Day 30 - What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month

I think what changed this month (and last month) was that I started seeing doctors for every last little ache and pain that I have ever had - mentally and physically.  I hope that next month I have fewer appts.!!!

OK, what changed this month - I had some eye opening things said to me which in all fairness has probably been said many times before in different ways, or possibly the same way. However, because I am seeing 3 different head doctors, I believe I heard this time. Enough to know that I screwed up royally, in my opinion.

Next month, I hope that I can continue working thru my issues and learning things to help me be more kind, and positive, and to listen better, be more aware of others and not just focus on myself. I have hw for school, and I have hw with my one therapist that I see weekly, so I do hope I get some where.


This week I have been so sick I have slept for approx. 22 hours a day for at least 4 days. Tomorrow is beginning of finals week and I have Physical Therapy in the morning, land so always harder than water, and then I am going to read/play/sleep for fun!!!

Day 29 - A Picture of Yourself

Since this is not a photography challenge anymore I assume this is more of a verbal description.

I am a 52 year old single mother and grandmother. I am a full-time student with a 3.74 GPA in the last year +. Not bad for someone that has always considered herself less than intelligent, and not smart enough to even hold conversations with those that I consider are. Someone that feels she has nothing to add to any conversation, work project, or social setting. Someone who lacks confidence in social settings to the point of panic that someone may ask me a question that I cannot answer or will sound dumb doing so, or that will just fumble because they are someone I figure is better than me. I am someone that has good intentions but rarely follows thru for one reason or another. Someone that I consider selfish in so many ways. Someone that I felt tried, but when I look back, I feel differently. Someone that is trying to fix the negative thoughts in the way that others think I should, and that supposedly will help. I am trying to fix the physical items as well so I can live longer to see my kids accomplish so much more than I ever dreamed possible for them, and become so much more than I could have hoped for. To watch my grandkids do even more than their parents because they can be better than them even. Although they will have to reach for the stars for that.

Day 23 - Something you always think what if about

You cannot go back, you cannot change and if you get stuck in the past you will be screwed.

However, if I were to answer I will say that I have thought multiple times, what if I had stayed in school, went to college when I was supposed to, not married Donovan, if I had married Scott instead. Although if I would have stayed in school I would not have even met Scott or Donovan, I would not have my babies...so no what ifs.

What if....I were not getting help to be better tomorrow, more sane than I am today...I would be in the same ole place as today

Day 28 - The month you were happiest this year and why

Well it is January, so this is a bit ridiculous...But I cannot say January, and I hope there are better months than this one!!

Day 27 - Talk about your siblings

Angela - A wee bit crazy. I could say it was all the morphine and oxycodone but she was always a bit nuts, talks a lot, thinks she is right, shops like no ones business and will not listen to any other human alive that no one needs or wants any of it. Has a huge heart, would give you the shirt off of her back. Helps as many as she can. She means well regardless of how she comes across.


Michele - The most together of my sisters in my opinion. She is a very hard worker. She spends a lot of money, on family and herself. I adore many things about my sister. I do not know a lot about any of my sisters, but the least about Michele.


Candace - the sister closest to me in age. My sister steps up, mans up, and takes responsibility for her screw ups, always has. She never once wavered and tried to get out of it by blaming someone else or just playing dumb. She admitted it right off and took the consequences. She protected me when her boyfriend punched me. She was downstairs in the parking lot and came flying up in maybe 2 steps to jump in and push him away. All of 80 pounds dripping wet and she did not take any crap, or take any time to step in for me, yet would not for herself.

Day 25 - 10 Ways to win your heart

1 - Be genuinely kind to everyone and everything all of the time

2 - Make me laugh, not cry

3 - Protect me, do not make me need protection from you

4 - Love my babies and family the same way

5 - Be there for me and my family - because you want to

6 - Dishes, laundry, flowers, kind words, for no reason at all

7 - Surprise me

8 - Have your self together, like I should at this age

9 - Enjoy life, fun, relaxing, being together but by yourself and be okay with it all

10 - Support me and help me grow and improve, always backing me up and being there as my cheer squad

Day 24 - Things you want to say to 5 different people

This may be easy or extremely difficult

1 - I am wrong, I have been wrong, I was wrong, I do not remember something very traumatic to you and that makes me more way wrong despite the reasons in my own life, there are no excuses, no justifications, I was wrong, I missed the opportunity because I did not take the time to understand and I was wrong, I would like to go back and make it different but unfortunately not only is that impossible but if life and circumstances were still the same and making me crazy I would more than likely say the same thing, and it would be just as wrong now as it was then. The things that were said to me as a young adult and adult from the people that should be the ones not to say those things, made we want to NEVER hurt those in my life that I loved. I wanted to communicate as I never had, I wanted to listen like no one ever did, I wanted to encourage and love and cheer and strengthen as never had been done before. I wanted to be the I can always go to person...It pains me that I was not. I blamed others for missed opportunities, stolen opportunities, sabotage, and there may have been those, but I screwed up all on my own. I take full responsibility. The more I learn the less I know. The more I learn the less I like. The more I work on getting un-numb to see the mistakes the more I pray for the numbness. No one or nothing is to blame, this is me standing up taking responsibility, I was wrong. I am sorry.


