Thru the years I have tried to keep a journal. There were times that I wrote and wrote and wrote, seemingly without stopping, and others when I wrote nothing at all.
I would read back over some of the entries and there were times that I would rip the pages out and burn them because I did not want anyone else to see what was there. Could have been something that happened to me that I did not want anyone to know, or be sad about. Could have been a thought or action that was not kind. Regardless of what it was, I would destroy it.
Years later, when life really got challenging in many ways I was upset I had destroyed those pages. I would think, if those pages could have helped even one person...
However, as I have worked my way thru a few items lately, I have come to realize that those pages probably should have been destroyed. Maybe not when I did it, but now, for sure.
Here is the reason, those items no longer apply. The content of those pages cannot help anyone. They only serve as the part of the trial that should be left behind. Not in forgetting, not in burying, but in healing.
Anyone I can help by saying, "you are not alone" I will help. If I can let someone know that you can not only make it thru, but make it thru with more strength than you thought you could possibly possess, I will absolutely say that. A month ago, I still did not feel like I possessed any strength. I was wrong.
Those pages of past journals are no longer needed. I no longer need to remember details of those times. I am sure I still have a lot of those pages left lying around, and when I find them, I can work thru them if I have not, and I can talk/write new ones talking about triumphing over those as well.
The pages that will be important forever, are the ones that talk about how I gained that strength. Those that stood by me. The ones that cared. The love that my kids always showed me, even when I did not feel worthy of it.
The pages that will be most important are the ones that express my feelings about how I am today. How I know beyond a doubt that I can conquer anything I set my mind to. How if I want it, I can have it by working hard for it. By never giving up. By never giving in.
My girls are more kind and compassionate than I have been. They have their moments, their strengths, their weaknesses. I watch them work on them, work thru them, at a rate that astounds me. Some quicker than others. Some more thoroughly than others. Each at their own pace/each item a different matter. Each needing worked thru. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that they have fought to be the kind of individuals that choose to pass on caring/compassion/kindness.
My grand kids learned from them. They are growing up at a time when it will become more important than ever to rely on others/each other. When being kind to EVERYONE may save their lives one day. I have watched the grand kids I have be kind to everyone. I have watched them work to help the underdog, to include the one no one else chose to. That may save their lives one day. One thing I know for sure, they will not have regrets over being kind. They may have regrets for being unkind. I would hope that if they ever choose to be unkind, that they would regret that.
I do not feel that I have been particularly unkind to many. I unfortunately, have been unkind to some. I carry those with me. Some I tried to fix/rectify thru the years. Some I did not/could not. However, I do carry the shame of those incidents with me. I do not allow it to bury me because I was human and I messed up. I do carry it with me so that I remember to be Christlike to everyone, not just those I prefer. Everyone is someones daughter, son, mother, father etc. I wish I could say I had never said an unkind word. But I am sure grateful that I can work each day going forward, trying not to add to my mistakes. I am grateful that my kindness does not have to mean I take guff from anyone. I am grateful that my kindness helps me feel better about myself, the impression I left, and the way I feel at night when I talk to my Father in Heaven and then close my eyes. I am grateful for every morning I get to wake up, and remember that today, I want to be kind to everyone I see, even if it is just a smile. We just never know what they are going thru.
I am grateful that I can have those moments to write about!! I am so very grateful that my amazing girls are individuals that think it is important to be respectful to others and that they are passing that along.
Love you mom.
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