Pain and healing go hand in hand at times

I know that the time of my death that no one will say, she was always so happy. I do strive to be a person that they can say, she tried to be positive, if not "always" at least, "most of the time". I do pray that I do not fail as often as I fear I do fail.

I pray that I do not diminish mine or anyone else's pain - it is not a big deal, it is pinky pain, it is not important...for there are things that may not be important to someone else, but they are important to me or vice versa. Again...I pray that I do not fail in this as often as I fear I have.

I do hope that with that I can always remember that my pain is real. That is may not seem so to others, but if I feel it, it is real. That goes with everyone else also...I should not, my daughters should not, nor others should not...feel that they should not grieve or struggle because others have gone thru far worse, or .... etc. apples and oranges. I imagine that even those that appear to have never had a bad day or a struggle in life, have had just that, just as we all have had.

In trying to fix my life, I have had to regurgitate several events that I wish never to remember. I wish lobotomy level to forget. I do not believe that we need to relive every lousy event in our lives to heal, nor do I believe it is healthy to dwell on those events for longer than it takes to work thru the particular item that needs worked thru. However, there are times that we need to visit a time or event to understand the aspects we need to. In future times, we may need to call upon this event again to work on a different aspect of the same event. Regardless, this is a painful process. I do wish that there was no pain, or at least not the level of pain that my heart is feeling right now. It is a wonder how we can survive these events. And I imagine it is far too much to ask that we remain unscathed thru them...

Oh how I wish I were done with the healing process. Oh how I pray my girls are ok when they decide to go thru it. That they have a huge support in the ones that they choose to yoke themselves too, and that they not only can but are encouraged to talk, cry, scream, and heal as they are accepted and loved thru them.

I felt like I would not make it thru today. I was alone in my own thoughts for most of it. I do not want to burden anyone. I do not think that anyone needs to go thru this with me. That is what a companion is for, to walk that walk with you. I do not have one ... obviously, although I am so grateful that I have none rather than the wrong one!! I did make it thru, I will continue to make it thru. I will never give up trying to look at the positive side, and at least attempting to be that one that tries to be positive in all situations as often as humanly possible.