2 - I would love to know if there is anything I could do to make you respect me. Anything that would make you think of me as you do your friends kids. I would love to know if I can ever change your opinion about me, or make you think of anything but me as a child. Are you really what they say you are? Is it about us or about you? Any chance you will every not put me down, or talk poorly about me to your friends? Do you do that all of the time? Why? What do you get from that? Do you want me here??


3 - Where to begin. Is there any part of you that is ready to take responsibility? Any part of you that feels any remorse, sadness, pain, anything, about what you did to your girls, others? Any part of you that ever wanted a happy normal (as normal as can be with 2 messed up individuals starting it) life with us? Any part of you that could have ever thought you would be committing such heinous acts, on your own children no less? Could you explain any part of the last 35 years?  Do you have any idea what you have done? Any chance that you think you could ever contact us and be met with less than rage, pain, hurt, fear, a weapon? Did you feel like the big man in prison lying about what you did? Do you plan on hurting anyone else? Do you believe you could be in a situation where you would not hurt anyone now? Did you get help? Have you sought any counseling? How would that even be possible with not admitting or taking responsibility for what you have done??


4 - Did you know how much you helped me over and over and over again? Do you know how much I appreciate the time you spent helping my children, giving them what they did not get at home? do you know how very much you are missed in our lives, in every ones lives? Do you know how much I admired you? How much I appreciated your example. How much you showed us all that even when you have a troubled upbringing and make mistakes as an adult that you can say I am sorry and try to improve yourself. There is time to change and improve until the very last minute on earth. I know how many times I have personally cried over your absence, I cannot even imagine how many tears have been shed over you. I hope you know how loved you were. I hope even more than now you knew when you were here how much we loved and admired you.  I have tried to keep up with your babies for you. You are in them in so many ways. I love your family. I hope you and your mom are dancing all across the sky. Give my baby, Kimberly's baby, and all of our loved ones a hug for us, watch over them.


5 -

Better Late Than Never

Ok, so the dreaded Mammogram....When you are 40 you should start. Lots of excuses not to, but none of them were good. You are not old enough to get started, at your age they would not even give you one as you still have elasticity in your skin. However, I saw the emails about practicing for one, laying on the driveway and having the car back over it again and again, or placing it in the refrigerator door and slamming it over and over...they were funny, but you get the idea. Did not look forward to it, but in all honestly, it really was not that bad. Was way quick and the pressure was not at all bad. the worst part of it was the skin under the armpit and top of stomach...and that was not even bad for more than a second, hold breath, let it out, you are done! So do not delay. 40 years old!!

Thoughts

I feel like I keep up on my blog, but then I get on and I have not written in 2 days, well since it is 3 in the morning I think I could say it was technically just one...but time just gets away from me.

I have appts. every day it seems. Friday I had an eye appt. I was supposed to get an injection but he wanted to wait until next time since this one seemed to be doing well. He has done wonders with my eye. My left eye was 20/150 when I started seeing him, and it was 20/40 on Friday!! So excited about that and the possibility that this may be "curable" for when it happens again. I do feel like it will happen again as they do not know what caused it.  I have physical therapy appts. 2-3 times a week. Land and water therapy. I have been seeing 2 different therapists, one is a behavior specialist and one a counselor?? and I have been seeing a psychiatrist, and a lady doctor, getting upper GI's done, knee x-rays done, mammogram done (well it is in 8 hours so I am counting it done) and the list seems to go on and on. This makes me cranky. I do not like so many appts. I most certainly do not like doctors poking around so much, and I do not like leaving the house so much. I miss the days that Eva had appts. and I got to stay home!

I also read a blog entry that makes me extremely sad. I may be vain to think that it is about me, but I cannot imagine it not being about me. I feel like I did not express myself well, and only got to say a quarter of what I wanted to express before I was asked not to continue. I am sure they thought I had said way too much, and I am frustrated because I communicate so poorly, it has always taken several times for me to get out even a fragment of what I want to say, and to get it correctly, how I was thinking it. I truly hope I will have another chance in this lifetime to slowly and thoughtfully explain what I was trying to express. Being on different sides of a topic does not have to make us enemies. I know for a fact that you do not believe or even like everything I do, I do not believe that anyone on the planet can say that. Even those we love fiercely have annoying habits and beliefs that we accept because we love them. I love from afar, I miss from afar, I mourn from afar. I will respect the boundaries set, although it is very hard for me. I will respect them until you believe that you can once again have me around. I cannot wait for that day. We will not be exactly the same on that day either, but I will not love you any less than I do today. I am and will be as proud of you then as I am now. One day, perhaps, you will experience this with someone else, and you will come to understand that you can accept, love, respect, believe in, and love beyond understanding that person without agreeing with everything they say.

