When a vacation is over

Going on a vacation is an exciting thing. The planning and anticipation can be just as or more exciting than the actual adventure. However, no matter how amazing it is, there is no place like home. Once you have been gone for a length of time you think...my bed, my chair, my stuff...even your regular routine can be missed. When a vacation is over, it is over, at least for me. I want to be home NOW...not in 2 days or however long it may take to get there.

When I left Utah it was one of the hardest decisions, and actions I have ever had to carry out. Driving away from all that I loved and cared about nearly broke me. I found every reason in the world to stay, and only one to leave, I felt I had to. No matter how many times I worked it out to stay, figured out the kinks....it was very clear I needed to come to Texas.

It was such a great opportunity for me. I finished school. I had my eye tended to by an amazing, highly sought after retina surgeon working on research projects with my issues. I was able to relax and start to focus on my own mental health (something I desperately needed). I was able to gain some perspective about my adult children and my enabling behaviors, and unrealistic desires based on their upbringing. I settled down enough to get back to the temple, something that was very important to me. I got to know Mike again. I got to see how a man could actually make you want to be married. No, I do not want to marry Mike, but he really helped me to see that there are other types of marriages in the world. Someone can be kind, thoughtful, giving, and hard working. I needed to see that.

I even felt like Utah was not home any more when I went to visit. I remember being by the Jr. High and thought, it is time to go home, and not around the corner. I was saddened by that realization. It made me feel like I would never be back in Utah for any amount of time. I no longer feel that way. However, I am sure I needed to feel it at the time or I never would have driven back here lol!!

I am not sure what my future holds now that both of my eyes are affected by this nonsense. I will know the extent of my "good eye" when I return in a couple of weeks. I know my left eye has 3 separate issues with it. Not sure if my right just has the one or not. I do know that the treatment I am receiving here is top notch. The research programs have truly saved my bacon money wise. I could not have afforded, or asked of Michael, the cost of the treatment I have received. If, when I return my eyes do not qualify for a research program, I can look at what my next move will be. If I do qualify, I will be here for at least 6 more months. I am ready to leave now, so this is upsetting.

When Mike and Eva were on the cruise they just returned from, I really wanted to finish up the project I was on so that I could just drive away. I was ready. I accomplished a lot more in the last couple of days than I did the whole week, so then I felt like I could. When they returned I was less anxious, so I was able to settle down and look at more things I could do to help.

I have talked to Eva a couple of times since returning from my journeys on New Years. She said they were in a position that they could handle it if I left. She did not want me to. She is hoping I give them one more year. However, she used to tell everyone that asked that she would need me for a long time to come, and even talked about me working at Exxon for 15 years so I could draw a salary, so her toning it down to a year is huge!

I would love to help mom and dad. I would love to be there for them. But I do not think I could be there full time. I would think that being there for a few months of the year would be good though. Especially in the winter months when they need more help, and I would feel like I really helped. That might satisfy my desire in that arena. The problem is still, forever the same, I cannot be in multiple places at once. I now have kids/a grand kid...in another place. I cannot afford to purchase a house in all areas and as I get older it will be more impractical for me to drive to and from 3 states to see everyone. My eye had improved so much that I had really gone back to relying on it again for driving. Now I need to be realistic, again...   So, I will need to settle in a spot and call it good I suppose. I have a place at Kimberly's. There is room and she is doing well financially so I would not be required to come up with half, per her. I would not want to pay nothing, but I could maybe do a third instead. Anyway...that is knit picky/details.

I was surprised at the strength of emotion when I thought about just driving away when they were gone. I had filled my car with books when I came back so I could clean out a bit from room in Utah, and then realized I had more than I thought here. So my plan was to pack up some books, clothes I do not use etc. so that I could ship them home. The thought being that it would be cheaper to do that than rent a truck to haul it all back. I have not done that yet. The urge to leave has been really strong twice now, and I am afraid if I have my stuff in order I will do just that without thinking it thru! So, here I sit, thinking it thru!

I will keep you posted!