Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!!

I bet you thought this was going to be about something I need to make a decision about...

Got ya!!

This is about the fact that I cannot make a decision. This is not a surprise to anyone that knows me.

People ask me where I want to go eat or what I want to eat and I dislike this question immensely because I say I do not know, or do not care and that is frustrating for them. However, I truly could care less what I eat or if I eat most of the time. If I am hungry or craving something I will let you know, otherwise, choose, I DO NOT CARE!!

When I was married I made little to no decisions for myself. I did not decide where we lived, how we decorated -  hung the pictures, how to spend the money, I even had to change the way I was shaving my legs. The lack of decision making probably does not come as a surprise to anyone, but the depth of the lack of decision making may. When I slept, when I was awake, when we ate, what we ate, what outfit I would wear to a particular place, when I could shop, what to buy, what to cook and the list goes on and on. I would not be able to clean, so that I could hear how poor of a housekeeper I was. And again, the list goes on and on.

Everyone knows I had a baby at a young age. When I married I told my husband that when we had children we needed to tell them about their sister, no. They are old enough, now? No. I am learning more about her, now? No. I am at Wal-Mart, working a graveyard, and my girls call me up all excited because they have a half sister. Imagine how I felt standing in front of everyone in the fitting room. I not only was told no repeatedly, but when the time came, I was not only not consulted, but not even present. And to top it off with a cherry, he had them call me at work to tell me. 

When Amanda was 8, we were going thru some seriously rocky times. The baptism was a mess. He did not like the mother of whom Amanda would be baptized with so he had her sit out and wait and they had to hold a special one. Which Amanda was worthy of a special one, but who on earth could feel the spirit after that show?   He also walked all of the girls down to McDonald's for her birthday. Then went to a phone booth and called me. He said many choice words, and offered up many threats about what he would do to my babies if I came to join them. Then of course called them over and told Amanda that mommy will not come down, maybe she could talk me into it. Amanda was crying and begging me to come for her birthday and I had to tell her I could not, that something else had come up. 

Two reasons for sharing some of the stories that I have been sharing. One, I tore up countless journals over the years because who wants to read all of this depressing crap?? I missed the opportunity to give my girls a stable loving home and childhood, then I missed the opportunity to allow them a real glimpse into my life and decisions I made. Those decisions might have helped them know what I was truly thinking at any given moment. There are specific situations that stick out in my girls minds, those may have been different than their perspective showed them. Now they will not know, unless I can remember. The other is that I am now working on trying to make decisions. 

This probably sounds easy to some, how hard can it be??? However, when I first moved out I had to sit down every time the mail came and ask myself, can I pay this bill? It was not a matter of money. (It is amazing how much money you can have when not paying for alcohol and drugs, or phone cards to call your girlfriends). And yes, I fully realize that the lack of respect anyone may have for me may go completely out the window after reading about what a true sap I was, but I need to write anyway.

So, my therapist that I see weekly has asked me to decide what I do care about, what I want. I now have the control to do what I want, and I have had, but for 10 years I have just been surviving in a different way than I was surviving in my marriage, but still not fully living yet. We started with my room. Small baby steps, and I only have a room not a house lol. So, my bed. I do not care if my bed is made. I think the bedroom looks cleaner, nicer if it is made but I could care less. So, if I do not want to make it, I will not make it. I do however love clean sheets. So since I vary on laundry depending on others, it could be once a week, once a week and a half or once every 4 days...so I put on my list that I will wash sheets every time I do laundry to cover it. I have also gotten into a really bad habit of leaving the clothes in the basket and getting dressed out of that, this I dislike. So my choice is to put them away within one day of washing. This will make me happier and feel better. And so it goes. I will not make you go thru my entire list with me, but this is what I am doing. I am taking control of my everyday decisions, little to big, and realizing that I can make decisions and take control of living!