Day 26 - Your Religious Beliefs

I cannot watch the sunrise in the desert, the sunset over the water, see the trees - whether it is the 300-400 year old live oaks that I have fallen in love with, or the trees in any backyard when the wind blows thru them on a quiet night, the moon and stars shining brightly, the snow capped mountains and the frozen trees on that one special morning a year, without believing in a God. I understand that others have their individual thoughts but I just cannot imagine how anyone but a God could create all of this.

I have been blessed with faith that there is a God in Heaven Christ, and I believe the Holy Ghost whispers to my heart. I so wish I were a perfect example of a Christlike person, all, or even most of the time, but I am not. I hope that somewhere along the way I have helped or encouraged, listened or smiled, or was a positive something for someone when they needed it. Because trust me, I have had countless angels help me thru this life so far, and I have zero reason to think that will stop.

I do not know if I have ever expressed how much I KNOW my path to the church was sure. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father wanted me to meet the Brassfield family, and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I had no idea when my due date was as I had not been to the doctor. I spent 3 nights in jail to be told I could not go home at the end of it. I lived with my counselor in high school, Dennis Price, and his family. Gloria his wife, and 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl. I really adored them all, but they were not family. I was called and told that David Harold Peyton did not want anything from me or anything to do with me. I walked up the grocery store aisle because I saw my mother and she looked at me and walked by with out so much as a boo. I could not handle Hood River anymore. I talked to Candy when she called and she said she had a bus ticket waiting for me downtown. The bus station burned down, no record of a ticket. Jody helped me scrape together enough money for a one way train ticket to LA on Amtrak, under an assumed name, Lauren Crawford (Like you could do that today!). I rode 24 hours, alone, not a penny to my name, no food etc. and then stood in the LA train station without a clue as to what to do. After a minor freak out, I remembered that Bill Jones (Barrie and Larry's son lived in LA). I looked him up at the phone booth and low and behold he was listed. 1 collect call and baffled Bill later, he came to get me and took me to his place. What are your plans, don't know. When are you due, don't know.....you get the idea. Not even maternity clothes, just unbuttoning the top button of my overalls, yes, those were a thing back then lol. He had no idea what to do with me, I obviously could not stay long term, baby, no job etc. About 5 days after arriving I went into labor, no clue it was labor, just had to go to the bathroom, then again...lets go see. Off we went. Poor Bill was out of his league and mind with what to do...in LA, down Sepulveda Blvd. he is jumping out of his car and telling LA bumper to bumper traffic to please move he has a lady giving birth in the car! Funny to watch, even then. I see that as a miracle that I arrived and did not have her in HR, or on the train, or in the train station when the only person I knew close was not home. I was getting sick and the nurse told me it was close, I said I had changed my mind, she said it was too late. I do not know where Bill was put, but not with me. I gave birth to the first of my 5 perfect beautiful girls. I had no clue, still. I was in a room with 3 other women, and the one next to me told the doctor she had not gone poo yet so he said she had to stay, I of course lied my tush off and said I had. I had mentioned adoption to the nurse so she sent in a social worker. I told her I would like to do a private adoption. She told me, "You can walk across the street and give your baby to a dead nigger for all I care, but we do not do private adoptions at LA County." I will never forget those words as long as I live. I may not remember they were said to me when I get real bad, but I will always remember they were said. This is another incident I believe had to happen. I walked out of that awful place with my baby with me because there was no way I was leaving her with that monster. That lady may never had spoken those words before or since. She may have had a break down when she realized what she said, but without those words I would not have had Tarah for those precious months. Poor Bill was over his head and called in his sister for relief. I went home with Vicki and she set up an interview with a couple for me. They were so nice. I remember them telling me of what they envisioned for a daughter, and it sounded so idyllic. For some reason I could not do it, walking out with her was all it took. I wanted her, that was a no brainer, but I had known she was better off without me, in those circumstances, and I just deluded myself into thinking it would work out if I left with her in my arms. That perfect couple was Gene Brassfields neice and husband. Another way I know the result was to get me to them. Candy showed up to visit Vicki that night, she had not seen her in several years, but was in the neighborhood (coincidence? not a chance). Candy took me "home" my sister was a heroin addict at the time, 2 small children I had just turned 17 so Tanya was just turning 7 and Steven was 3-4 I think. Her "job" was a professional shoplifter that sold to a man that worked at the swap meet. My months with Candy could be a story in and of itself, but we will wait for that. Several months into the hotel hopping, failed attempts to get Candy to commit to treatment, thinking she would die from cotton fever when she refused to get help, her boyfriend Steve punching me in the face, my jewelry being stolen...the guy that owned the bar we went to next to the hotel (he allowed me to play pool if I did not drink) was a nice ole man. He was like a grandpa, he and his wife were really nice. He offered to put me up in a hotel so I could get out of the situation before it was really bad, before I was using, which I swore I would never do. He paid for a hotel with kitchenette, bought me diapers and food for Tarah and I, and set me up for a week. Said we would find something more permanent later.  He would come visit, we would watch TV or talk, he never once made a move on me and I truly thought he was just a nice guy helping out. 6 days into the stay I went out with little Joe, a biker from the club that Candy was associated with before Steve. Her friend Kay hooked me up. I remember so very little about the date. That is yet another story for another time. The next morning Cowboy never showed up to pay the rent (he had come to visit the night before but I was watching TV with little Joe, Kay and her ole man) I was kicked out, hiding behind the closed window did not help much. And was walking down the street with Tarah and everything I owned in one sack. No money, no idea what to do. I knew I could sleep on the street if needed, however, Tarah could not, should not. I called Vicki. She said she knew a couple, ok. I planned to go there for 1 night and allow Tarah to have a life and then .... We were introduced and Nedra and Doug asked if they could visit with Tarah alone. Gene took me into the living room and let his 3 grandkids climb all over me, asking me all of the questions that only 3 young ones can ask, it was crazy. He asked them to leave and looked at me and said, that is what it is going to be like, can you handle this? I thought he was such a bastard, I was calling him so many names in my head I lost count of them. Then, I understood what he was asking me, I got it. Tarah stayed that night, Donovan came by to tell them about his mission call, and I sat, numb. She left the next day. I was too catatonic to move, but made plans to head out that next morning. I slept with her blanket (for weeks, until Lorraine begged me to wash it as it smelled of bad formula?? I just knew it was all I had left, that and her little snoopy) Instead of leaving Lorraine and Jan took me to the mall to go shopping. I was in threadbare jeans, t-shirt and scraggly flannel shirt, I thought I looked MARVELOUS! lol they thought other wise. The purchased the famous white dress that I wore to my first date with Donovan that Amanda tried on when she was 8 and had a hard time fitting. Anyway, long story short, or probably short story long, they felt I needed the gospel, and set that up. I felt that Nedra was the one on more than that night. It was to her husband Doug that Tarah put her arms up to that night. I guess she had not had a lot of experience with men and was curious? But I later learned that had she not done that Doug was ready to say no. I did not know this but they were having trouble and he did not want to commit. A week or two later on a Friday evening at 4:45 or 4:50 pm, the social worker in charge of the case called to say that Doug and Nedra were getting a divorce and it was all up in the air. Gene was livid, not sure what all he called her as I tuned out but the fact that she called to lay that little bomb in my lap late on a Friday when I would not get answers for several days did not sit well with him. However, I am getting sidetracked, my penchant for rambling and the fact that it is 4:16 am and I have not slept yet are all contributing factors I am sure.