My mind will not shut down tonight. I am tired, I was tired 5 hours ago. I did however need to finish my homework which took until 3 hours ago, but then I tried to sleep. then I thought of what I need to accomplish for the lawyer, that is weeks over due because I cannot seem to finish it. A lifetime of events to explain, a lifetime of pain and sorrow and joy and fulfillment, of wonderful and awful, of gain and loss...ahhhh, overload.

I do know that I love my girls. I love them each so differently because they are so individual. I love my grandkids the same way. I could not have imagined I could love them so very very much, but they and my girls are in my head and heart always. I am so grateful I still have my parents. I selfishly do not want my mother to proceed me in death, however this means she will need to live to be 130 because I will not be ready to go in the next decade or so, I am just getting started!

OK, enough is enough is enough...time to try again for sleep.

Day 22 - Slow Sync Flash and 10 Things about you that people do not really expect

I understand that we said we did not have to do the photography ones if we did not want to, but I have found out what different kinds of photography mean, and I have seen some awesome pics.

OK, hard to top the colorful bird in flight, but lets give it a whirl.

1. For me to walk fast thru a store
2. For me to play mine craft
3. That I ... I have no idea, I do not think I am that mysterious

Day 21 - Water Splash and Something you cannot seem to get over

this one is similar to the one we did not to long ago, although I cannot remember the name of it without looking. And this will probably show up as day 22, but since I have not gone to bed yet it is still today. (just sayin)

This pic is a wee bit wicked (awful, skin crawling) but I could not look away! Actually I was drawn to it because of Amanda. She had a thing about eyes, eyes and smile are what I look at first, and she and I agreed that we would not like anything coming at our eye (although I have had to get over that in a big way!) but we would have had a conversation about this pic I am sure. I am about to insert it, but I am still not sure if I love it, or it creeps me out...which one rules??

I go with creeps me out, looks like the eyeball is coming out  with the water. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Ok this next part is just as bad. Not sure I like some of the questions on this challenge.

There are some things that I will absolutely NEVER get over, and some I do not think I should get over. Tarah, is my number 1 never get over and never should get over. I never want to forget one minute of my time with her, never forget the wonderful things I have heard about her from different people, never forget being told that she kept asking who gave her those size 9 feet!!, never forget that feeling of her being in the temple with me. I never want to forget any of it, even the parts that make me feel as if someone is ripping my chest open with a dull spoon and taking my heart. I never want to forget the moment that I handed her to Doug and Nedra, or the weeks/months I kept her blanket with me and held on to it like it was all that was keeping me in place on this earth. I probably should but never will forget the moment the lawyer told me it was CA law that the birth mother hand the baby over to the adopted mother when the final signature was in place, even though they had already had her for several weeks. So she was handed to me, and then I had to turn around and give her away AGAIN. No, that was not like a billion knives with poison piercing every inch of your skin. I will never forget the day that I received a call telling me that she was gone...... No, I will NEVER EVER forget that, and NEVER EVER Get over that, never should.



And Donovan and details I will never get over but should get over to a certain extent. Hard to say. I do not believe I should ever get over something so painful because if it were not so painful I might get involved in it again (not Donovan) just saying that about awful things in your life. Forgive if you are able, but never forget that you never want that person or act in your life again. I believe that you should try to forget the harm because you could not survive if you did not try to do that. That is what counseling is, right? Working thru all of the things that are so painful that they keep us from wanting to feel anything, even at the expense of not feeling the good? Working on trying to live? Working on trying to enjoy living? We need to live, we need to love, we need to laugh. Some days that is asking a whole hell of a lot, but we need to, we should want to, we should rearrange our life if we do not want to.

Day 20 - Depth and the last argument you had

Well, this is not a good one for me. I found a good pic but I try hard not to argue. I know I cause them by my inability to shut my mouth, or doing or not doing things, however, I try not to be in any sort of confrontation, it makes me nauseous. However, I cannot remember the last that I would consider an argument other then October 17th 2005, with Donovan. I have had people get upset, and may label it as an argument, but since I was not engaged in "an argument" I do not consider that. I do not count wanting to punch my psychiatrist either because I did not tell him, I am saving that for my next appt!

