There are several things that really make me happy and peaceful. I love showers, I love trees, I love music, I love open windows. Texas and I could never be best friends because all but a few days or maybe a week of the year I have to keep the windows closed. Most of the time it is stifling hot weather, however, the humidity is just too high. When you open the door in the morning...5:45 am, it is like walking into a sauna. The heat and moisture just hit you. NOW, I will say that I have cut WAY back on the lotion which is great. But...not for me.
The humidity went down to 48% today so I opened the window and it was instant. I started cleaning my room, felt less tense...I would never have imagined it, but it was.
I have no idea where I will be going after this, no idea what I will be doing, but I will fight to have it be a place that I can open my windows.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Monday, February 20, 2017
A Thought, for My Thoughts
I was listening to music in the shower and the Fray came on, You Found Me.
There is no doubt that we live in a fast paced world. The longer I live the faster things go, life itself, games, shows, cars etc (think of older person rant) Tons of things have been made easier. I would not have made it as a pioneer woman. I am not strong enough stock. I am grateful for indoor plumbing, washing machines, fridge, central air and the list goes on. However, there are some that will never know a slower pace of life and that is too bad. We have done a ton of good but lost a lot in the process. Not a lot of family dinners around the fire, working side by side, talking, singing, and laughing together in the world as a whole. I am so grateful that my girls love these things, and are teaching their babes to work hard and earn what you want, and to enjoy life to the fullest. So as I am thinking about all of these things, and this song comes on I think to myself, why do we not listen to the teachings of Christ? Why do we ignore the old and new testament which says over and over, I am ALWAYS here. I am always near. I am ready and waiting. All you need to do is commit, ask and it shall be given, knock and it shall be opened. I love the picture of Him at the door, no doorknob. He would love to bless our lives but we do not invite Him in. We say we try, we say we prayed, we say we gave it a whirl, but it just did not happen in the way that I thought it should, did not bowl me over again and again and again until I absolutely could not ignore it. I think of all of the ways that we have evidence in our lives that their is a supreme being, and we ignore it, discount it, destroy it. We shout out to the universe about wanting to be heard, we want to be smacked in the head with a neon sign saying I am listening. Nothing comes without serious hard work. I am just now realizing that I have never put in that work, not full time. I have had bouts of hard work and a whole lot of lazy. A whole lot of yacking and not enough listening, pondering, praying. Whether or not I believe in Heavenly Father, I am not sitting quietly enough, reverently enough, surrounding myself with 100% good. I am not allowing myself to feel what I am begging to feel. I watch my kids work hard in their lives to accomplish their goals. I have worked hard physically in my life, I am working hard mentally now, in school and counseling, but I have never devoted myself to God in that way. Never opened my eyes and thought of Him before I thought of the day ahead of me or how I feel. Never excited to read more about His journey and to research His life as eagerly as I read Twilight or any mystery. The stories that will do nothing but entertain me I cannot get enough of. The story that will save my life, give me an opportunity to live again, that...well that is hard to get thru. I do not have the right to expect a paycheck without working, a life without living, to lose weight without exercising and eating wisely, how can I expect to be heard and hear and feel and more compassionate and loving towards others if I am not willing to learn more about how. Just my thoughts.
There is no doubt that we live in a fast paced world. The longer I live the faster things go, life itself, games, shows, cars etc (think of older person rant) Tons of things have been made easier. I would not have made it as a pioneer woman. I am not strong enough stock. I am grateful for indoor plumbing, washing machines, fridge, central air and the list goes on. However, there are some that will never know a slower pace of life and that is too bad. We have done a ton of good but lost a lot in the process. Not a lot of family dinners around the fire, working side by side, talking, singing, and laughing together in the world as a whole. I am so grateful that my girls love these things, and are teaching their babes to work hard and earn what you want, and to enjoy life to the fullest. So as I am thinking about all of these things, and this song comes on I think to myself, why do we not listen to the teachings of Christ? Why do we ignore the old and new testament which says over and over, I am ALWAYS here. I am always near. I am ready and waiting. All you need to do is commit, ask and it shall be given, knock and it shall be opened. I love the picture of Him at the door, no doorknob. He would love to bless our lives but we do not invite Him in. We say we try, we say we prayed, we say we gave it a whirl, but it just did not happen in the way that I thought it should, did not bowl me over again and again and again until I absolutely could not ignore it. I think of all of the ways that we have evidence in our lives that their is a supreme being, and we ignore it, discount it, destroy it. We shout out to the universe about wanting to be heard, we want to be smacked in the head with a neon sign saying I am listening. Nothing comes without serious hard work. I am just now realizing that I have never put in that work, not full time. I have had bouts of hard work and a whole lot of lazy. A whole lot of yacking and not enough listening, pondering, praying. Whether or not I believe in Heavenly Father, I am not sitting quietly enough, reverently enough, surrounding myself with 100% good. I am not allowing myself to feel what I am begging to feel. I watch my kids work hard in their lives to accomplish their goals. I have worked hard physically in my life, I am working hard mentally now, in school and counseling, but I have never devoted myself to God in that way. Never opened my eyes and thought of Him before I thought of the day ahead of me or how I feel. Never excited to read more about His journey and to research His life as eagerly as I read Twilight or any mystery. The stories that will do nothing but entertain me I cannot get enough of. The story that will save my life, give me an opportunity to live again, that...well that is hard to get thru. I do not have the right to expect a paycheck without working, a life without living, to lose weight without exercising and eating wisely, how can I expect to be heard and hear and feel and more compassionate and loving towards others if I am not willing to learn more about how. Just my thoughts.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!!
I bet you thought this was going to be about something I need to make a decision about...
Got ya!!
This is about the fact that I cannot make a decision. This is not a surprise to anyone that knows me.
People ask me where I want to go eat or what I want to eat and I dislike this question immensely because I say I do not know, or do not care and that is frustrating for them. However, I truly could care less what I eat or if I eat most of the time. If I am hungry or craving something I will let you know, otherwise, choose, I DO NOT CARE!!