OK, so Nedra and Doug had been in HI making their first million for several months prior to us showing up, hence, I needed to keep her for those months so that Nedra could be ready. Nedra turned 25 that week she divorced and CA law allowed her to adopt by herself at that age, Nedra had a dream about her mother that had passed telling her about her baby (she supposedly could not have kids) and Nedra bought an armoire  for her daughter while in HI, with Doug telling her she was nuts (we were not in the pic yet).

So several things fell into the exact place they needed to fall for Nedra to be her adopted mother. I have a lot to say about all of it but I need to wrap this story up, but I do still feel strongly, despite everything, that Tarah was supposed to be with Nedra.

When I was taught the first lesson, the spirit hit me like a freight train, head to my toes it completely blinded me. I did not understand it at the time, however, I never doubted a word those young men said to me that day. I do not doubt that this is the true gospel. I have never doubted that any of it is true. I have not been active or involved for a lot of reasons, people, husband, circumstances, but I do not ever doubt that it is my weakness and not the gospel. Men are men, humans are humans, but God is true, He lives, He is there for me, and listens to me. He has proven time and again that when He needs to, He gets my attention if I am not listening to Him. My path to the gospel was not a normal route, but every decision and step lead me to Him. A road that was hard, but I am grateful I am here. I am grateful that He allowed me to have 4 more beautiful, fun, intelligent, independent, amazing girls in my life. I am grateful for every next day He allows me to learn and grow and discover more about how to be a good person, a caring, kind, compassionate, individual who looks outside of herself and cares about others. Who has yet another day to figure out the things I need to figure out.

I will read this over later, I am so tired, so I have no idea if I made any sense, but I hope so.