Day 19 - Panorama and Something that never fails to make you feel better

This is the view from Panorama Point Hood River Oregon...get it... lol

Something that never fails to make me feel better...laughing. If you can find something to laugh at, you are golden. I had a rough counseling session today, I blew out of there when it was over and sat on the bench in front trying to breath, I have been told I hold my breath when I am upset. I got it together and got in the car and Eva and I just started talking about grocery shopping and cars and people etc, she knows to not ask me, but always lets me know she is there if I want, but if I do not start talking about it right away she knows not to ask, and she gets me laughing.
It was really good to talk before I started this and to make the ground rules because they really help.

And I would also say, Hallmark movies, movie days with family home or out. I will not include game nights with family, although, we have had some great and funny times, but it is not 100% so that is only mostly on the list. Anyway...trees, looking walking under, seeing...they make be happy. I included a pic of a street of live oaks meeting in the middle here. One day I drove up and down that street 4-5 times, and all was well...Nature can do wonders.

Life Insurance

I cannot stress enough how important it is, especially for the married with children, children, that you have life insurance. We never want to use it, never want anything but way way way old ages, but please make sure you carry life insurance. Term Life is not expensive at your ages, start now. Please

Lego Christmas Tree at Exxon

So the Exxon campus is truly amazing. They have everything you could imagine. The "cafeteria" reminded me of the one at Joel's place of business in Provo. But they have it on a larger scale? It is spread out to a larger area, and each separate "cafeteria, restaurant" is larger. But same concept. Barbers, Banks, Gift Shops, Small grocery store, and the list goes on. They do get stuck there from time to time, like Monday of this week they were advised not to leave campus until the tornado warning had passed, there were 2 warnings that day so....anyway. They have the buildings labeled differently, one is elements, one is ...I do not remember lol However each building has their own color theme. One is blue, one is green, etc. So the carpet, paintings, trash cans, everything compliment the color theme. Each building also has their own theme for Christmas. We walked to just a few of the buildings. 1.7 miles if anyone is counting - although that was probably just me!

One building had a lego theme. My phone was of course missing so I asked Mike to take a picture. he only sent me 2 but I will ask for the others. Keep in mind that the theme of the Christmas tree was also on the planters etc. so one tree had blue ornaments/theme so the planters in the room were the same material and color, it was really quite spectacular for those that love Christmas. So even though I do not have pictures the planters and things in the lego room were all lego and was way cool!!

This is going up the middle of the tree, on all 2 sides of the base and middle. You can see the tree base and stand in the lower picture. You can see the plants in the planters but not the planters...

Thousands, millions?? of legos to this tree, and the color on each ring is lego people. Every job in the world was represented I think. There were carpenter people and sports people etc. It was so cool. I do not know if they had a Christmas tree at lego land when you guys went but I thought this was worth sharing. 

Day 16 - Balanced and 3 things you are proud of about your personality

I liked the balance, and peacefulness of this one, Rowing is probably a very good way to keep your strength up.


3 things...

• I refuse to give up on school, even though I will probably never make a career out of it at this point

• I drink a lot of water, I gave up drinking all the unhealthy stuff

• I....have no idea!!!!  Oh I know, I love how easily I make a decision when needed!!!!! HA

Day 17 - Unbalanced and things that make you scared

OK, I was thinking of that picture that has the rocks on top of one another for balanced, and assumed there was one like that for unbalanced. There were some awesome pictures to be found, but this one made me laugh! I am not sure where this was taken but oh man do I wish I had an electronic copy of our car/trailer and flatbed truck/jeep loaded to the gills from Washington to Utah, what a gypsy caravan we made. So because it made me laugh and think of something I could relate to, I chose this:

Yep, perfect.

Things that scare me, well. The tornado warnings since I have been in TX have not been calm moments for me. Especially when Rob's fiance's kids were in one and the house was scrap except the bathroom that they were in. Too close to home for this non tornado loving girl.

Finding a bug in my garment drawer, scary, and then angering!

losing my parents

losing kids

never seeing my family again except on video chat

getting married again

not getting married again

car accidents

moths

big snakes

I think that is enough for this one!!

Day 18 - Frame within a frame and disrespecting parents

Love the red  rock and this type of scenes from Utah, some of the most beautiful views. I have been blessed that I have been able to find some beauty in every city/state I have been in. Not always as a whole, but there are so many gorgeous, breathtaking scenes in life, on this earth. Love it!!

I hope Kimberly puts her picture of a person holding a frame, holding a pic in a frame, or whatever, I cannot remember the whole thing but I love that and think we should do that!!

Disrespecting parents - so am I supposed to name a pair of disrespecting parents? Am I supposed to put down all of the things I did to disrespect my parents? Am I supposed to write ways to disrespect parents?? Or give a diatribe about how one should not disrespect parents??

Because I could do all of the above, unfortunately. I wish I could say that I never once disrespected my parents, I wish I could say that I was never rude, uncaring, un-compassionate, or took them for granted, but this would be a lie.