When I was married I made little to no decisions for myself. I did not decide where we lived, how we decorated - hung the pictures, how to spend the money, I even had to change the way I was shaving my legs. The lack of decision making probably does not come as a surprise to anyone, but the depth of the lack of decision making may. When I slept, when I was awake, when we ate, what we ate, what outfit I would wear to a particular place, when I could shop, what to buy, what to cook and the list goes on and on. I would not be able to clean, so that I could hear how poor of a housekeeper I was. And again, the list goes on and on.
Everyone knows I had a baby at a young age. When I married I told my husband that when we had children we needed to tell them about their sister, no. They are old enough, now? No. I am learning more about her, now? No. I am at Wal-Mart, working a graveyard, and my girls call me up all excited because they have a half sister. Imagine how I felt standing in front of everyone in the fitting room. I not only was told no repeatedly, but when the time came, I was not only not consulted, but not even present. And to top it off with a cherry, he had them call me at work to tell me.
When Amanda was 8, we were going thru some seriously rocky times. The baptism was a mess. He did not like the mother of whom Amanda would be baptized with so he had her sit out and wait and they had to hold a special one. Which Amanda was worthy of a special one, but who on earth could feel the spirit after that show? He also walked all of the girls down to McDonald's for her birthday. Then went to a phone booth and called me. He said many choice words, and offered up many threats about what he would do to my babies if I came to join them. Then of course called them over and told Amanda that mommy will not come down, maybe she could talk me into it. Amanda was crying and begging me to come for her birthday and I had to tell her I could not, that something else had come up.
Two reasons for sharing some of the stories that I have been sharing. One, I tore up countless journals over the years because who wants to read all of this depressing crap?? I missed the opportunity to give my girls a stable loving home and childhood, then I missed the opportunity to allow them a real glimpse into my life and decisions I made. Those decisions might have helped them know what I was truly thinking at any given moment. There are specific situations that stick out in my girls minds, those may have been different than their perspective showed them. Now they will not know, unless I can remember. The other is that I am now working on trying to make decisions.
This probably sounds easy to some, how hard can it be??? However, when I first moved out I had to sit down every time the mail came and ask myself, can I pay this bill? It was not a matter of money. (It is amazing how much money you can have when not paying for alcohol and drugs, or phone cards to call your girlfriends). And yes, I fully realize that the lack of respect anyone may have for me may go completely out the window after reading about what a true sap I was, but I need to write anyway.
So, my therapist that I see weekly has asked me to decide what I do care about, what I want. I now have the control to do what I want, and I have had, but for 10 years I have just been surviving in a different way than I was surviving in my marriage, but still not fully living yet. We started with my room. Small baby steps, and I only have a room not a house lol. So, my bed. I do not care if my bed is made. I think the bedroom looks cleaner, nicer if it is made but I could care less. So, if I do not want to make it, I will not make it. I do however love clean sheets. So since I vary on laundry depending on others, it could be once a week, once a week and a half or once every 4 days...so I put on my list that I will wash sheets every time I do laundry to cover it. I have also gotten into a really bad habit of leaving the clothes in the basket and getting dressed out of that, this I dislike. So my choice is to put them away within one day of washing. This will make me happier and feel better. And so it goes. I will not make you go thru my entire list with me, but this is what I am doing. I am taking control of my everyday decisions, little to big, and realizing that I can make decisions and take control of living!
Saturday, February 18, 2017
TV, Movies, and Books
Books, TV or movies can be very addictive, but in a crazy way.
Everyone knows that I love my books, movies and TV, I read or listen to it when I am not listening to music. I often can "watch" the same thing over and over because I do not look up very often, at times, so I do not remember the shows (I will say it is that instead of my brain!)
I am sure you have heard my diatribe before but shows can make me crazy too. The two that we want to get together almost then no, almost then no, etc and it goes on for a season or three. Then they get together and there are issues, and then they break up and get back together ....
So there are also shows that I watch that I should not have watched, some I really should not have watched, some I cannot believe I watched because they were dumb or awful or childish or stupid...
One I clicked on recently was the Mindy Project, oh my goodness, how am I on season 4?? It is dumb, irreverent, and just should not be captivating my interest. And I am upset over a break up...these two should be together, they have been together against the odds and should have stayed together. There is not even a reason for them to not be together, it was dumb. And why in the world am I upset over this?? Why on earth am I hating on everything and everyone going on now because they are not together??? I always ask, why do they do this, but the answer is if all was sunny and perfect no one would watch. Why is this?? This is so crazy. Hallmark movies are great for hw. You can watch for first 5 minutes and see characters and then just listen and they make me happy. They are always happy in the end. We know they will be good. So obviously happy endings are ok.
I need to just listen to music?? Or nothing but Hallmark?? Find the solution????
Everyone knows that I love my books, movies and TV, I read or listen to it when I am not listening to music. I often can "watch" the same thing over and over because I do not look up very often, at times, so I do not remember the shows (I will say it is that instead of my brain!)
I am sure you have heard my diatribe before but shows can make me crazy too. The two that we want to get together almost then no, almost then no, etc and it goes on for a season or three. Then they get together and there are issues, and then they break up and get back together ....
So there are also shows that I watch that I should not have watched, some I really should not have watched, some I cannot believe I watched because they were dumb or awful or childish or stupid...
One I clicked on recently was the Mindy Project, oh my goodness, how am I on season 4?? It is dumb, irreverent, and just should not be captivating my interest. And I am upset over a break up...these two should be together, they have been together against the odds and should have stayed together. There is not even a reason for them to not be together, it was dumb. And why in the world am I upset over this?? Why on earth am I hating on everything and everyone going on now because they are not together??? I always ask, why do they do this, but the answer is if all was sunny and perfect no one would watch. Why is this?? This is so crazy. Hallmark movies are great for hw. You can watch for first 5 minutes and see characters and then just listen and they make me happy. They are always happy in the end. We know they will be good. So obviously happy endings are ok.
I need to just listen to music?? Or nothing but Hallmark?? Find the solution????
Thursday, February 16, 2017
City or Country
Green Acres is the place to be
Farm living is the life for me
Land spreading out,
so far and wide
Keep Manhattan
just give me that countryside
I have no doubt that it is a shock to you all that I do not want to live in the middle of the busiest, noisiest, most smog filled, a place with tons of cars and people that one can find!!
all the way.....
Farm living is the life for me
Land spreading out,
so far and wide
Keep Manhattan
just give me that countryside
I have no doubt that it is a shock to you all that I do not want to live in the middle of the busiest, noisiest, most smog filled, a place with tons of cars and people that one can find!!
all the way.....
