lesser women...but they are up and going. What strong, incredible women I have had the privilege to know and love.
One thing I pray my girls know and pass along to those they influence....do not EVER allow anyone to say or do anything that will make you feel like less of a person than you are. Do not allow yourself to feel so bad about yourself, what you have or have not done, what you are or are not yet, to have someone be able to keep you down by how they degrade you. It is so much easier to believe someone who tells you that you are less than ... whatever. DO NOT LET ANYONE DO THAT!!!!!
You do not need anyone but you to succeed. You do not need anyone telling you anything other than you are the queen that you are. You do not need anyone in your life that does not believe you are an amazing individual. At all times, and in all places, the only things that should be said to you, are that you are a special, beautiful, human, daughter of our Heavenly Father, someone who has a heart as big as can be. You are someone with potential to be anything you want in this life. You are a great person. You are kind and thoughtful, charitable, and loving. You are all amazing women. Everyone is lucky to know you, and I am blessed to have been your earthly mother. Nothing less than making you feel that you can do, say, and be all that you desire is acceptable to anyone in your life.
I keep quiet about the spiritual side of my life because I do not want to offend anyone. I do not know how to put into words the feeling that I have about it. And, some do not want to hear. there are some, or many, that would even doubt how much it truly does mean to me.
I have been blessed with knowing that my Father in Heaven lives and watches out for me. I have never doubted His existence in my life, since I found out He was there. I can describe paths and feelings that to me are so clear, they ARE my neon sign that others are looking for. Through the heartache and trials I have been thru, starting with Tarah, He has walked me thru them all. I realize He must have been there before that, and I do not doubt it, I was just unaware.
I am more of a follower than a leader. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I feel that in this area that has been a good thing to a certain extent. I will go along with what is going on around me, to a point, and not set out on my own. However, I believe that although this has not made me the strongest missionary for my beliefs, it has also kept me from ever doubting Him either. I am not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. But I sit quietly and never doubt. I do not think that bad things happen to me because I believe or do not believe or because there is or isn't a God in heaven. I just know that there is and this is life.
I watch those that are so strong willed, intelligent, or those that need to know answers to find the way to the top - whether that be in business, life, spiritual matters etc. and they are often knocked down because they cannot figure it all out. There is not one concrete answer for them. There are several scenarios that fit.... and so they doubt. I am so grateful that I do not face that challenge. Because this knowledge that I have that He is watching me, that He knows who I am and what my struggles are, that I will one day be able to see Him brings me comfort.
I was privileged to be in the chapel for Mark Benson's missionary farewell talk, when his grandfather President Benson came in. We were in the first or second pew and so we did not see him, but I can swear on a stack of bibles in court that I felt the spirit the second he was in the room. I can only imagine how close they need to be in spirit to our Father in Heaven to be called upon to lead the saints, the world back to Heavenly Father. How they must study and pray and be close to Him. Wow. I doubt I will ever achieve such a status on this earth, but how amazing it must feel to have such a warm, comforting blanket around you at all times. He was very kind, held Ashley in his arms, talked to us, and yes, he was just a human, a man. But that man knows our Father in Heaven as he does his earthly father.
My girls have gone thru such struggles. I doubt I will ever be able to comprehend the struggles they have faced. I know I could never offer them the level of comfort and love that our Father in Heaven could. Although I wish I could. I wish I could offer up just one millionth of the acceptance I know He offers them. He understands in a way that I wish I could. I think my girls are amazing. I do not say that lightly. I do not say that as an off the cuff response that I should say. I have watched them be strong, be kind to others, be independent, be smart, be loving, be industrious, hard working, and there for each other and others, even when they did not particularly want to be.
It is incredible to me how these four individuals did not curl up and stay there after their ordeals. They did not stop with one ordeal, or a thousand, they keep trudging up that hill. they feel like they are not strong, or worthy, but I absolutely know differently. One day they will see and understand what I mean. Each one of them has amazed me time and again. Christina has lived at least 5 times that she had no right to, and I pray that what she was spared for will be fulfilled by her. The times she was spared were so unreal. The drowning of course, and the times with the vehicles...but the one that amazes me the most, the one that makes everyone gasp and say she should be scarred for life if not dead is the bullet. The bullet inside the bullet. No one lives to tell that story. What a strong individual, spirit, she is. What a task she must have to do!! Kimberly could have died when she was a baby. 90% chance of it, hit by a car....just small things! This brave woman was tasked with bringing a spirit to earth and giving him a body only to return him to our Father in Heaven before getting to know him. What strength. Both Ashley and Amanda faced trials after being in the home that would break lesser women...but they are up and going. What strong, incredible women I have had the privilege to know and love.
One thing I pray my girls know and pass along to those they influence....do not EVER allow anyone to say or do anything that will make you feel like less of a person than you are. Do not allow yourself to feel so bad about yourself, what you have or have not done, what you are or are not yet, to have someone be able to keep you down by how they degrade you. It is so much easier to believe someone who tells you that you are less than ... whatever. DO NOT LET ANYONE DO THAT!!!!!
You do not need anyone but you to succeed. You do not need anyone telling you anything other than you are the queen that you are. You do not need anyone in your life that does not believe you are an amazing individual. At all times, and in all places, the only things that should be said to you, are that you are a special, beautiful, human, daughter of our Heavenly Father, someone who has a heart as big as can be. You are someone with potential to be anything you want in this life. You are a great person. You are kind and thoughtful, charitable, and loving. You are all amazing women. Everyone is lucky to know you, and I am blessed to have been your earthly mother. Nothing less than making you feel that you can do, say, and be all that you desire is acceptable to anyone in your life.
Monday, January 1, 2018
Reflection - 24 ?s we should ask our parents, but I think these could apply elsewhere...just keeping up on our lists etc.
Important questions you should ask your parents:
1. What was your childhood like?
2. What were you like in high school?
3. How would your parents have described you?
4. When you think about a fork in the road in your life, what was it and why did you choose that particular path?
5.What happy memory will you cherish forever?
6. What was your second choice for my name?
7. What have you always wanted to tell me, but haven't had the courage to?
8. Growing up, who inspired you the most?
9. If you had to do it all over again, would you pursue the same career path?
10. What is your biggest regret?
11. Best trip of your life?
12. What amazes you most about society nowadays?
13. What do you miss most about the 'old days'?
14. Looking back at your life thus far, what are you most proud of?
If you don't ask, you will never know.
15. What did you discover in the last decade or two that you wish you discovered sooner?
16. Favourite place you have lived?
17. What were you doing when you were my age?
18. What advice would you give your 40-year-old self?
19. When did you know that you wanted to marry mom/dad?
20. What do you remember most about your wedding day?
21. What do you wish you made more time in your life for?
22. What do you wish you spent less time doing?
23. What family tradition do you cherish the most?
24. What have YOU always wanted to ask ME?
The reality is having loved ones in our lives is a blessing. While we have our loved ones with us, we shouldn't miss opportunities to talk to them, learn more about what makes them tick and how they came to be the people/parents that we know and love.
Don't regret what you didn't ask them or tell them.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring, so today, make it a priority to reach out and really talk to your parents.
If you don't ask, you will never know.
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