I wish I had never done those things, because regardless of my thoughts on whether they were perfect (which of course none of us can be) then I would not have residual guilt and regret over having done so. Every parent tells their kids a version of, life goes fast, when you have kids do not stress, just enjoy. Or, make good friends, make friends that truly are good people and want to be better, that do not disrespect animals or people or property, because you act and do the things your friends do. If you out grow your friends one way or the other you will find more that suit your needs, if you started down a destructive path with friends then wanted to keep going and they did not, you find friends that do. That accept you for you.....

Life goes by so freakin fast, beyond fast, and let me tell you, it is getting faster. Do not miss opportunities to help someone that needs it. Do not disrespect your parents because it is almost gone, will be gone before I blink too many more times. Do not disrespect anyone, there is no time to hate. It only makes you feel bad. 9 out of 10 times or higher you could confront the person and they have not been affected one bit by your reaction.

I am trying to be more loving, caring, kind, attentive. Really paying attention to every small act that I do, or missed an opportunity to do. If you think about visiting/calling/writing someone, do not delay, blink of an eye.....

Day 15 - Colorful Water Drops and the best thing to happen to you this week

So there were a lot of water drops with a lot of color, but this single, all be it huge, water drop caught my eye. You can hear the plunk into the water and it rising up, and just about to return to that ripple free zone before it was disturbed by someone wanting a picture of it!!


The best thing to happen to me this week, I love the times I talk to my family, and it seems I got a few of those this week, which make my entire day/week so much better!!!

However, this week I received my blood work back and my numbers are "optimal" they said.
There was a time when I did not care at what age I had a heart attack, but I have so much to live for that I really do care. So despite the previous damage to my body I am trying hard to see doctors and repair/reverse damage I have done for so long. My blood sugar and cholesterol are average or below, all of my numbers were amazing. Which, when you look at me you would not guess. Every doctor I go to asks me if I have high blood pressure or diabetes, and who could blame them. But I do not, and I am beyond thrilled and grateful for this. I feel like I have been give a second (although probably more like a thousand ith) chance to really turn this around and be ok for quite a while to enjoy my family! Very good week indeed!!!!

Day 14 - Light Painting and something disgusting you do

OK, when I looked up light painting photography I found some awesome pics. I chose this one because it drew my eye, and it came back to it. I love that he is holding it up and off of him but it is surrounding everything around him. A lot of things in life seem to do that no matter how hard we try to fight them off and out of our lives.

Something disgusting I do...well if I know that it is disgusting I stop it??!! I do not like disgusting things but I know that each of us feel different about what is and isn't disgusting or what bothers us. I have learned that some do not feel that ... well, never mind, this is about my habits. OK, I guess that the most disgusting thing I do is blow my nose in the shower. I try not to, but there are times that I have no choice when allergies or cold are so prominent in my life. Saying it...it is more disgusting than I think it is when I am trying to declog...I will have to think about this. Do they have water resistant Kleenex?? This would indeed solve the issue.

Losing Things

Now, those of you that know me, know that I lose my phone on average, once a week, sometimes it is two. I can deal with that because I have email and a tablet, well now an iPad mini as my tablet seems to have gone belly up. But I have now managed to lose the TV remote. This not only perplexes me as there are only so many feet it can crawl, fly, or scoot away from the comfort of my handy dandy remote pocket on my chair - as you can see below.

I have looked in trash can, under, in and around chair, under bed and stands etc etc etc. It has run away and hidden very well indeed!! Help, Help, Help...I need velcro all of the important things to me!

Things you want to say to an ex - Donovan's Turn

Kimberly, I asked Troy if we could go to the prison at one point and ask him why...we talked about it, both of us had been thinking about it, but we never followed thru, I am guessing that I missed that boat since I have no plans to visit in the next 4 months.

•  I would ask why 
• I would ask after everything we talked about with his dad and others and the vehemence which he displayed when talking about it (red flag btw) why he would do this to anyone, much less his own babies, I do not understand. 
• I would ask why he did every destructive thing possibly and imaginable to us as a family when he had training/counseling/legal drugs/option after option to learn how to be as better as he claimed he wanted to be. 
• Why he would allow the sickness that he claimed ruined his life and he would not wish on anyone, did he inflict it on everyone that supported and loved him. 
• Why would he just even think that what he was doing was ok enough to do it? 
• Why would he think he could get away with it for any length of time?? 
• How did he feel knowing all he knew about lives he destroyed time and time again? 
• How does he live with himself? 
• Does he even own up to all he has done yet? A strategic confession in front of the prison judge whom he thought would gain him favor is not any sort of remorse. 
• Does he feel remorse? 
• Does he wish he could go back and never do it, not because he is in jail but because he feels something about it??? 
• I do not understand, I just do not. 