COUNTRY
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Exiled
If you were exiled, where would you go? What 5 things would you take with you?
The exiled part is easy, to a cabin in the woods. The cabin that mom and dad had use of for years in Mt. Hood Forestry was amazing and would work. I personally would like a smaller cabin, but that one would hold all of us and then some, so that could be useful to be exiled with family??
If it were a task I needed to do alone, and I would, I would choose a small well isolated cabin in the forest. Tons of trees, water near by to hear/watch/enjoy, and tons of space. I would want snow so Oregon/Washington would be great. MN or somewhere would be to cold, no mountains etc. Utah would be great view wise, but I like the people out of UT a lot more than in UT. So, my cabin would just need the basics; bed, toilet, wood stove.
The 5 items to take with me would get a bit tricky.
The exiled part is easy, to a cabin in the woods. The cabin that mom and dad had use of for years in Mt. Hood Forestry was amazing and would work. I personally would like a smaller cabin, but that one would hold all of us and then some, so that could be useful to be exiled with family??
If it were a task I needed to do alone, and I would, I would choose a small well isolated cabin in the forest. Tons of trees, water near by to hear/watch/enjoy, and tons of space. I would want snow so Oregon/Washington would be great. MN or somewhere would be to cold, no mountains etc. Utah would be great view wise, but I like the people out of UT a lot more than in UT. So, my cabin would just need the basics; bed, toilet, wood stove.
The 5 items to take with me would get a bit tricky.
- I would want electricity so I could charge my iPad mini/tablet/laptop. I have to have this as my number one as I would have thousands of books loaded before I was exiled.
- I would want some sort of communication with my family. phone/Internet/video chat is the best, but being exiled I am not sure if Internet is going to be a realistic option, but it would be on my list if it were.
- Costco size everything, and a ton of them. Toilet Paper, paper towels, can goods and since I have electricity a deep freeze or two to put lots of items in so I do not starve, but not so much that I remain the same size!
- I would think a snow shovel would be good to have?
- and cherry lifesavers
Yep, that would hold me. Bon Voyage!!!!
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Do you believe in love at first sight
Love, no. I believe in attraction at first sight, and being attracted to habits or attributes that will keep you around long enough to fall in love, but not love at first sight. I have been attracted to people. I have wanted to get to know someone better because of seeing the kind of person they were with others. I have wanted to go out with someone based on looks. I remember one time at the young adult dances I saw a guy straight out of the movies. He was so handsome, man alive. I asked about him and low and behold he was asking about me also. We went out on a date and had a fun time but conversation was not flowing. I felt like he must really really be upset that he asked me out on the way home because he put his foot up on dash? it was up somewhere but I imagine it was not the dash as he was driving?? Anyway, then he announces that he was so comfortable with me that he could not believe it. Way to shock me!! However, I do not recall going out with him again. I have been attracted to someone because of their hobbies/talents. I went out with a guy the Brassfield's looked up to for softball skills, this was an important part of life! We had a good time. We went shooting, a lot of outdoor things and had a blast, he brought me flowers too, so more than sports etc. I do not remember how that ended but it did. I have been attracted to those that had similar situations as I did. Bobby and a girl got pregnant in high school, and he was doing his best to be an incredible dad. I was attracted to those that I was partying with in high school, obviously same interests, those did not last long term.
Once when I was doing the training for officers I had an experience that I have never had before. One night we were out at Hill Air Force base in the abandoned barracks for drills into homes/offices. We were doing drug busts/home invasions/domestic abuse/ and kidnapping situations. We worked with a lot of officers that were training to become officers, and current officers and swat members would help train. This one house there was a swat guy and it was dark, I could not see him but there was an electric current in there that I had never felt before. Sight unseen we talked and spent a lot of time between scenarios together. He was holding me captive and had his arm around my neck/shoulders and man alive I did not want to move. During this situation they called it a night because of the time, and we just kept standing there, for several minutes, seemed like a lifetime. We finally let go, well he let go, and we walked out with everyone. I stood in a circle with Dan and a few others i had worked with, and this guy came up and stood next to me. I could only tell because the current came back. I tried to look at him peripherally but could not see anything but swat uniform. I knew if I looked at him full on, I would want to invite him home and I could not/would not do that, so I walked away, probably making him feel like he must have been the only one feeling it. I have often wondered if that was the guy for me. Having never felt that before what if that was the guy I could have really had a good relationship with? What if we had been able to talk and enjoy the kind of respectful, kind, mutual relationship that I had never and may never experience again? I have often thought that a cop or swat would be someone that I could be safe with, feel protected, and may not feel that with anyone else, but that type of individual. He may be the type of person that I should not be with but I will never know. I also wonder if I will ever again in my life feel that feeling, it makes me sad that I may not.
So in my opinion, you do not fall in love at first sight, you fall in love with conversation and actions. That may only take a few hours or days, but the first sight is only an attraction that makes you want more.
Once when I was doing the training for officers I had an experience that I have never had before. One night we were out at Hill Air Force base in the abandoned barracks for drills into homes/offices. We were doing drug busts/home invasions/domestic abuse/ and kidnapping situations. We worked with a lot of officers that were training to become officers, and current officers and swat members would help train. This one house there was a swat guy and it was dark, I could not see him but there was an electric current in there that I had never felt before. Sight unseen we talked and spent a lot of time between scenarios together. He was holding me captive and had his arm around my neck/shoulders and man alive I did not want to move. During this situation they called it a night because of the time, and we just kept standing there, for several minutes, seemed like a lifetime. We finally let go, well he let go, and we walked out with everyone. I stood in a circle with Dan and a few others i had worked with, and this guy came up and stood next to me. I could only tell because the current came back. I tried to look at him peripherally but could not see anything but swat uniform. I knew if I looked at him full on, I would want to invite him home and I could not/would not do that, so I walked away, probably making him feel like he must have been the only one feeling it. I have often wondered if that was the guy for me. Having never felt that before what if that was the guy I could have really had a good relationship with? What if we had been able to talk and enjoy the kind of respectful, kind, mutual relationship that I had never and may never experience again? I have often thought that a cop or swat would be someone that I could be safe with, feel protected, and may not feel that with anyone else, but that type of individual. He may be the type of person that I should not be with but I will never know. I also wonder if I will ever again in my life feel that feeling, it makes me sad that I may not.
