So many times I keep quiet because I feel I do not speak eloquently enough. I cannot express the "right" words. I do not intentionally offend anyone, although I have in my life. Some things do not sound offensive in my head but when I replay them I realize how awful or hurtful they might be/are to others. I am sorry.
I keep quiet about the spiritual side of my life because I do not want to offend anyone. I do not know how to put into words the feeling that I have about it. And, some do not want to hear. there are some, or many, that would even doubt how much it truly does mean to me.
I have been blessed with knowing that my Father in Heaven lives and watches out for me. I have never doubted His existence in my life, since I found out He was there. I can describe paths and feelings that to me are so clear, they ARE my neon sign that others are looking for. Through the heartache and trials I have been thru, starting with Tarah, He has walked me thru them all. I realize He must have been there before that, and I do not doubt it, I was just unaware.
I am more of a follower than a leader. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I feel that in this area that has been a good thing to a certain extent. I will go along with what is going on around me, to a point, and not set out on my own. However, I believe that although this has not made me the strongest missionary for my beliefs, it has also kept me from ever doubting Him either. I am not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. But I sit quietly and never doubt. I do not think that bad things happen to me because I believe or do not believe or because there is or isn't a God in heaven. I just know that there is and this is life.
I watch those that are so strong willed, intelligent, or those that need to know answers to find the way to the top - whether that be in business, life, spiritual matters etc. and they are often knocked down because they cannot figure it all out. There is not one concrete answer for them. There are several scenarios that fit.... and so they doubt. I am so grateful that I do not face that challenge. Because this knowledge that I have that He is watching me, that He knows who I am and what my struggles are, that I will one day be able to see Him brings me comfort.
I was privileged to be in the chapel for Mark Benson's missionary farewell talk, when his grandfather President Benson came in. We were in the first or second pew and so we did not see him, but I can swear on a stack of bibles in court that I felt the spirit the second he was in the room. I can only imagine how close they need to be in spirit to our Father in Heaven to be called upon to lead the saints, the world back to Heavenly Father. How they must study and pray and be close to Him. Wow. I doubt I will ever achieve such a status on this earth, but how amazing it must feel to have such a warm, comforting blanket around you at all times. He was very kind, held Ashley in his arms, talked to us, and yes, he was just a human, a man. But that man knows our Father in Heaven as he does his earthly father.
My girls have gone thru such struggles. I doubt I will ever be able to comprehend the struggles they have faced. I know I could never offer them the level of comfort and love that our Father in Heaven could. Although I wish I could. I wish I could offer up just one millionth of the acceptance I know He offers them. He understands in a way that I wish I could. I think my girls are amazing. I do not say that lightly. I do not say that as an off the cuff response that I should say. I have watched them be strong, be kind to others, be independent, be smart, be loving, be industrious, hard working, and there for each other and others, even when they did not particularly want to be.
It is incredible to me how these four individuals did not curl up and stay there after their ordeals. They did not stop with one ordeal, or a thousand, they keep trudging up that hill. they feel like they are not strong, or worthy, but I absolutely know differently. One day they will see and understand what I mean. Each one of them has amazed me time and again. Christina has lived at least 5 times that she had no right to, and I pray that what she was spared for will be fulfilled by her. The times she was spared were so unreal. The drowning of course, and the times with the vehicles...but the one that amazes me the most, the one that makes everyone gasp and say she should be scarred for life if not dead is the bullet. The bullet inside the bullet. No one lives to tell that story. What a strong individual, spirit, she is. What a task she must have to do!! Kimberly could have died when she was a baby. 90% chance of it, hit by a car....just small things! This brave woman was tasked with bringing a spirit to earth and giving him a body only to return him to our Father in Heaven before getting to know him. What strength. Both Ashley and Amanda faced trials after being in the home that would break lesser women...but they are up and going. What strong, incredible women I have had the privilege to know and love.
One thing I pray my girls know and pass along to those they influence....do not EVER allow anyone to say or do anything that will make you feel like less of a person than you are. Do not allow yourself to feel so bad about yourself, what you have or have not done, what you are or are not yet, to have someone be able to keep you down by how they degrade you. It is so much easier to believe someone who tells you that you are less than ... whatever. DO NOT LET ANYONE DO THAT!!!!!
You do not need anyone but you to succeed. You do not need anyone telling you anything other than you are the queen that you are. You do not need anyone in your life that does not believe you are an amazing individual. At all times, and in all places, the only things that should be said to you, are that you are a special, beautiful, human, daughter of our Heavenly Father, someone who has a heart as big as can be. You are someone with potential to be anything you want in this life. You are a great person. You are kind and thoughtful, charitable, and loving. You are all amazing women. Everyone is lucky to know you, and I am blessed to have been your earthly mother. Nothing less than making you feel that you can do, say, and be all that you desire is acceptable to anyone in your life.
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