I am supposed to write letters/conversations to those in my past that I have dealt with, come up with a different outcome. I have been told that in the past also, about writing the story or imagine the outcome of the dream different than it did in the original scenario.
I had a dream last night, just the part that matters is that all of my girls were at home, and Donovan was holding a baby. He started to threaten to hurt the baby if I did not comply. I sent the girls to bedrooms - so as I used to think, they did not hear or know what was going on - unfortunately I thought I was protecting them...crazy that I truly believed it. Anyway, I told him to stop, that he was not going to hurt himself he was just being an idiot and he needed to stop and go away. No one wanted him to, however, if he wanted to hurt himself go for it, but leave the rest of us alone.
There is a problem with what I perceive to be the proper outcome I was looking for. Mainly that now that I am supposed to redo and find what I should have done, all of the guilt that I have carried comes to the surface with a vengeance because I did not protect my babies. I am supposed to get rid of the guilt, I did the best I could with what I had blah blah blah, but head and heart do not match, and I cannot imagine a day when they will. So with that knowledge I imagine I will have to come to some sort of you cannot change it so let it be conclusion.
Somehow I do not think that is what my therapist will want to hear tomorrow...but who knows lol
No comments:
Post a Comment