So in my opinion, you do not fall in love at first sight, you fall in love with conversation and actions. That may only take a few hours or days, but the first sight is only an attraction that makes you want more.
Friday, February 10, 2017
A few close friends or a ton of acquaintances?
Anyone who knows me, knows that I would absolutely go for a ton of acquaintances. I LOVE having a ton of people milling around and just popping in and out visiting. Nothing better than having a surprise visitor on my doorstep, just to say hi. Man alive, weekends would not be weekends without an impromptu party with as many as can squeeze in my place!! That said, I would love to meet more individuals, just send them my way!!
If you were on the news, what would it be for
Breaking News:
There has been a murder in Draper Utah tonight.
Good evening. We are in Draper Utah, the scene of a most bizarre murder. Witnesses say that a man was walking down the road and a female driver pulled over and appeared to start a conversation. Supposedly, those that drove by earlier say that there was nothing that made them question the two conversing. The only reason they remembered at all, was due to the fact that the car was stopped in the road and they were waved around. According to neighbors that had noticed the car and couple for a longer period of time, said that as the couple talked the female seemed to grow more aggravated. The man seemed to back up once in a while, he appeared to be nervous the more irritated she became. Witnesses say that then the female lost control and started punching, scratching, kicking, yelling, and generally just all out attacking the man. They say that called 911 and tried to get out there as quickly as possible, but it was all over when they arrived. The female had literally torn him limb from limb.
Names of the victim and perpetrator are not being released until the immediate family has been notified. This is Laura Wilson from Fox News, back to you Brad.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Working Thru things
I am supposed to write letters/conversations to those in my past that I have dealt with, come up with a different outcome. I have been told that in the past also, about writing the story or imagine the outcome of the dream different than it did in the original scenario.
I had a dream last night, just the part that matters is that all of my girls were at home, and Donovan was holding a baby. He started to threaten to hurt the baby if I did not comply. I sent the girls to bedrooms - so as I used to think, they did not hear or know what was going on - unfortunately I thought I was protecting them...crazy that I truly believed it. Anyway, I told him to stop, that he was not going to hurt himself he was just being an idiot and he needed to stop and go away. No one wanted him to, however, if he wanted to hurt himself go for it, but leave the rest of us alone.
There is a problem with what I perceive to be the proper outcome I was looking for. Mainly that now that I am supposed to redo and find what I should have done, all of the guilt that I have carried comes to the surface with a vengeance because I did not protect my babies. I am supposed to get rid of the guilt, I did the best I could with what I had blah blah blah, but head and heart do not match, and I cannot imagine a day when they will. So with that knowledge I imagine I will have to come to some sort of you cannot change it so let it be conclusion.
Somehow I do not think that is what my therapist will want to hear tomorrow...but who knows lol
I had a dream last night, just the part that matters is that all of my girls were at home, and Donovan was holding a baby. He started to threaten to hurt the baby if I did not comply. I sent the girls to bedrooms - so as I used to think, they did not hear or know what was going on - unfortunately I thought I was protecting them...crazy that I truly believed it. Anyway, I told him to stop, that he was not going to hurt himself he was just being an idiot and he needed to stop and go away. No one wanted him to, however, if he wanted to hurt himself go for it, but leave the rest of us alone.
There is a problem with what I perceive to be the proper outcome I was looking for. Mainly that now that I am supposed to redo and find what I should have done, all of the guilt that I have carried comes to the surface with a vengeance because I did not protect my babies. I am supposed to get rid of the guilt, I did the best I could with what I had blah blah blah, but head and heart do not match, and I cannot imagine a day when they will. So with that knowledge I imagine I will have to come to some sort of you cannot change it so let it be conclusion.
Somehow I do not think that is what my therapist will want to hear tomorrow...but who knows lol
This is NOT a Spoiler Alert - Chrissy or anyone else going to see La La Land
I believe I just felt Kimberly roll her eyes and say, not a chance! LOL
So I had not even heard of la la land in conversation, and I saw a glimpse of an ad once...or so, and did not register. Hard to do, that!! However, Eva had consented to go to the movies with Mary Lou and then went into the hospital again so I said I would go, not expecting much since I had no clue what it was about. And that is the end of this conversation until everyone who wants to see it has seen it. I will however say that I did some research when I got home, as questions about whether he sang, danced, and played for himself were asked on the way out of the theatre and I was curious. I found some awesome footage.
This article was interesting, so I will include the link, but I will try to add the videos also, that may be more difficult than I can muster however.. http://www.vulture.com/2016/12/can-ryan-gosling-really-sing-and-dance.html
Ok I cannot do that, but click on this youtube it is so funny, dancing as a youth, such attitude in the little guy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGFRG09sHag&feature=youtu.be
Guess they are all the same, but this one is him singing 12 years old, and he outshines Timberlake on the stage, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEgGWHtVIhQ&feature=youtu.be
That is all since I cannot post the video you will just have to click on the links. I will say that in the movie he has some fancy footwork and a fedora that Amanda would love (at least I think she would)
So I had not even heard of la la land in conversation, and I saw a glimpse of an ad once...or so, and did not register. Hard to do, that!! However, Eva had consented to go to the movies with Mary Lou and then went into the hospital again so I said I would go, not expecting much since I had no clue what it was about. And that is the end of this conversation until everyone who wants to see it has seen it. I will however say that I did some research when I got home, as questions about whether he sang, danced, and played for himself were asked on the way out of the theatre and I was curious. I found some awesome footage.
This article was interesting, so I will include the link, but I will try to add the videos also, that may be more difficult than I can muster however.. http://www.vulture.com/2016/12/can-ryan-gosling-really-sing-and-dance.html
Ok I cannot do that, but click on this youtube it is so funny, dancing as a youth, such attitude in the little guy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGFRG09sHag&feature=youtu.be
Guess they are all the same, but this one is him singing 12 years old, and he outshines Timberlake on the stage, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEgGWHtVIhQ&feature=youtu.be
That is all since I cannot post the video you will just have to click on the links. I will say that in the movie he has some fancy footwork and a fedora that Amanda would love (at least I think she would)
Monday, February 6, 2017
Starbucks order?