I do not have the right to utter the words, I would not do anything on purpose to hurt my girls, when I stayed or went back so many times, but I truly would not intentionally do anything that I know would break my girls hearts. I do not understand doing anything so heinous, deliberate, sickening, to someone I loved, someone I was supposed to protect.   Enough, I will never have the answers I seek because there are no answers, rhymes or reasons...  

Day 13 - Dynamic Tension and A Date You Would Love To Go On

Why this is Dynamic Tension, I have no idea, but I like it.

I went up a set of stairs at the San Antonio Museum of Art, and I took a picture from the top, looked similar to this. One of these days I will get the flash drive in and take the pics from there!!

A date I would love to go on....Football Game, Baseball Game, Cabin in the Woods - not to be slaughtered like a creepy horror movie type cabin - a tree / water surrounded type cabin with picnic and enjoying nature, Theatre - play and fancy dinner, not dinner theatre - although that would be cool also, Symphony, shooting, Museums, yep, those are some great dates

Day 12 - Portrait and Things you want to say to an ex...oh boy!!

Me and my new main squeeze!

There are truly a million things I would like to say to my ex. From why to WTF????

And a lot in between, but no one needs to hear all of those questions going thru my head over and over and over, and I hope no one every asks the question, what do you think your kids would like to ask you either.

I think I will go back to Gary, this is always a much safer person to refer to as my ex, because I squashed that possible relationship before it could or could not have been one.

• I would love to ask him if he ever thinks of me - the fact that Stacey found a pic of me and Tarah in his underwear drawer suggests that he did, although she never even knew we were acquaintances
• I would love to ask him if it would have made a difference if I would have told him about Tarah when I was pregnant (or more specifically our baby when I was pregnant)
• I would like to ask if he has any regrets in regards to me/Tarah/not being given the chance to do it differently, would he do it differently (version of above question)
• I would love to hear about his business and life he has made for himself in Oklahoma, and love to hear that he is beyond happy, finally settled down and living life.

Day 11 - Landscape and How Being Single Is

So, in all honesty, if I looked I could probably find a thousand pics of Mt. Hood, but rather than looking I found one I liked online. I do like it.

How being single is, well lonely at times. I entertain myself by having sole possession of the remote control, very important (name that movie), I do not have to check with anyone about when to go, where to go, how to go, if to go, I can make my own decisions (if I only could make one lol) There are a lot of perks, and I guess loneliness is the only downside. It is weird the things that I miss. I sit in church and watch couples scratch each others backs or run their fingers thru their hair and I miss that. I miss not having someone to tell every little thing to whether they are listening or not. Eva listens but she glazes over, or is sick and I ask her, not even tell her my stuff. So there...good and bad. But when I see the garbage other couples go thru, money issues with spouse, habits that annoy the other, little items that couples fight over....and I am ok for now. Until I start liking other people more anyway lol

Day 10 - Lens Flare and Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol

Again, I looked it up and the internet is where I went ... at least there are cool pics

My views on Drugs and Alcohol

Some people do not listen to those that have a different opinion, because they feel they have not experienced exactly what they are going through, and therefore could never understand why they use drugs and alcohol. I say rubbish. For one, I feel that my opinion can be listened to for several reasons.

• I have used all kinds of drugs and alcohol and remember the effects well (I say this because when Bruce tried experiencing different substances to experience life, he discounted my views because I was sheltered and did not understand drugs. When I gave him a list of what I had used and experienced he looked at me and said, ok, you do know, and basically said, what else do you have to say. He discounted what I had to say before knowing, because he thought I could not possibly understand)
• I have been around those that drink, do drugs and have seen a great deal of different reactions, good and bad, and as bad as it gets.
• I have experienced a parent, a sibling, a spouse, myself, friends....pretty much everyone in every station of my life

So that said, I feel I can say with great confidence that drugs and alcohol can ruin lives. Period. I do not care how recreational you think it is, how unharmful you think it is, how individual you think it is...etc etc etc. It will and is effecting you and those around you. If you are all lost in the same haze of it, it may be a while before you wake up and see differently, but one day I hope you have the chance to wake up, many many many do not. 

Day 9 - Bokeh and Your Last Kiss

I looked up the word Bokeh, and since I doubt my phone has this capability, and I would not know how to use it if I did...so internet it is. I loved this pic best out of all that was listed. I love music, I love orchestra, and I loved hearing my daughters play.

My last kiss, I feel that this should be something that should not be talked about once written...

I quit kissing my ex a long long time before I divorced. I did not like him, I did not like the things he did or said, and I felt that way forever before I found out how truly heinous he was. So that said, I did kiss a co-worker at one point, and that is all I will say about that!

It has still been way way way to freaking long!!!

