Journal Pages and Such Things...

Thru the years I have tried to keep a journal. There were times that I wrote and wrote and wrote, seemingly without stopping, and others when I wrote nothing at all.

I would read back over some of the entries and there were times that I would rip the pages out and burn them because I did not want anyone else to see what was there. Could have been something that happened to me that I did not want anyone to know, or be sad about. Could have been a thought or action that was not kind. Regardless of what it was, I would destroy it.

Years later, when life really got challenging in many ways I was upset I had destroyed those pages. I would think, if those pages could have helped even one person...

However, as I have worked my way thru a few items lately, I have come to realize that those pages probably should have been destroyed. Maybe not when I did it, but now, for sure.

Here is the reason, those items no longer apply. The content of those pages cannot help anyone. They only serve as the part of the trial that should be left behind. Not in forgetting, not in burying, but in healing.

Anyone I can help by saying, "you are not alone" I will help. If I can let someone know that you can not only make it thru, but make it thru with more strength than you thought you could possibly possess, I will absolutely say that. A month ago, I still did not feel like I possessed any strength. I was wrong.

Those pages of past journals are no longer needed. I no longer need to remember details of those times. I am sure I still have a lot of those pages left lying around, and when I find them, I can work thru them if I have not, and I can talk/write new ones talking about triumphing over those as well.

The pages that will be important forever, are the ones that talk about how I gained that strength. Those that stood by me. The ones that cared. The love that my kids always showed me, even when I did not feel worthy of it.

The pages that will be most important are the ones that express my feelings about how I am today. How I know beyond a doubt that I can conquer anything I set my mind to. How if I want it, I can have it by working hard for it. By never giving up. By never giving in.

My girls are more kind and compassionate than I have been. They have their moments, their strengths, their weaknesses. I watch them work on them, work thru them, at a rate that astounds me. Some quicker than others. Some more thoroughly than others. Each at their own pace/each item a different matter. Each needing worked thru. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that they have fought to be the kind of individuals that choose to pass on caring/compassion/kindness.

My grand kids learned from them. They are growing up at a time when it will become more important than ever to rely on others/each other. When being kind to EVERYONE may save their lives one day. I have watched the grand kids I have be kind to everyone. I have watched them work to help the underdog, to include the one no one else chose to. That may save their lives one day. One thing I know for sure, they will not have regrets over being kind. They may have regrets for being unkind. I would hope that if they ever choose to be unkind, that they would regret that.

I do not feel that I have been particularly unkind to many. I unfortunately, have been unkind to some. I carry those with me. Some I tried to fix/rectify thru the years. Some I did not/could not. However, I do carry the shame of those incidents with me. I do not allow it to bury me because I was human and I messed up. I do carry it with me so that I remember to be Christlike to everyone, not just those I prefer. Everyone is someones daughter, son, mother, father etc. I wish I could say I had never said an unkind word. But I am sure grateful that I can work each day going forward, trying not to add to my mistakes. I am grateful that my kindness does not have to mean I take guff from anyone. I am grateful that my kindness helps me feel better about myself, the impression I left, and the way I feel at night when I talk to my Father in Heaven and then close my eyes. I am grateful for every morning I get to wake up, and remember that today, I want to be kind to everyone I see, even if it is just a smile. We just never know what they are going thru.

I am grateful that I can have those moments to write about!! I am so very grateful that my amazing girls are individuals that think it is important to be respectful to others and that they are passing that along.

Funny email I received...if you forward, no one reads!!

An Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.  The term is often applied to philosophical, moral and literary principles.

Some examples: Some hit too close to home!!

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. ♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.  Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. ♦Relationships are a lot like algebra.  Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? ♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body. ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that. ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night. ♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye. ♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see. ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?" ♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." ♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us,"  If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!  ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. ♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.    ♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?

Reiterating a thought...Therapy is hard

So I am sure I have mentioned this once or thirty times...therapy is HARD! It is kicking my trash on many levels, in many ways, layer by layer. It is easy for me to dwell on. HA, I guess this is easier since I see a counselor face to face once a week, have a therapy phone session once a week, see a behavioral therapist every 4-6 weeks and have a psychiatrist in my back pocket for pills that I have to see every 8-12 weeks. Therapy is a full time job for me right now. And, given that I have needed it my whole life and just barely started...this is probably ALMOST enough lol.