Not sure out of all of the blog questions this one jumped out at me, but here we are.
Believe it or not, I have never once been to a Starbucks.
I think they are genius marketers because how on earth could you get people to pay so much money for one cup of something, sometimes more than once a day, if you were not.
Everyone has something. Every once in a while I have paid for a cup of hot chocolate. I pay for food, treats, books, etc. we all have something that is our comfort area. I think I am frugal in that I choose the dollar menu items or specials and try not to over spend - except I do spend a lot on fast food. Not so much this last year though. However, what I feel is worth it, others may look at me and say, are you cray cray???
This last Thanksgiving, Eva paid $39 for 1 pie, 1!! Although I have to tell you, that if I knew that I did not have to share it, I would do it again in a heartbeat lol. Good stuff!! Although I do not think I could do it really. I have gotten on the UT truffles website and almost purchased a box many times. Small, regular, mix, just almond, just mint, just raspberry or orange?? So many options, However, they are expensive and I keep thinking about how fast I would go thru them. Although, I was given a gift of 8 or so of them and I have only eaten 4, and it has been at least a week since I have had them....mucho restraint!! Restraint and moderation are not my strong suits.
Believe it or not, I have never once been to a Starbucks.
I think they are genius marketers because how on earth could you get people to pay so much money for one cup of something, sometimes more than once a day, if you were not.
Everyone has something. Every once in a while I have paid for a cup of hot chocolate. I pay for food, treats, books, etc. we all have something that is our comfort area. I think I am frugal in that I choose the dollar menu items or specials and try not to over spend - except I do spend a lot on fast food. Not so much this last year though. However, what I feel is worth it, others may look at me and say, are you cray cray???
This last Thanksgiving, Eva paid $39 for 1 pie, 1!! Although I have to tell you, that if I knew that I did not have to share it, I would do it again in a heartbeat lol. Good stuff!! Although I do not think I could do it really. I have gotten on the UT truffles website and almost purchased a box many times. Small, regular, mix, just almond, just mint, just raspberry or orange?? So many options, However, they are expensive and I keep thinking about how fast I would go thru them. Although, I was given a gift of 8 or so of them and I have only eaten 4, and it has been at least a week since I have had them....mucho restraint!! Restraint and moderation are not my strong suits.
SuperBowl Sunday
Well technically it is Not so SuperBowl Monday...
I have been thinking how blessed I am.
There are times lately as I am sick, working on some physical and mental ailments that I am, but I truly have a lot to be thankful for. My mom and dad are alive and I am able to go see them once or twice a year. My girls are all doing well in their perspective lives and seem very happy and healthy. I have a roof over my head that I am grateful for. I have the opportunity to go to school full-time, and to have enough money to pay my bills. I have had the opportunity to travel a great deal this last year and a half, and have seen and experienced some amazing sights/events that I could not have imagined doing. I have a great car that runs well. I can see, hear, walk, take care of myself, and get around. I live in a beautiful area of the world (this city/block/neighborhood). I did not take a nap today, and started getting tired earlier than the last couple of weeks, and laid down for a while before getting back up....this is progress. My bill of health is actually quite great considering my lack of taking care of myself the last 20 years.
I have a lot of gratitude in my heart for those that are close to me, dear to me. I know that we are not close in proximity and there are some that may never be, but I have a lot of love for each of those individuals. I wish no one in my life anything but the best. I like that I have good people surrounding me. and last but never least, I have two amazing grandkids that I adore. Life is good.
I have been thinking how blessed I am.
There are times lately as I am sick, working on some physical and mental ailments that I am, but I truly have a lot to be thankful for. My mom and dad are alive and I am able to go see them once or twice a year. My girls are all doing well in their perspective lives and seem very happy and healthy. I have a roof over my head that I am grateful for. I have the opportunity to go to school full-time, and to have enough money to pay my bills. I have had the opportunity to travel a great deal this last year and a half, and have seen and experienced some amazing sights/events that I could not have imagined doing. I have a great car that runs well. I can see, hear, walk, take care of myself, and get around. I live in a beautiful area of the world (this city/block/neighborhood). I did not take a nap today, and started getting tired earlier than the last couple of weeks, and laid down for a while before getting back up....this is progress. My bill of health is actually quite great considering my lack of taking care of myself the last 20 years.
I have a lot of gratitude in my heart for those that are close to me, dear to me. I know that we are not close in proximity and there are some that may never be, but I have a lot of love for each of those individuals. I wish no one in my life anything but the best. I like that I have good people surrounding me. and last but never least, I have two amazing grandkids that I adore. Life is good.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Daytime sleeping
So...I have taken up waking up to my computer in my lap with my hand poised over it, like I was just about to write something else. Things are being adjusted and I am almost better so this should stop, however, I fell asleep during my final today so that was not so good. Luckily I woke up before it was over and I clicked some answers...not my best score but I got a high B or low A depending on if she pads any. I had an 89.97% which is .03% lower than a B, however, because of my effort in the class he gave me an A.
Anyway, I had a nightmare while napping, which is yet another reason not to take naps, adding another opportunity to have a nightmare, YUK!!
I was over at Eva's friends helping her clean and she was resisting change lol fun! I was trying to wash some dishes and Donovan was helping dry. I told him to go away and he went into the bedroom to sleep. Meaghan and Heather, and Christian were there to ask my girls to go camping, and during the conversation I was looking for a bathroom that was not overrun with clothes and junk. I went into a room with a closet door, which turned out to be a bathroom. I was thinking, how much Ashley would love having the bathroom in her room so she would never have to come out until she was done, then I realized that she was married and did not live with me anymore and never would. I woke up crying. Ugh, so this is what an empty nester that does not even have a home dreams of??? Crazy stuff. I am used to this type of nightmare about Donovan now. I still have the violent, awful ones, but I have switched to a string of ones in which he is just there, and says he always will be. I move, he is there checking out the place, in the background, but there. ETC. you get the picture. However, I do not want to grow old and look forward to adding daytime nightmare naps to my schedule!!
Anyway, I had a nightmare while napping, which is yet another reason not to take naps, adding another opportunity to have a nightmare, YUK!!
