Thoughts

I feel like I keep up on my blog, but then I get on and I have not written in 2 days, well since it is 3 in the morning I think I could say it was technically just one...but time just gets away from me.

I have appts. every day it seems. Friday I had an eye appt. I was supposed to get an injection but he wanted to wait until next time since this one seemed to be doing well. He has done wonders with my eye. My left eye was 20/150 when I started seeing him, and it was 20/40 on Friday!! So excited about that and the possibility that this may be "curable" for when it happens again. I do feel like it will happen again as they do not know what caused it.  I have physical therapy appts. 2-3 times a week. Land and water therapy. I have been seeing 2 different therapists, one is a behavior specialist and one a counselor?? and I have been seeing a psychiatrist, and a lady doctor, getting upper GI's done, knee x-rays done, mammogram done (well it is in 8 hours so I am counting it done) and the list seems to go on and on. This makes me cranky. I do not like so many appts. I most certainly do not like doctors poking around so much, and I do not like leaving the house so much. I miss the days that Eva had appts. and I got to stay home!

I also read a blog entry that makes me extremely sad. I may be vain to think that it is about me, but I cannot imagine it not being about me. I feel like I did not express myself well, and only got to say a quarter of what I wanted to express before I was asked not to continue. I am sure they thought I had said way too much, and I am frustrated because I communicate so poorly, it has always taken several times for me to get out even a fragment of what I want to say, and to get it correctly, how I was thinking it. I truly hope I will have another chance in this lifetime to slowly and thoughtfully explain what I was trying to express. Being on different sides of a topic does not have to make us enemies. I know for a fact that you do not believe or even like everything I do, I do not believe that anyone on the planet can say that. Even those we love fiercely have annoying habits and beliefs that we accept because we love them. I love from afar, I miss from afar, I mourn from afar. I will respect the boundaries set, although it is very hard for me. I will respect them until you believe that you can once again have me around. I cannot wait for that day. We will not be exactly the same on that day either, but I will not love you any less than I do today. I am and will be as proud of you then as I am now. One day, perhaps, you will experience this with someone else, and you will come to understand that you can accept, love, respect, believe in, and love beyond understanding that person without agreeing with everything they say.

My mind will not shut down tonight. I am tired, I was tired 5 hours ago. I did however need to finish my homework which took until 3 hours ago, but then I tried to sleep. then I thought of what I need to accomplish for the lawyer, that is weeks over due because I cannot seem to finish it. A lifetime of events to explain, a lifetime of pain and sorrow and joy and fulfillment, of wonderful and awful, of gain and loss...ahhhh, overload.

I do know that I love my girls. I love them each so differently because they are so individual. I love my grandkids the same way. I could not have imagined I could love them so very very much, but they and my girls are in my head and heart always. I am so grateful I still have my parents. I selfishly do not want my mother to proceed me in death, however this means she will need to live to be 130 because I will not be ready to go in the next decade or so, I am just getting started!

OK, enough is enough is enough...time to try again for sleep.