What I do not say often enough, is that I am kicking therapy's trash HARD!! I can say that I have had a hard time making decisions (today's topic) - and so many other things - that is easy. What is not easy, but is getting easier, is that I CAN make decisions, good ones. Yes, it is true, in the past with not quite as much knowledge, experience, and confidence I have made some less than stellar choices. However, I do have more knowledge, experience, and maturity with me, and I am capable of making good decisions. I have more work to do on the following up with confidence and faith in those choices, but choosing comes a lot easier now, decisions are made faster now.

As I acknowledge it, making the decision to come to TX, came quickly (not easily). However, the time and trouble came with me doubting that decision. The lack of faith I had in the fact that it could possibly be the right decision. Anyway, just one example.

It is really nice to start to put together some of the puzzle pieces though. It really is. I can do this!!

So much sadness

Every generation has drills in school. Fire drills, bombing drills in war, earthquake drills, etc. However, when Kimberly told me that Destiny was doing active shooter drills I just cried. That is more tragic than any drill I could imagine for them. I wanted my kids to be in a bubble when they were growing up. That did not work, but the thought was there. However, for my grand kids...of my goodness. You do not want them to be scared. You want them to walk home without fear and without incident.

There have been so many shootings in recent years it makes me physically ill. When Columbine happened I could not fathom it, it made no sense. The girl in CA that had Bob Geldoff singing, I don't like Mondays just broke a bit more of us. Each school shooting is specifically horrific, to me anyway. Babies, and babies are doing the shooting. How screwed up are we??? So extremely sad. So heartbreaking to me. This is why I do not watch/listen the news...

When a vacation is over

Going on a vacation is an exciting thing. The planning and anticipation can be just as or more exciting than the actual adventure. However, no matter how amazing it is, there is no place like home. Once you have been gone for a length of time you think...my bed, my chair, my stuff...even your regular routine can be missed. When a vacation is over, it is over, at least for me. I want to be home NOW...not in 2 days or however long it may take to get there.

When I left Utah it was one of the hardest decisions, and actions I have ever had to carry out. Driving away from all that I loved and cared about nearly broke me. I found every reason in the world to stay, and only one to leave, I felt I had to. No matter how many times I worked it out to stay, figured out the kinks....it was very clear I needed to come to Texas.

It was such a great opportunity for me. I finished school. I had my eye tended to by an amazing, highly sought after retina surgeon working on research projects with my issues. I was able to relax and start to focus on my own mental health (something I desperately needed). I was able to gain some perspective about my adult children and my enabling behaviors, and unrealistic desires based on their upbringing. I settled down enough to get back to the temple, something that was very important to me. I got to know Mike again. I got to see how a man could actually make you want to be married. No, I do not want to marry Mike, but he really helped me to see that there are other types of marriages in the world. Someone can be kind, thoughtful, giving, and hard working. I needed to see that.

I even felt like Utah was not home any more when I went to visit. I remember being by the Jr. High and thought, it is time to go home, and not around the corner. I was saddened by that realization. It made me feel like I would never be back in Utah for any amount of time. I no longer feel that way. However, I am sure I needed to feel it at the time or I never would have driven back here lol!!

I am not sure what my future holds now that both of my eyes are affected by this nonsense. I will know the extent of my "good eye" when I return in a couple of weeks. I know my left eye has 3 separate issues with it. Not sure if my right just has the one or not. I do know that the treatment I am receiving here is top notch. The research programs have truly saved my bacon money wise. I could not have afforded, or asked of Michael, the cost of the treatment I have received. If, when I return my eyes do not qualify for a research program, I can look at what my next move will be. If I do qualify, I will be here for at least 6 more months. I am ready to leave now, so this is upsetting.

When Mike and Eva were on the cruise they just returned from, I really wanted to finish up the project I was on so that I could just drive away. I was ready. I accomplished a lot more in the last couple of days than I did the whole week, so then I felt like I could. When they returned I was less anxious, so I was able to settle down and look at more things I could do to help.

I have talked to Eva a couple of times since returning from my journeys on New Years. She said they were in a position that they could handle it if I left. She did not want me to. She is hoping I give them one more year. However, she used to tell everyone that asked that she would need me for a long time to come, and even talked about me working at Exxon for 15 years so I could draw a salary, so her toning it down to a year is huge!