I was over at Eva's friends helping her clean and she was resisting change lol fun! I was trying to wash some dishes and Donovan was helping dry. I told him to go away and he went into the bedroom to sleep. Meaghan and Heather, and Christian were there to ask my girls to go camping, and during the conversation I was looking for a bathroom that was not overrun with clothes and junk. I went into a room with a closet door, which turned out to be a bathroom. I was thinking, how much Ashley would love having the bathroom in her room so she would never have to come out until she was done, then I realized that she was married and did not live with me anymore and never would. I woke up crying. Ugh, so this is what an empty nester that does not even have a home dreams of??? Crazy stuff. I am used to this type of nightmare about Donovan now. I still have the violent, awful ones, but I have switched to a string of ones in which he is just there, and says he always will be. I move, he is there checking out the place, in the background, but there. ETC. you get the picture. However, I do not want to grow old and look forward to adding daytime nightmare naps to my schedule!!
Friday, February 3, 2017
Day 26 - Your Religious Beliefs
I cannot watch the sunrise in the desert, the sunset over the water, see the trees - whether it is the 300-400 year old live oaks that I have fallen in love with, or the trees in any backyard when the wind blows thru them on a quiet night, the moon and stars shining brightly, the snow capped mountains and the frozen trees on that one special morning a year, without believing in a God. I understand that others have their individual thoughts but I just cannot imagine how anyone but a God could create all of this.
I have been blessed with faith that there is a God in Heaven Christ, and I believe the Holy Ghost whispers to my heart. I so wish I were a perfect example of a Christlike person, all, or even most of the time, but I am not. I hope that somewhere along the way I have helped or encouraged, listened or smiled, or was a positive something for someone when they needed it. Because trust me, I have had countless angels help me thru this life so far, and I have zero reason to think that will stop.
I do not know if I have ever expressed how much I KNOW my path to the church was sure. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father wanted me to meet the Brassfield family, and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I had no idea when my due date was as I had not been to the doctor. I spent 3 nights in jail to be told I could not go home at the end of it. I lived with my counselor in high school, Dennis Price, and his family. Gloria his wife, and 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl. I really adored them all, but they were not family. I was called and told that David Harold Peyton did not want anything from me or anything to do with me. I walked up the grocery store aisle because I saw my mother and she looked at me and walked by with out so much as a boo. I could not handle Hood River anymore. I talked to Candy when she called and she said she had a bus ticket waiting for me downtown. The bus station burned down, no record of a ticket. Jody helped me scrape together enough money for a one way train ticket to LA on Amtrak, under an assumed name, Lauren Crawford (Like you could do that today!). I rode 24 hours, alone, not a penny to my name, no food etc. and then stood in the LA train station without a clue as to what to do. After a minor freak out, I remembered that Bill Jones (Barrie and Larry's son lived in LA). I looked him up at the phone booth and low and behold he was listed. 1 collect call and baffled Bill later, he came to get me and took me to his place. What are your plans, don't know. When are you due, don't know.....you get the idea. Not even maternity clothes, just unbuttoning the top button of my overalls, yes, those were a thing back then lol. He had no idea what to do with me, I obviously could not stay long term, baby, no job etc. About 5 days after arriving I went into labor, no clue it was labor, just had to go to the bathroom, then again...lets go see. Off we went. Poor Bill was out of his league and mind with what to do...in LA, down Sepulveda Blvd. he is jumping out of his car and telling LA bumper to bumper traffic to please move he has a lady giving birth in the car! Funny to watch, even then. I see that as a miracle that I arrived and did not have her in HR, or on the train, or in the train station when the only person I knew close was not home. I was getting sick and the nurse told me it was close, I said I had changed my mind, she said it was too late. I do not know where Bill was put, but not with me. I gave birth to the first of my 5 perfect beautiful girls. I had no clue, still. I was in a room with 3 other women, and the one next to me told the doctor she had not gone poo yet so he said she had to stay, I of course lied my tush off and said I had. I had mentioned adoption to the nurse so she sent in a social worker. I told her I would like to do a private adoption. She told me, "You can walk across the street and give your baby to a dead nigger for all I care, but we do not do private adoptions at LA County." I will never forget those words as long as I live. I may not remember they were said to me when I get real bad, but I will always remember they were said. This is another incident I believe had to happen. I walked out of that awful place with my baby with me because there was no way I was leaving her with that monster. That lady may never had spoken those words before or since. She may have had a break down when she realized what she said, but without those words I would not have had Tarah for those precious months. Poor Bill was over his head and called in his sister for relief. I went home with Vicki and she set up an interview with a couple for me. They were so nice. I remember them telling me of what they envisioned for a daughter, and it sounded so idyllic. For some reason I could not do it, walking out with her was all it took. I wanted her, that was a no brainer, but I had known she was better off without me, in those circumstances, and I just deluded myself into thinking it would work out if I left with her in my arms. That perfect couple was Gene Brassfields neice and husband. Another way I know the result was to get me to them. Candy showed up to visit Vicki that night, she had not seen her in several years, but was in the neighborhood (coincidence? not a chance). Candy took me "home" my sister was a heroin addict at the time, 2 small children I had just turned 17 so Tanya was just turning 7 and Steven was 3-4 I think. Her "job" was a professional shoplifter that sold to a man that worked at the swap meet. My months with Candy could be a story in and of itself, but we will wait for that. Several months into the hotel hopping, failed attempts to get Candy to commit to treatment, thinking she would die from cotton fever when she refused to get help, her boyfriend Steve punching me in the face, my jewelry being stolen...the guy that owned the bar we went to next to the hotel (he allowed me to play pool if I did not drink) was a nice ole man. He was like a grandpa, he and his wife were really nice. He offered to put me up in a hotel so I could get out of the situation before it was really bad, before I was using, which I swore I would never do. He paid for a hotel with kitchenette, bought me diapers and food for Tarah and I, and set me up for a week. Said we would find something more permanent later. He would come visit, we would watch TV or talk, he never once made a move on me and I truly thought he was just a nice guy helping out. 6 days into the stay I went out with little Joe, a biker from the club that Candy was associated with before Steve. Her friend Kay hooked me up. I remember so very little about the date. That is yet another story for