Vulnerable

I am not a victim. I am not a survivor...yet. I have survived so far. I am still vulnerable, still jump at my own shadow, still feel so scared, nervous, and alone. I do not want to feel like this. I do not want to be the person that fears walking downstairs here because there are window panes next to the front door and someone may see me. I am staying awake at night and sleeping during the daylight hours because there is a smaller chance that anyone would risk coming thru the door in the light of day. I had plans to do a lot of cleaning and organizing while they were gone as I feel like it will be my last big push for them before I leave here. But I am nervous, scared. I have an appt. tomorrow and I do not want to go because the house will be empty and vulnerable while I am gone and I cannot search every corner because that would freak me out. I have work to do in my room, at my desk, but I cannot because my back would be to the door aka everything. I am scared, and will be for 8 more days....

I really do not want to feel like this. What makes it worse is that I do not want to return to Kimberly's house because I do not want to bring this to their door. So what is the alternative?? Do I stay here? No, because they leave all of the time and this house is too big to be alone in for a week to 3 weeks at a time. I could do a couple of days to a week at Kimberly's because no one could see me go to the front door. If they are in the backyard, the intention has already been announced. As no one would have invited me into the back yard...

OK...I do not know what to do about this, oh that sounds familiar. I doubt very seriously that I will ever figure it out. I would like to fake it so that I am not a bother to anyone. What a head case!!