Day 24 - Things you want to say to 5 different people

This may be easy or extremely difficult

1 - I am wrong, I have been wrong, I was wrong, I do not remember something very traumatic to you and that makes me more way wrong despite the reasons in my own life, there are no excuses, no justifications, I was wrong, I missed the opportunity because I did not take the time to understand and I was wrong, I would like to go back and make it different but unfortunately not only is that impossible but if life and circumstances were still the same and making me crazy I would more than likely say the same thing, and it would be just as wrong now as it was then. The things that were said to me as a young adult and adult from the people that should be the ones not to say those things, made we want to NEVER hurt those in my life that I loved. I wanted to communicate as I never had, I wanted to listen like no one ever did, I wanted to encourage and love and cheer and strengthen as never had been done before. I wanted to be the I can always go to person...It pains me that I was not. I blamed others for missed opportunities, stolen opportunities, sabotage, and there may have been those, but I screwed up all on my own. I take full responsibility. The more I learn the less I know. The more I learn the less I like. The more I work on getting un-numb to see the mistakes the more I pray for the numbness. No one or nothing is to blame, this is me standing up taking responsibility, I was wrong. I am sorry.


2 - I would love to know if there is anything I could do to make you respect me. Anything that would make you think of me as you do your friends kids. I would love to know if I can ever change your opinion about me, or make you think of anything but me as a child. Are you really what they say you are? Is it about us or about you? Any chance you will every not put me down, or talk poorly about me to your friends? Do you do that all of the time? Why? What do you get from that? Do you want me here??


3 - Where to begin. Is there any part of you that is ready to take responsibility? Any part of you that feels any remorse, sadness, pain, anything, about what you did to your girls, others? Any part of you that ever wanted a happy normal (as normal as can be with 2 messed up individuals starting it) life with us? Any part of you that could have ever thought you would be committing such heinous acts, on your own children no less? Could you explain any part of the last 35 years?  Do you have any idea what you have done? Any chance that you think you could ever contact us and be met with less than rage, pain, hurt, fear, a weapon? Did you feel like the big man in prison lying about what you did? Do you plan on hurting anyone else? Do you believe you could be in a situation where you would not hurt anyone now? Did you get help? Have you sought any counseling? How would that even be possible with not admitting or taking responsibility for what you have done??


4 - Did you know how much you helped me over and over and over again? Do you know how much I appreciate the time you spent helping my children, giving them what they did not get at home? do you know how very much you are missed in our lives, in every ones lives? Do you know how much I admired you? How much I appreciated your example. How much you showed us all that even when you have a troubled upbringing and make mistakes as an adult that you can say I am sorry and try to improve yourself. There is time to change and improve until the very last minute on earth. I know how many times I have personally cried over your absence, I cannot even imagine how many tears have been shed over you. I hope you know how loved you were. I hope even more than now you knew when you were here how much we loved and admired you.  I have tried to keep up with your babies for you. You are in them in so many ways. I love your family. I hope you and your mom are dancing all across the sky. Give my baby, Kimberly's baby, and all of our loved ones a hug for us, watch over them.


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