another time. The next morning Cowboy never showed up to pay the rent (he had come to visit the night before but I was watching TV with little Joe, Kay and her ole man) I was kicked out, hiding behind the closed window did not help much. And was walking down the street with Tarah and everything I owned in one sack. No money, no idea what to do. I knew I could sleep on the street if needed, however, Tarah could not, should not. I called Vicki. She said she knew a couple, ok. I planned to go there for 1 night and allow Tarah to have a life and then .... We were introduced and Nedra and Doug asked if they could visit with Tarah alone. Gene took me into the living room and let his 3 grandkids climb all over me, asking me all of the questions that only 3 young ones can ask, it was crazy. He asked them to leave and looked at me and said, that is what it is going to be like, can you handle this? I thought he was such a bastard, I was calling him so many names in my head I lost count of them. Then, I understood what he was asking me, I got it. Tarah stayed that night, Donovan came by to tell them about his mission call, and I sat, numb. She left the next day. I was too catatonic to move, but made plans to head out that next morning. I slept with her blanket (for weeks, until Lorraine begged me to wash it as it smelled of bad formula?? I just knew it was all I had left, that and her little snoopy) Instead of leaving Lorraine and Jan took me to the mall to go shopping. I was in threadbare jeans, t-shirt and scraggly flannel shirt, I thought I looked MARVELOUS! lol they thought other wise. The purchased the famous white dress that I wore to my first date with Donovan that Amanda tried on when she was 8 and had a hard time fitting. Anyway, long story short, or probably short story long, they felt I needed the gospel, and set that up. I felt that Nedra was the one on more than that night. It was to her husband Doug that Tarah put her arms up to that night. I guess she had not had a lot of experience with men and was curious? But I later learned that had she not done that Doug was ready to say no. I did not know this but they were having trouble and he did not want to commit. A week or two later on a Friday evening at 4:45 or 4:50 pm, the social worker in charge of the case called to say that Doug and Nedra were getting a divorce and it was all up in the air. Gene was livid, not sure what all he called her as I tuned out but the fact that she called to lay that little bomb in my lap late on a Friday when I would not get answers for several days did not sit well with him. However, I am getting sidetracked, my penchant for rambling and the fact that it is 4:16 am and I have not slept yet are all contributing factors I am sure.
OK, so Nedra and Doug had been in HI making their first million for several months prior to us showing up, hence, I needed to keep her for those months so that Nedra could be ready. Nedra turned 25 that week she divorced and CA law allowed her to adopt by herself at that age, Nedra had a dream about her mother that had passed telling her about her baby (she supposedly could not have kids) and Nedra bought an armoire for her daughter while in HI, with Doug telling her she was nuts (we were not in the pic yet).
So several things fell into the exact place they needed to fall for Nedra to be her adopted mother. I have a lot to say about all of it but I need to wrap this story up, but I do still feel strongly, despite everything, that Tarah was supposed to be with Nedra.
When I was taught the first lesson, the spirit hit me like a freight train, head to my toes it completely blinded me. I did not understand it at the time, however, I never doubted a word those young men said to me that day. I do not doubt that this is the true gospel. I have never doubted that any of it is true. I have not been active or involved for a lot of reasons, people, husband, circumstances, but I do not ever doubt that it is my weakness and not the gospel. Men are men, humans are humans, but God is true, He lives, He is there for me, and listens to me. He has proven time and again that when He needs to, He gets my attention if I am not listening to Him. My path to the gospel was not a normal route, but every decision and step lead me to Him. A road that was hard, but I am grateful I am here. I am grateful that He allowed me to have 4 more beautiful, fun, intelligent, independent, amazing girls in my life. I am grateful for every next day He allows me to learn and grow and discover more about how to be a good person, a caring, kind, compassionate, individual who looks outside of herself and cares about others. Who has yet another day to figure out the things I need to figure out.
I will read this over later, I am so tired, so I have no idea if I made any sense, but I hope so.
I have been blessed with faith that there is a God in Heaven Christ, and I believe the Holy Ghost whispers to my heart. I so wish I were a perfect example of a Christlike person, all, or even most of the time, but I am not. I hope that somewhere along the way I have helped or encouraged, listened or smiled, or was a positive something for someone when they needed it. Because trust me, I have had countless angels help me thru this life so far, and I have zero reason to think that will stop.
I do not know if I have ever expressed how much I KNOW my path to the church was sure. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father wanted me to meet the Brassfield family, and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I had no idea when my due date was as I had not been to the doctor. I spent 3 nights in jail to be told I could not go home at the end of it. I lived with my counselor in high school, Dennis Price, and his family. Gloria his wife, and 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl. I really adored them all, but they were not family. I was called and told that David Harold Peyton did not want anything from me or anything to do with me. I walked up the grocery store aisle because I saw my mother and she looked at me and walked by with out so much as a boo. I could not handle Hood River anymore. I talked to Candy when she called and she said she had a bus ticket waiting for me downtown. The bus station burned down, no record of a ticket. Jody helped me scrape together enough money for a one way train ticket to LA on Amtrak, under an assumed name, Lauren Crawford (Like you could do that today!). I rode 24 hours, alone, not a penny to my name, no food etc. and then stood in the LA train station without a clue as to what to do. After a minor freak out, I remembered that Bill Jones (Barrie and Larry's son lived in LA). I looked him up at the phone booth and low and behold he was listed. 1 collect call and baffled Bill later, he came to get me and took me to his place. What are your plans, don't know. When are you due, don't know.....you get the idea. Not even maternity clothes, just unbuttoning the top button of my overalls, yes, those were a thing back then lol. He had no idea what to do with me, I obviously could not stay long term, baby, no job etc. About 5 days after arriving I went into labor, no clue it was labor, just had to go to the bathroom, then again...lets go see. Off we went. Poor Bill was out of his league and mind with what to do...in LA, down Sepulveda Blvd. he is jumping out of his car and telling LA bumper to bumper traffic to please move he has a lady giving birth in the car! Funny to watch, even then. I see that as a miracle that I arrived and did not have her in HR, or on the train, or in the train station when the only person I knew close was not home. I was getting sick and the nurse told me it was close, I said I had changed my mind, she said it was too late. I do not know where Bill was put, but not with me. I gave birth to the first of my 5 perfect beautiful girls. I had no clue, still. I was in a room with 3 other women, and the one