Day 8 - Sunset - I choose Sunrise! and Something You are Currently Worrying About

I chose sunrise for several reasons, 1 this is a picture of the sunrise in Oregon, OR and WA are some of the most beautiful sunrises I have seen, although the one aspect of where Dad Larry lives in CA that is the redeeming quality I have found there, but I loved this one. I am always heartbroken when I drive away from my parents home, my home. I never know if it is the last time I will see them or not. As I get older and lose person after person in my own age group, I really understand how blessed I am that both of my parents are still living. I do not wish to not be present more consistently in the next few years after school is over. But sunrise is a new beginning, a new day to make it better, be better, than you were the day before. I like beginnings and not ends.

Something I am currently worried about...oh how much room do I have to type. My family is forever on the front of this list. My girls are doing as well as I could possibly have hoped for, and quite a lot better than I thought given the garbage they had to wade through their entire childhoods. The choices that they have made have proven that they are a ton smarter and more resilient that I ever was or have been. I LOVE THIS!!!! As a mother I could not be more proud of them, each of them and their level of discovery and skills, work and family, despite the differences - of which are many because of them being their own individuals, as it should be - I love each and every one of them with all of my heart, and I am very proud of the women they have become and are continuing to become. They will realize as their children grow that no matter how old, a baby is a baby and forever in your heart and mind.

Health, parents - all of them - what my life will look like when school ends, money, job, location, separation from family, oh my oh my the list is long!

Day 7 - Silhouette and your opinion on cheating on people

As the giraffe incident taught us, my selfie and camera taking skills need some work. So that said...here is the attempt at silhouette:

My opinion on cheating on people, do not do it. Every situation of cheating/infidelity has a unique story behind it/reasons/excuses/justifications. But in every instance, there is time to decide. You do not just jump on a stranger. You may become to close to a co-worker or friend etc. You spend too much time with someone and connect with them, and disaster happens in a vulnerable moment when you least expect it, or maybe you want it so you create circumstances where it could happen. No matter the situation, you have time to stop it, or not ever start it. We can all decide what decisions we will make.

Day 6 - Low Angle and the person you like and why you like them

Both of these are low angle pics that I like, the bottom one for obvious reasons - 2 of them!!

OK, here is what I will like about the next person I like:

• They are kind to everyone and everything, no exceptions
• They are sensitive to the needs of others at all times
• They are willing to help others when needed and without being needed if necessary
• They protect me, and those I love at all costs, no exceptions
• They want to love and take care of me and those that I love
• They value honor, they do not make false promises, their word means something

Day 5 - High Angle, and 5 things that irritate you about the same/opposite sex

The high angle I have spent 45 minutes looking for are the pictures I took while up on top of the St. Louis Arch. The Gateway Arch is a 630-foot (192 m) monument in St. Louis in the U.S. state of Missouri.

But since I do not have that...I will add 2 pics from Michael's collection, do you see the fear in my eyes?

5 things that irritate me...in everyone...myself included

• meanies (and I feel young and naive thinking there could be a day without evil, so meanies seemed to fit)
• thinking you are the only one on the road and can turn left when you are in the right hand lane or vice versa, or cut across 4 lanes to get to the exit, cutting everyone off instead of saying, oops, I messed up, I better go to next exit
• Talking about people, I have done it, still slip and do it, but I dislike it very very much. It is rude and uncalled for and needs to stop
• This is about me - but I am sure that at times in my life it has happened to me because of others doing the same thing. Not following through to the end. Leaving things undone either not started, halfway, or just a little left. Christina had a cross stitch started when she was born, not finished. Not sure where it is now...just one example
• Same line of thinking, saying not doing. Promising not following through. and on and on and on

Day 4 - Texture and What you wear to bed

Now that is a picture full of texture!!

We went to the aquarium and I love the big ones, they looked like the tree of life. I think they are so very amazing looking. 

I wear pajamas to bed. I have twice as many pajamas as I do clothes and I am ready to buy more! Can never get enough soft wonderfully comfortable pjs. I also love the ones with pockets. I have really liked the floor length dress type ones that Kimberly found, I have 3 of those. Pajamas Pajamas Pajamas rule the universe! 

Day 3 - Black and White and what kind of person attract you

I do not know how to do black and white on my phone, so I went to the Internet. May be against the rules but there are some stunning black and whites that needed to be used!

So beautiful! My love of trees in black and white, good things.

So, the kind of person I am attracted to?? I am attracted to all of the wrong things. I am attracted to hair, eyes, smiles, motorcycles, jeans lol, I really need to focus more on jobs, or family men, not to family but enough to show compassion and caring, not enough that we cannot do anything without them, I feel young in my head and feel like I can still date like I used to but the thought of getting back out in the world is very daunting to me. I feel like it has to be someone that is dropped in my line of sight, we talk on a friendly basis for a year or two until I am comfortable and then it evolves ROFL!! ok, I no longer have time for this, I am an old fart. However, it would make it easier!

