Giving In...Or Not

Here are some random thoughts. Brandy Terry used to make fun of me when I would feel/look/sound like I was getting sick and she would offer sympathy and I would say I am NOT going to get sick. I would act like I was not sick. I would do all that I could to fight that sickness. Never just surrender. For some reason it was important to me.

I gave in when I came to Texas. Aside from the fact that Texas was really good for me for a break, to finish school, to gain some perspective, to allow myself to let my kids start living their own lives more than I was...I gave in on me. I was in an atmosphere that was like Kimberly describes the first couple of years for Amanda with me. An atmosphere that she could be a kid. That she did not have to worry about all of the grown up things that you all had to deal with your whole lives. I am an enabler, and she did not fight for herself to not be in that cocoon so it was not healthy, but I was trying to allow her to heal, time to be a kid, help one of my kids...just did not turn out.

So, back to this topic. I watch Eva give in to it. I am NOT in her body, I do NOT have her illness so I am not critiquing her  choices...just making an observation. Dad Larry gave in. Each time a challenge came his way he used his .... cannot find the right word ... creativeness?? to figure out a way to make it easier. One example would be the rope he used to get out of bed, or out of the chair. He would find a way. Even in his last few days he was able to, he and I had a hard time getting him up from bed, so he said let me think about it...and sure enough he had me tie a rope in a certain place so he could help lift his upper body for me. He solved it by adjusting. That is incredible on one level but I am thinking of another.

When dad Larry and Eva can not lift their legs or bend over they use devices designed to help. Please understand I am not saying there is anything wrong with this. Some just simply need the help. But...here is what I have witnessed, my mom says, I have trouble getting my right leg up to put my sock on, or bending over so I need to do the exercises the doctor recommended for me...and within a short time she can bend over and lift her leg. I thought my mom was amazing, she runs circles around me. Still goes to the pool several times a week so that she is not in a wheelchair, or even using a walker. Barely needs a cane. She does not submit, she fights. Anyone who knows my mother and her lack of ability to speak up for herself, this is phenomenal. I did not think much about this until my body started to catch up to its age in the last couple of years.

Warning: This section is probably TMI but a good example of seeing it in myself. Eva has leakage, trouble with bladder control, she purchased pads. It worsened she wears diapers. Again, NOT the same thing as hers may be from medicines etc. But mom has 4 kids not 2, and everyone knows that with each child your bladder is a little lower and a little weaker. So by those facts, moms should be twice as weak. Mom does not even wear pads and she is 24 years older than Eva. I had a bladder sling put in about 18 years ago, and it is wearing out. I starting leaking if I waited too long. I gave in and wore a pad, for a day or two... then I said no. I paid attention and went to the restroom before I had to go so bad I could not make it. I started exercising muscles to say no. I said no and when I do what is needed I do not need helpers.

I do not know what happened to the person who said, I am not getting sick, and ended up sick for the whole month of January, but I need to remember the examples of those around me that fight it. It is inevitable that our bodies age and wear out. However, we do not need to just lay down and submit to it.  I do need to get back there though. Allowing myself time to heal mentally here does not mean I need to forget all that I did to fight physically even when I was out of shape.