next to me told the doctor she had not gone poo yet so he said she had to stay, I of course lied my tush off and said I had. I had mentioned adoption to the nurse so she sent in a social worker. I told her I would like to do a private adoption. She told me, "You can walk across the street and give your baby to a dead nigger for all I care, but we do not do private adoptions at LA County." I will never forget those words as long as I live. I may not remember they were said to me when I get real bad, but I will always remember they were said. This is another incident I believe had to happen. I walked out of that awful place with my baby with me because there was no way I was leaving her with that monster. That lady may never had spoken those words before or since. She may have had a break down when she realized what she said, but without those words I would not have had Tarah for those precious months. Poor Bill was over his head and called in his sister for relief. I went home with Vicki and she set up an interview with a couple for me. They were so nice. I remember them telling me of what they envisioned for a daughter, and it sounded so idyllic. For some reason I could not do it, walking out with her was all it took. I wanted her, that was a no brainer, but I had known she was better off without me, in those circumstances, and I just deluded myself into thinking it would work out if I left with her in my arms. That perfect couple was Gene Brassfields neice and husband. Another way I know the result was to get me to them. Candy showed up to visit Vicki that night, she had not seen her in several years, but was in the neighborhood (coincidence? not a chance). Candy took me "home" my sister was a heroin addict at the time, 2 small children I had just turned 17 so Tanya was just turning 7 and Steven was 3-4 I think. Her "job" was a professional shoplifter that sold to a man that worked at the swap meet. My months with Candy could be a story in and of itself, but we will wait for that. Several months into the hotel hopping, failed attempts to get Candy to commit to treatment, thinking she would die from cotton fever when she refused to get help, her boyfriend Steve punching me in the face, my jewelry being stolen...the guy that owned the bar we went to next to the hotel (he allowed me to play pool if I did not drink) was a nice ole man. He was like a grandpa, he and his wife were really nice. He offered to put me up in a hotel so I could get out of the situation before it was really bad, before I was using, which I swore I would never do. He paid for a hotel with kitchenette, bought me diapers and food for Tarah and I, and set me up for a week. Said we would find something more permanent later. He would come visit, we would watch TV or talk, he never once made a move on me and I truly thought he was just a nice guy helping out. 6 days into the stay I went out with little Joe, a biker from the club that Candy was associated with before Steve. Her friend Kay hooked me up. I remember so very little about the date. That is yet another story for another time. The next morning Cowboy never showed up to pay the rent (he had come to visit the night before but I was watching TV with little Joe, Kay and her ole man) I was kicked out, hiding behind the closed window did not help much. And was walking down the street with Tarah and everything I owned in one sack. No money, no idea what to do. I knew I could sleep on the street if needed, however, Tarah could not, should not. I called Vicki. She said she knew a couple, ok. I planned to go there for 1 night and allow Tarah to have a life and then .... We were introduced and Nedra and Doug asked if they could visit with Tarah alone. Gene took me into the living room and let his 3 grandkids climb all over me, asking me all of the questions that only 3 young ones can ask, it was crazy. He asked them to leave and looked at me and said, that is what it is going to be like, can you handle this? I thought he was such a bastard, I was calling him so many names in my head I lost count of them. Then, I understood what he was asking me, I got it. Tarah stayed that night, Donovan came by to tell them about his mission call, and I sat, numb. She left the next day. I was too catatonic to move, but made plans to head out that next morning. I slept with her blanket (for weeks, until Lorraine begged me to wash it as it smelled of bad formula?? I just knew it was all I had left, that and her little snoopy) Instead of leaving Lorraine and Jan took me to the mall to go shopping. I was in threadbare jeans, t-shirt and scraggly flannel shirt, I thought I looked MARVELOUS! lol they thought other wise. The purchased the famous white dress that I wore to my first date with Donovan that Amanda tried on when she was 8 and had a hard time fitting. Anyway, long story short, or probably short story long, they felt I needed the gospel, and set that up. I felt that Nedra was the one on more than that night. It was to her husband Doug that Tarah put her arms up to that night. I guess she had not had a lot of experience with men and was curious? But I later learned that had she not done that Doug was ready to say no. I did not know this but they were having trouble and he did not want to commit. A week or two later on a Friday evening at 4:45 or 4:50 pm, the social worker in charge of the case called to say that Doug and Nedra were getting a divorce and it was all up in the air. Gene was livid, not sure what all he called her as I tuned out but the fact that she called to lay that little bomb in my lap late on a Friday when I would not get answers for several days did not sit well with him. However, I am getting sidetracked, my penchant for rambling and the fact that it is 4:16 am and I have not slept yet are all contributing factors I am sure.
OK, so Nedra and Doug had been in HI making their first million for several months prior to us showing up, hence, I needed to keep her for those months so that Nedra could be ready. Nedra turned 25 that week she divorced and CA law allowed her to adopt by herself at that age, Nedra had a dream about her mother that had passed telling her about her baby (she supposedly could not have kids) and Nedra bought an armoire for her daughter while in HI, with Doug telling her she was nuts (we were not in the pic yet).
So several things fell into the exact place they needed to fall for Nedra to be her adopted mother. I have a lot to say about all of it but I need to wrap this story up, but I do still feel strongly, despite everything, that Tarah was supposed to be with Nedra.
When I was taught the first lesson, the spirit hit me like a freight train, head to my toes it completely blinded me. I did not understand it at the time, however, I never doubted a word those young men said to me that day. I do not doubt that this is the true gospel. I have never doubted that any of it is true. I have not been active or involved for a lot of reasons, people, husband, circumstances, but I do not ever doubt that it is my weakness and not the gospel. Men are men, humans are humans, but God is true, He lives, He is there for me, and listens to me. He has proven time and again that when He needs to, He gets my attention if I am not listening to Him. My path to the gospel was not a normal route, but every decision and step lead me to Him. A road that was hard, but I am grateful I am here. I am grateful that He allowed me to have 4 more beautiful, fun, intelligent, independent, amazing girls in my life. I am grateful for every next day He allows me to learn and grow and discover more about how to be a good person, a caring, kind, compassionate, individual who looks outside of herself and cares about others. Who has yet another day to figure out the things I need to figure out.
I will read this over later, I am so tired, so I have no idea if I made any sense, but I hope so.
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