I would love to help mom and dad. I would love to be there for them. But I do not think I could be there full time. I would think that being there for a few months of the year would be good though. Especially in the winter months when they need more help, and I would feel like I really helped. That might satisfy my desire in that arena. The problem is still, forever the same, I cannot be in multiple places at once. I now have kids/a grand kid...in another place. I cannot afford to purchase a house in all areas and as I get older it will be more impractical for me to drive to and from 3 states to see everyone. My eye had improved so much that I had really gone back to relying on it again for driving. Now I need to be realistic, again...   So, I will need to settle in a spot and call it good I suppose. I have a place at Kimberly's. There is room and she is doing well financially so I would not be required to come up with half, per her. I would not want to pay nothing, but I could maybe do a third instead. Anyway...that is knit picky/details.

I was surprised at the strength of emotion when I thought about just driving away when they were gone. I had filled my car with books when I came back so I could clean out a bit from room in Utah, and then realized I had more than I thought here. So my plan was to pack up some books, clothes I do not use etc. so that I could ship them home. The thought being that it would be cheaper to do that than rent a truck to haul it all back. I have not done that yet. The urge to leave has been really strong twice now, and I am afraid if I have my stuff in order I will do just that without thinking it thru! So, here I sit, thinking it thru!

I will keep you posted!

Giving In...Or Not

Here are some random thoughts. Brandy Terry used to make fun of me when I would feel/look/sound like I was getting sick and she would offer sympathy and I would say I am NOT going to get sick. I would act like I was not sick. I would do all that I could to fight that sickness. Never just surrender. For some reason it was important to me.

I gave in when I came to Texas. Aside from the fact that Texas was really good for me for a break, to finish school, to gain some perspective, to allow myself to let my kids start living their own lives more than I was...I gave in on me. I was in an atmosphere that was like Kimberly describes the first couple of years for Amanda with me. An atmosphere that she could be a kid. That she did not have to worry about all of the grown up things that you all had to deal with your whole lives. I am an enabler, and she did not fight for herself to not be in that cocoon so it was not healthy, but I was trying to allow her to heal, time to be a kid, help one of my kids...just did not turn out.

So, back to this topic. I watch Eva give in to it. I am NOT in her body, I do NOT have her illness so I am not critiquing her  choices...just making an observation. Dad Larry gave in. Each time a challenge came his way he used his .... cannot find the right word ... creativeness?? to figure out a way to make it easier. One example would be the rope he used to get out of bed, or out of the chair. He would find a way. Even in his last few days he was able to, he and I had a hard time getting him up from bed, so he said let me think about it...and sure enough he had me tie a rope in a certain place so he could help lift his upper body for me. He solved it by adjusting. That is incredible on one level but I am thinking of another.

When dad Larry and Eva can not lift their legs or bend over they use devices designed to help. Please understand I am not saying there is anything wrong with this. Some just simply need the help. But...here is what I have witnessed, my mom says, I have trouble getting my right leg up to put my sock on, or bending over so I need to do the exercises the doctor recommended for me...and within a short time she can bend over and lift her leg. I thought my mom was amazing, she runs circles around me. Still goes to the pool several times a week so that she is not in a wheelchair, or even using a walker. Barely needs a cane. She does not submit, she fights. Anyone who knows my mother and her lack of ability to speak up for herself, this is phenomenal. I did not think much about this until my body started to catch up to its age in the last couple of years.

Warning: This section is probably TMI but a good example of seeing it in myself. Eva has leakage, trouble with bladder control, she purchased pads. It worsened she wears diapers. Again, NOT the same thing as hers may be from medicines etc. But mom has 4 kids not 2, and everyone knows that with each child your bladder is a little lower and a little weaker. So by those facts, moms should be twice as weak. Mom does not even wear pads and she is 24 years older than Eva. I had a bladder sling put in about 18 years ago, and it is wearing out. I starting leaking if I waited too long. I gave in and wore a pad, for a day or two... then I said no. I paid attention and went to the restroom before I had to go so bad I could not make it. I started exercising muscles to say no. I said no and when I do what is needed I do not need helpers.

I do not know what happened to the person who said, I am not getting sick, and ended up sick for the whole month of January, but I need to remember the examples of those around me that fight it. It is inevitable that our bodies age and wear out. However, we do not need to just lay down and submit to it.  I do need to get back there though. Allowing myself time to heal mentally here does not mean I need to forget all that I did to fight physically even when I was out of shape.