Day 2 - Rule of Thirds and How I have changed in the last 2 years

this is a horrible pic, (I had just finished walking 8,742 steps, and we were in 9 degree temps for the ice sculpture display) but the 3 dolphins should satisfy the rule of thirds. I did read the instructions but do not understand it at all. Everything behind me is ice...

Moody Gardens takes the holidays to a whole new level of cool! A skilled team of master ice carvers has charted your course for the  ultimate Caribbean Christmas! Embark on a breathtaking undersea journey made of two million pounds of ice!

How have I changed in the last 2 years, there is not room enough!

• I am seeing a therapist
• I am seeing a psychiatrist  
• I have traveled out of the country
• I have traveled to many many states
• I drove on my own to TX - twice
• I am seeing a doctor on a regular basis
• I have had blood drawn 4 times
• I have had an upper GI
• I am in land and water physical therapy for my knee
• I have had a cortisone shot in my knee
• I have had a shot in my eyeball!!
• I have a mammogram scheduled as well as a lady appt!
• I am on 2 new pills for anxiety
• I am trying very hard to listen to all these doctors 

and that is enough for this one!

40 Questions Stolen from Facebook

40 Questions Stolen from Facebook

40 Questions

1. First kiss: Ron Rangle, kid from the halfway house that went to high school with me (bad choices and attractions right from the get go!!!)
2. Best friend:
3. Last phone call with: yesterday with Destiny and Tyson
4. Last text message: Kimberly
5. Last time you cried: Last week listening to songs. Michael was telling me this story of a song that makes him cry, so of course Eva plays it and he cries, then she plays another and we are both crying, then she plays another and we almost ran out of kleenex and I called uncle, and she shook her head at the two of us, her never having even sniffled!

Have you ever?
6. Dated someone twice: gone out on 2 dates yes, gone back for seconds? no
7. Been cheated on: yes
8. Kissed someone and regretted it: I do not regret my kisses in that aspect, but I kissed a friend who wanted to be more, knowing I did not, and I should not have done that. He was very clear but thought it would change, but it was a very very sloppy kiss and the worst kiss I have ever had in my life.
9. Lost someone special: Many people as most of us have - I second this answer
10. Been depressed: yes

List four of your favorite colors:
11: Pastel colors, most are just fine
12: Blue
13: Red
14: Light Green

This year you?
15. Made a new friend: Not yet
16. Fallen out of love: no
17. Laughed until you cried: oh yes
18. Met someone who changed you: I think I am learning things here, but not necessarily changing me, just how I react to things
19. Found out who your true friends were: again, I do not have a lot of friends per se. Jody, Eva is a friend because of Mike, Karyn is a friend because of Edward, Barb and Andi....etc, but do not really have friends anymore. Morgan...
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I am sure, they always do, not my business if they do. 

Your life?
22. What question do people always ask you: how is Texas, do you like it, are you staying?
23. How many kids do you want: 5, the perfect amount
24. Do you have any pets: no - 1 cat in the house
25. Do you want to change your name: Yes, when all of my girls are married, 1 more to go, I will change my last name.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: nothing, per my request. I was offered any restaurant etc. I wanted quiet, peaceful, home
27. What time did you wake up today: which time??? I left the house at 9 so 8 something was the last time I woke up
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: playing a game
29. Name something you cannot wait for: the fictitious event of all of my family and friends moving to make my life perfect - I could support this idea whole heartedly
30. Last time you saw your mother: August 2016

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Not having all the family here - but I would change that to not being with all of my family there
32. What are you listening to right now: the show Conviction
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes, my mechanic in UT
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: I am alone in my room, so the correct answer is not my imaginary friend George
35. Most visited web page: University of Phoenix
36. What's your real name: Kimberly Dawn Crawford Peyton Holliman
37. Nicknames: Kim
38. Relationship status: Divorced😍
39. Zodiac sign: Gemini
40. Male or female: Female

Day 1 - Self Portrait, and Weird Things I do when I am Alone

So weird things...

• I sit around and take selfies of myself in the dark
• I talk to myself a lot
• I talk to the TV, sports, movies, shows...does not matter, I talk to them all, sigh, etc.
• I have mini races with other cars on the road. Not necessarily when side by side but contests. If I see a car trying to get around a particular car that is going super slow, I take it upon myself to reach the same goal and I WooHoo myself if I get it and they do not, but I also find myself saying (yes out load) good job, if they make it too. 
• I separate my m&ms by colors and then eat the color that has the fewest and work my way up
• I tend to talk in accents when I am tired...but I think my kids are just making that one up!!
• I am almost sure that there are a lot more, however that is all I can think of tonight!